I must admit that this season I have been well and truly sucked into watching The Bachelor.  Usually I only watch the first and last episodes, but this time around I seem to have no life at all a bit more time on my hands and find myself tuning in each week to see which girl will go on a date with the very white toothed bachelor.  

I don’t pay attention to important details like their names or what they’re wearing, but I do find the dates hilarious.  “OMG we’re going Go Karting!  And the winner gets an extra 5 minutes with The Bachelor.  YAY!” Um, no.  Just no.  

I mean there really is nothing quite like watching a reality TV show about dating to make you feel very relieved that this sort of thing wasn’t an option when you were trying to find a bloke back in the dark ages ’90’s is there?!

5 Reasons Why I Could Never Be On The Bachelor!

1. I am allergic to roses.  Well, alright, I made that up. I’m not allergic to roses, but I can’t tell you how much I wish one of those girls on the show was!  

“Will you accept this rose?”  

“Look I’d love to but holy shit, they makes me sneeze and then my nose drips like a tap.  It’s not pretty.  So how about we swap the rose for something a little more practical, like maybe a Kit Kat?  Cos I haven’t eaten since yesterday and I could totally smash one of those right about now.”

Now THAT I’d like to see!

2. I am not a Mormon.  

Seriously, why don’t we just call this show Sister Wives With Alcohol and be done with it?!

3. I am not into weird competitive sports that require me to get my face wet (apple bobbing), flatten my hair thanks to a helmet (go karting), wear very short shorts while being trapped inside a clear ball and play soccer (I don’t even know what that game is called.  I think maybe it was something an intern made up) in an effort to win anyone’s attention, let alone some random bloke who I’ve never met yet I’m somehow expected to fall in love with on National TV!

4. I like to open my mail STRAIGHT AWAY.  I have no time for sitting around on fancy couches…oh ok, that bit’s a lie.  I do quite like to sit around on fancy couches.  

Where you’ll find me most evenings. Martha says hi!

But I have no time for sitting around with a group of random hot chicks while holding my mail, wondering what’s inside the envelope and what the words inside even mean.  

Call me crazy, but when I check my letterbox I like to rip that envelope open, stare in shock at the numbers staring back at me and shove it under the fruit bowl until it’s time to pay it.

5.  I don’t have a clever, borderline overachieving job title.  Next time you watch the show, check out the contestants job descriptions.  Seriously, if they’re not an ‘executive’ something they’re a ‘planner’ of weddings or some other equally glam industry.  

The poor old PE teacher got the boot pretty quickly and that’s what my job description would’ve said, although it would’ve been ‘Early Childhood Teacher’ and everybody would’ve been all

‘Aw crap, she’s good with kids.  That sucks.  The Bachelor is going to love her.  But OMG look at her hair would you?  I’m fairly sure that’s a perm.  Guys do not dig perms AT ALL, so she’ll be gone by Week Two.  Thank god, cos if you kind of squint your eyes and lean to the left a bit her face isn’t too bad to look at.  Do you reckon her boobs are real?”

And that, my blog loving friends, is why I could never be on The Bachelor!  

How did you meet your partner?  Did it involve a TV show?  Tell me everything!