Ever wondered how not to cook pasta? Well wonder no more because thanks to last night’s dinner, and pretty much any other time I’ve ever cooked pasta, I can show you how!
HOW NOT TO COOK PASTA….In 10 Easy Steps!
STEP ONE: Boil a pot of water
STEP TWO: Once water is boiling, grab the packet of pasta, open it and then stand at the oven for a solid 3 minutes while you try to work out how much pasta you should throw in the pot. Tip the packet of pasta on its side to see if there are any instructions/guidelines and wait for the pasta to slide out of the packet and land all over the bench. This process should take approximately 2.5 seconds.
STEP THREE: Remember that you once saw something on the interwebs, or maybe it was Pinterest, about one serve of fettuccine being the size of a 5 cent piece. Look at the pasta and try to remember when you last saw any money at all in your wallet and decide that the 5 cent piece theory is obviously only for people who don’t have a borderline addiction to shopping or children who seem to always need money for something.
STEP FOUR: Decide to live on the edge and throw the whole packet of pasta in the pot. Instantly regret not using a bigger pot.
STEP FIVE: Watch the pasta stick together as soon as it hits the boiling water. Attempt to unstick it (yes, that’s the technical term) with a fork. Decide that’s all too hard and commit to some serious couch slothing with a Real Housewives chaser while the pasta is cooking.
STEP SIX: Completely forget about the pasta and only remember it’s cooking when you get up to pour yourself a glass of wine/sneak a piece of chocolate/insert whatever 5.50pm vice you might have in here.
STEP SEVEN: Drain the pasta and serve it with meatballs. Yell out to the kids that it’s time for dinner and could they please set the table. Check the time on your phone because it’s 6.10pm and your other half is officially late home from work. Again.
STEP EIGHT: Tell the kids to grab their bowls of pasta while you snap a couple of pics for the blog. Watch as your kids don’t bat an eyelid at you taking photos of pasta like it’s some sort of photo shoot for Vogue Living. They’re used to their mother being a bit weird when it comes to food and photos.
STEP NINE: Sit down at the dinner table to tuck into your over cooked, stuck together pasta. Look up at see your other half walk through the door (finally) before hearing him say, “Um, what’s with the enormous bowl of pasta? Are we expecting 728 people for dinner?”
STEP TEN: Crack up laughing at your husband’s never ending wit and spill a fork full of pasta down your front. Wait for the kids to say something along the lines of, “Muuuum! You’ve done it again” but instead notice that your daughter’s just done exactly the same thing and is attempting to lick the spilt sauce off the front of her t-shirt. Look at your husband and say, “Honestly. I couldn’t be prouder.”
And that my friends is how to not cook pasta. YOU’RE WELCOME!
Care to share your tips when it comes to cooking pasta? I am ALL EARS!
Leave a Reply