Welcome to another instalment of I Wanna Marry Harry {Episode 2 Recap}, where we’re forced to endure makeup-less breakfast dates, half naked cricket games and very tired and emotional future princesses loose their sh&t at the dinner table. Let’s get started shall we?…
So this week’s episode kicks off with a recap of last week’s episode, which, in case you missed it, you can find right here. The camera then cuts to Kimberley who thoughtfully tells us, “I thought he was Prince Harry but today I just don’t see how they’d let a bunch of crazy American girls around Prince Harry. I mean it I wouldn’t. There should be a law against it.” Hmmmm, well if that’s not something for President Obama to think about, I don’t know what it.
We then watch Faux Harry (Farry) quietly enter The Crown Suite where Rose is staying, which like, OMG, totally throws Rose off guard because OMG she’s like, totally still in her dressing gown and like doesn’t even have any makeup on. Talk about a TENSE SITUATION. Finally, Rose recovers from the shock of having a Real Faux Prince enter her Crown Suite (um…) and the two of them sit down to enjoy breakfast together.
It’s here, that Rose asks all sorts of questions of Farry, to try and find out exactly who he is…
“Are you a skier?” “Yes, I’ve skied before.” Rose reveals that she hasn’t skied before because she’s actually a lifeguard, to which Farry replies, “So if I’m struggling in the hot tub, you’d be able to help me.” Rose takes this as an invitation, rather than a question and can not get her answer out quick enough, “Oh I WILL help you. I’ll resuscitate you. LET ME RESUSCITATE YOU.”
Rose then tells the camera, “The air about him is very on point with what you’d imagine a royal would act and talk like.” Which I guess is a fair enough statement to make, when the only experience you’ve had with royalty up until this point is watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
After breakfast is done and dusted, Farry takes Rose on a date to the Isle of Wight in a helicopter, while the other girls are left to check each other out by the pool (“Your boobs look soooo good” “Your butt looks really lifted”)
Meanwhile, Andrea (above) tells us “I’ve been First Runner Up in every pageant I’ve competed in.”
Which at first I thought was a bit unfortunate and probably not something to brag about, but then I looked at myself, sitting on the couch, taking notes of reality show while wearing fluro green tracksuit pants because I ate too much at breakfast and my jeans are now too tight and thought maybe I’m being a bit too Judgy McJudgy and perhaps I should put the pen down and go do some squats, but then Sophie came upstairs carrying a bowl of crackers and asked me if I wanted one (“Sure, why not?”) and I got crumbs down the front of my shirt, which really brassed me off, because I’d just vacuumed the floor and FFS, why would I go and do squats JUST TO BE FIRST RUNNER UP?! So long story short, I didn’t bother with the squats OR the pageant. Which should please Andrea no end, because let’s face it, she’d be less than thrilled if I took the highly coveted First Runner Up title from her!
Meanwhile, back at the Isle of Wight, Rose continues with the royal questioning,
“What do you do?” “I’m in the military”
“Have you been to Vegas?” “Yeah, I have actually”
Are you close with your brother?” “Yeah. We’re very close actually. He’s only a few years older than me.”
Answers which lead Rose to tell us, “I am stumped. He’s doing a great job at keeping this mysterious vibe up.” Okkkaaaay then.
Farry suggests they go for a swim which pleased Rose no end, because she’ll FINALLY get to see Farry’s bare chest (“I’m not normally into guys who are so white, but we can make it work”) The lovebirds sort of paddle around in the water and vaguely splash each other for a bit, before Rose pretty much throws herself at Farry, shoves her tongue down his throat and tells us, “This could not be more romantic. I can’t believe I’m living in this fairytale.”
The pair then arrive back at the castle, where The Leftovers have replaced their bikinis for denim undies shorts and are enjoying a round of croquet. Farry and Rose join the group, Maggie grabs Farry (“Did you just touch my bum?”), Farry tries to talk to Kimberley about sport (he likes it, she doesn’t) and ‘security’ turns up, whisks Farry away which leaves the girls quite bewildered.
