Let’s Make Some Goals!

I wrote and hit publish on this post roughly a week before Christmas, which in hindsight was probably a bit too early.  

I mean for a start, I hadn’t even looked at a leg of baked glazed ham, let alone shoved three quarters of it in my mouth in approximately 48 hours (Christmas Day and Boxing Day, obvs)  Which, just quietly, isn’t something I will be sharing with the Food Nazi when I see her again in a few weeks.

I also hadn’t popped a bottle of champers IN MONTHS.  Not because I’m some sort of vegan, organic wine drinking wellness freak but because 2015 has pretty much been Year Of The Couch for me, thanks to that pesky illness known as IIH that I was diagnosed with back in May. 

Anyway, after many months of battling it, I’m pleased to report that I’m well on my way to making a full recovery and finally, after months of living on the couch I am back up and about and most importantly, DRINKING CHAMPERS.  HOO-BLOODY-RAY!

So, since belting out this post, Let’s Make Some Goals, a few weeks back, I’ve had a bit of time to think about things and how good life is now that it doesn’t involve lying on a couch all day and so I’ve decided to add a few things to my list of goals for 2016.  Here’s the revamped version.  Enjoy and Happy New Year!

Let’s Make Some Goals!

I’m not one for New Years Resolutions, mainly because I don’t smoke and have absolutely no desire to run ANYWHERE, so promising to give up the fags and start any sort of running regime is a complete waste of time for me.

However I do like to make a list of half arsed goals that I might get to eventually, if I can be bothered and today I thought I’d share them with you.

Here, in no particular order, are my goals for 2016: 

Remember to water the one and only pot plant that I will buy at some point throughout the year.  

Learn how to reverse park.  Something I have successfully avoided since obtaining my driver’s license in 1990.

Not eat kale and keep the blog’s current tagline of Kale Free Since ’73 for longer than 3 weeks.  One will be easier than the other to achieve.  I’ll let you decide which one!

Throw the party to end all parties when I finally get the all clear from my Sweary Neuro Bloke.  All going well, I’m hoping to hear him say the words “you can throw the Diamox in the f*&king bin because you my dear, are cured” in February.  Cross your fingers and toes people.  ALL THE FINGERS AND ALL THE TOES.

Stop emailing like it’s 1997 and actually use the email function on my phone.  So if somebody could pass me my flip lid Nokia, I will totally make this email on the phone thing happen!

Make a few promises I know I can’t keep. Jokes.  I’ll probably just make two of those sorts of promises.  Nobody likes a show off.

Complete a marathon.  Of Netflix shows, obvs.  AS IF I’d actually run anywhere.  Please refer to the above image for further clarification!

Meet a Real Housewife Of Anywhere.  Melbourne would be my preference, given that I love to belt out recaps for the show.  Speaking of, I wouldn’t mind scoring some sort of paid writing gig doing just that (writing recaps, not meeting housewives, although the latter would probably be easier coin to earn)

Get my hustle on (bit of a necessity if I’d like to make the point above happen)

Own matching underwear.  Sincere apologies to any visual learners who are reading this.  Who am I kidding?  This one is never going to happen.  Bonds undies are the biz and I can not be bothered trying to match a bra with those.  Again, apologies for the visual learners/readers out there + any blokes who might have accidentally stumbled across this blog looking for local milfs (Long story.  Feel free to catch up on it here.) Also, sorry if you’re reading this paragraph while eating and/or if you know me personally.  Please feel free to not make eye contact with me next time we catch up now that you know what sort of undies I will be wearing #awkward #whywontshejuststoptyping 

Drink more.  That one was Scott’s suggestion.  In other news, I think he might be what Dr Phil calls An Enabler.

Say yes when I really mean no.  Shouldn’t be hard.  I did it all.the.time. in 2015

Eat a hot cross bun on Boxing Day.  Haven’t seen any on sale at Woolies or Coles yet, so that one was a fail #disappointing

Start a support group for Mums who have Elf on the Shelf buyers remorse.  We will meet every Monday in the month of December. BYO tequila and voodoo doll pins.

Actually raise money for Movember. Think carefully about that one and you’ll have a good laugh.

Do something about my collapsing eyelids.  Seriously.  They’re  basically falling into my eyeballs.  If I wasn’t so shit scared of needles, I’d get a jab of botox to lift those suckers up.  Maybe when I meet one of the Real Housewives I can chat to them about raised eyelids?

Find a hat that doesn’t look like a lampshade is sitting on my head #thestruggleisreal

Answer, “No, it’s actually a perm” whenever I’m asked, “Is that your natural curl?”

Ask the Food Nazi how I can juice a taco.  

Write a book and get it published.  It’s been a dream of mine since I was a kid to write a book and having the opportunity to write a chapter for Mrs Woog’s book, The Primary School Confidential (due to hit shelves in April) made me realise that I might have enough ideas swirling around in my head to belt out a whole book.  Getting it published might be a minor hurdle, but despite what you might have heard about me, I had a crack at running a hurdle race once and finished dead last, so obviously hurdles don’t bother me one bit!

Check on Charmaine a bit more.  She’s been MIA lately and could do with a re-visit, don’t you think? (FYI:  Barry got her a gift voucher from 7/11 for Christmas.  Thoughtful AND practical.  I mean who wouldn’t want a free 12 month supply of raspberry slushies and $1 donuts every time they fuelled up the car?!)

Finish the shampoo and conditioner bottles at the same time.  Surely that’s not too much to ask?!

Win some sort of award.  I don’t care what it’s for, but it must come with a big shiny obnoxious trophy.  

I know you will find this hard to believe, but I’ve never won any sort of award and have definitely never received a trophy of any kind.  Unless you count the time I was handed an award at Uni for Person Most Likely To Be Mistaken For Andrea From Beverly Hills 90210 at our pre-graduation booze up (if you’re under 35, give her a quick google.  I looked JUST like her back in the day #terrifying)  Although there wasn’t really an actual award given, just a lot of laughing when I went up to receive nothing, so I think we can probably aim a little bit higher than that.  

How about Best Performance On A Couch for 2015?  Nope, that sounds a bit too saucy.  What about Most Outstanding Eye Roll?  I would at least be a semi-finalist for that one.  Or how about Best Supporting Actress In A Very Amateur Cooking Episode?  Yep, I reckon I’d take that one out, hands down!  

Guns would obviously take out Best Walk On Role In A Vlog or Amateur Video followed by Good Sport Of The Year, Husband Of The Year and FFS Could You Carry Enough Trophies Down The Stairs?  Sorry, that last bit might have been me imagining him at the non-existent awards show.

And finally, and possibly most importantly, my main goal for 2016 is to have more fun!  I know it sounds lame to end on that one, but there’s no denying that this year has been a bit shit.  Next year is going to be nothing but FUN.

And there we have it.  My goals for 2016. I don’t reckon they’ll be too hard to achieve, do you?

What goals do you have for next year? Are you planning on juicing a taco or something a little deeper?