Look, I’m not going to lie. I sat through this first episode of I Wanna Marry Harry and can’t quite decide whether I wasted 60 minutes of my life or not. I’m fairly sure it’s Option A, but in the interest of blogging, I’ll belt out a recap and let you be the judge.
So the episode kicks off with the girls arriving at a castle somewhere in England where, as they enter the driveway, make very insightful comments such as “I think he might be British” and “I feel really underdressed” and my personal favourite, “OMG are we in Downton Abbey?!”
We then meet Matt, who the voice over bird describes as, “single, poor but good hearted and looking for love” which kind of reminded me of Scott when we first met, so that was nice.
We also meet Kingsley, Matt’s butler, who gives him a very lengthy history lesson about Prince Harry which is followed by an etiquette lesson (“Found the shot glass”), a fencing lesson (“How do you wear these? I’ve got a massive front wedgie”), a shooting lesson and a quick round of polo. Matt’s day ends with a Pop Quiz, which I’m happy to report, he passes with flying colours. So move over The Real Prince Harry because Faux Harry (Farry for short) is about the enter the abbey building.
One of the these things is not like the other (sing it with me people)
Meanwhile, back in the castle, the Think Tank continues with various questions beings asked:
“What is he? Like, some sort of like, British guy that like only likes like American girls?” Um, like, yeah. I, like, guess so.
The girls then meet for a tea party in the garden where we here clangers such as
“I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m beautiful, I’m the package deal.” Awkies. You totally forgot to add ‘modest’ to the list.
“I hope I don’t sound ignorant but I don’t know what Prince Harry looks like.” Not ignorant at all. I mean it’s not like you could google him or anything, so I totally understand how you don’t know what he looks like.
“I don’t think he’s Prince Harry. I mean, who else has, like, secret service? Um, The Queen. The President. Michael Jackson. And I don’t think he’s any one of those.” I’m sorry, what? Are you trying to tell me that the BLOKE who just got out of the helicopter, who has RED HAIR and IS ALIVE is not female, African-American OR dead? Well bugger me. I’m stumped. Who the hell COULD it be?
Farry enters Downton Abbey The Castle to check out his sleeping quarters, while Kingsley tells the girls there will be a masquerade ball later that evening, where, at the end of the night, one lucky girl will be chosen to stay in the very creatively named Crown Suite (“What? Overnight?”) while another girl will be going home (no royal shag for you!)
“I just feel like everything is adding up. I mean, why is Kingsley calling him Sir? Whoa. He MUST be Prince Harry.” Um, excuse me Maggie, but how are you not a Private Detective?
The girls then frock up for the big ball where Ana Lisa tells us her occupation is “Miss Los Angeles” while Meghan informs us that she doesn’t care if he’s “Prince Harry or Harry Potter” so that’s both informative AND interesting. There was a bit of an awkward moment when Leah announces that she “doesn’t know what bronzer is” which prompts Meghan to tell us that “Leah is like an anomaly to me.” Ok then.
Rose then takes it upon herself to us, “I’m 22, I’m a preschool teacher and I’m kind of a naughty one. Like, I dress all cute at school but come home with me and see what I’ve got on underneath” which must’ve been an absolute delight for her preschool students and their parents to hear.
Meanwhile, Farry is back in his room wistfully reflecting on the task at hand: “I’ve done the training. I know everything I need to know, but it’s still a lot of pressure.” Calm the farm Hazza. You’re not going to war FFS. All you have to do is find a random to shag escort back to The Crown Suite later tonight. Fairly sure you should be able to manage that.
So the ball starts and there are all sorts of highlights, which include but are definitely not limited to the following:
“The fact that I’m intelligent sets me apart.” You’re not kidding Carley. The fact that you’re studying medicine and not wearing slutty undies to your teaching job is definitely something to be commended, but will it get you a shag in the Crown Suite later on? We’ll have to wait and see.
“He gives me a kiss on the cheek, which I’m not used to. The guys I usually date just get me drunk and make our with me in the back of the bar.” LEAH! For gods sake woman, have some standards. I mean, everybody knows your date should also buy you some food before getting you drunk and making out with you in some seedy bar.
“He touches me and I’m like, this is a fairytale beginning.” Oh Rose. He didn’t touch you. He totally felt you up. There’s a HUGE difference. One is appropriate on a first date and the other is what old people do after they’ve been married for 11 billion years. I’ll let you decide which one is which. Either way, they’re not exactly the beginning of a fairytale.
Now, I should probably point out that nobody has actually told the girls that Matt is Farry. The girls are all just assuming he is Farry. And that tomorrow they’re totally going to like, meet The Queen. So the 12 hopeful princesses to be, go in hard with the questions for Matt/Farry, who tells us his strategy is deflection. You know, because he doesn’t want to actually lie to the girls. So when he’s asked, “What’s your name?” He cleverly answers with, “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Which is kind of like a riddle, but one that I’m fairly sure those 12 gals will probably never solve.
Matt/Farry then tells us that “American girls don’t seem to have inside voices” while then wondering what he’s got himself into. Trust me when I say, I was pretty much thinking exactly the same thing, so girls, it’s game over. Prince Farry is like, totally, like, all mine. But then Meghan tells us that she and Farry just enjoyed some “rrrreeeeaaaalllll good eye contact” so that was a bit awkward for me.
The girls and Farry then unmask themselves before Kingsley takes Farry inside for a very intense discussion about who will be staying and who will be going. Kingsley takes extensive notes, stopping only to look up when Farry mentions Meghan’s “sexy, come to bed eyes.” How good must it be to have a butler who not only excels at note taking, but is also a bit of a dirty perve. Farry has hit the jackpot with that one.
So Kingsley stops thinking about Meghans eyes puts his pen and paper down and goes and tells the girls that Leah needs to go the drawing room while Rose needs to the library. I’m not going to lie. I was really hoping to see Leah looking for a packet of pencils and ask what she should be drawing, but sadly she just sat on a couch and waited patiently to see if she was going to shag a faux prince to go home or not.
Long story short, Farry tells Rose she “was quite loud” but he’d like her to stay, while Leah gets sent home. Rose is what can only be described as Beside Herself with Farry’s decision and tells us,
“When my NEW BOYFRIEND sends me to the Crown Suite, it makes me feel f*&%ing good.”
Meanwhile, all the other girls are waiting in a bedroom to see what the outcome of the drawing room VS library battle was. Rose enters and is all “Um, I guess he wanted to spend more time with me” before kindly offering “to do some reconnaissance work and come back tomorrow with some answers.” Bloody hell, I reckon Farry and The Naughty School Teacher might just be a match. I mean, they’ve both made military references AND managed to leave all the other girls VERY confused.
Rose then tells us, “Even though they’re smiling, their eyes are saying I’m going to shank you in your sleep.” Now I don’t know what shanking is, but I’m assuming it’s not a good thing. But surely Kingsely will step in and video tape calmly remove any would be shankers who attempt to break into Rose’s Crown Suite. Which, when you read those three words together, totally sound like some sort of new waxing procedure, which again, I’m fairly sure Kingsley would LOVE to watch take notes of.
So what do you think? Should I keep going with the I Wanna Marry Harry recaps or spend the hour from 8.30pm – 9.30pm on a Friday night drinking G&T’s while doing a bit of sneaky online shopping? Cast your vote below….
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