They all head back to the castle, while asking each other very insightful questions including but not limited to, “Maybe he’s a Duke or a Lord?” “He’s definitely some affiliation with royalty or something” “Maybe he’s the son of someone?” OMG! YES!! THAT MUST BE IT!! He’s the SON of SOMEONE. WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT EARLIER?! But wait. Whose son is he? Cue dramatic music and an ad break, while we all take a moment to think about THAT.
So after the ad break, we find ourselves watching the gals play a game of cricket.
Meghan was initially really worried about having to play cricket, because she’s not sport AT ALL, but then Farry totally, like, touched her back while checking out her rack teaching her how to bowl, so she was like, totally fine with playing cricket after all. What a relief!
Farry mingles with the girls for a while, before heading off and leaving Kingsley to inform the girls that tonight they’re all going to a formal dinner, where Farry will decide which one of them is going home.
Farry and the girls sit down to a formal seafood dinner, which is a bit stressful for poor old Maggie, “What is this? Like, I want to know. Like, is it a Sea Urchant?” (FYI: it was an oyster)
Maggie tries the sea urchant and tells us, “I’m like, almost gagging and I had to try like really hard to like keep down this vom from coming back up.” Now if that’s not princess material, I don’t know what is. I mean, how many times have we watched their future sister in law, Kate, gag on an oyster and then tell us ALL ABOUT IT?! Exactly! Say what you will about this Maggie chick, but she is going to FIT RIGHT IN at The Palace.
Shortly after the seafood gag-inducing dinner is done, Kingsley appears and takes Farry away to discuss which one of the girls will be going and which one will be invited into the Crown Suite for the night. A weird discussion ensues, where Kingsley plays the role of Royal Perve Butler (“Well Sir, who do you think these ladies think you are?”) and Farry answers as though he really believes he is talking to an actual Royal Butler Perve (“Andrea has a glint in her eye that says all sorts of things.”)
We then find ourselves back at the seafood buffet dinner, where Andrea is checking out her reflection in a butter knife (not even kidding) and Maggie is chugging back the wine like it’s the Last Supper (“Let me just drink this real quick.”) Kingsley announces that “Sir would like to see Andrea and Kimberley” which results in all the leftovers other girls bursting into tears.
A teary Andrea meets Farry, who asks her to leave because, “There’s no vibe or connection” Ouch. This leaves Andrea like, totally, like, devo because as she put it, “I’ve come First Runner Up in every pageant I’ve competed in, so to be taken out so quickly is why I’m so emotional” before adding, “To be quite honest, like, he’s not my type. I don’t normally go for a ginger.” Which will be all sorts of awkward at the Reunion Show, when Miss First Runner Up discovers that Farry isn’t actually a ginger but a mild brunette whose hair has been dyed to make him look like a ginger.
Kimberley (above) gets told by Farry that she’s off to the Crown Suite, which she’s beside herself about and sums it up by telling us, “Stuff like this doesn’t happen to me. I don’t even win at bingo.” Me neither. But that’s because I don’t actually go to bingo. Mainly because I’m not 72. But also because I’m not 72.
Now normally, that would mark the end of this wonderful fairytale, but not tonight. You see, while Kimberley and Miss First Runner Up have been learning of the faux royal fate, the leftovers other girls have been getting their booze on back at the dinner table. Maggie is what can only be described as Off Her Chops and tells the girls, “I don’t think I’ve drunk A LOT but I feel like I’ve drunk ENOUGH” before stumbling out into the hallway and tearfully telling Anna Lisa and Meghan, “I enjoy a cocktail. I’m a f*&%ing person. I make mistakes. I’m sorry I’m f*&%ing human. I got drunk. I’m sorry.”
Jacqueline consols Maggie and then confronts Anna Lisa and Meghan, telling them “You’re the Mean Girls” which results in Meghan gasping out loud, leaping of the teeny tiny couch she was crouching on sitting on and yelling, “Your head is lodged so far up your arse, I could eat alphabet soup and fart something out that made more sense than what you’re saying right now.” So that was both classy and very princess like.
Anna Lisa kept quiet during the whole drunk confrontation but fired right up when on camera later, ending the show with the words, “Hashtag Crazy Bitch” which, if I wasn’t trying hard to be a princess myself, I’d totally get printed on a tshirt.
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