Right, so this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicked off with Jackie talking to Ben about her ski trip to Thredbo. Ben was super busy (on twitter) at the time and was only sort of listening to what Jackie was saying (same here) but did manage to ask some really in-depth questions like, “What sort of feather would you prefer to be in your ski jacket? Quail? Duck? Chicken?” Jackie crapped on for a while about not feeling comfortable about animal feathers being in her clothing, before they both started talking about how posh Andrea is. So that was basically 5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.
This lead in nicely to the next scene, which involved Andrea trying on various Thredbo suitable over sized kaftan/fur arrangements while her husband, Dr Chris, and daughter sat on the bed watching in horror at what she was wearing. Andrea commented that she would need to leave them a “comprehensive checklist because it’s the first time mummy has been away from the whole family.” Dr Chris then told the camera man (who btw, must have the patience of a saint) that while Andrea’s away he would probably be indulging in some sort of bachelor party featuring “lemonade, chips and pizza.” Wowsers. This guy knows how to party.
Dr Chris then suggest that maybe they should take a family trip to Thredbo? Andrea replies with, “That’d be good but you can’t come. You’re a plastic surgeon. If you break your hands what are going to eat?” Fair point.
We then watch Andrea and Jackie driving to the airport (the poor loves have to fly commercial. Unlike Lydia who flies to Thredbo with her husband on their private jet, “every weekend in winter”) and Andrea is horrified, horrified I tell you, when she discovers that Jackie has never skied before. I hear you sister. How the hell you could be friends with someone who has never hit the slopes before, let alone sit beside them in a car, is beyond me.
Meanwhile, Janet’s booked herself a fancy pants hotel room at The Windsor because she has a date to get ready for. Makes sense.
Chyka, Gina and their hair arrive to help Janet pick an outfit and both look slightly devo when Janet offers them a cup of tea. I mean they’re Real Housewives people. Where the hell is the champagne?!
We then flit back to Jackie and Andrea who by now have arrived at Lydia’s ski lodge. Jackie is surprised to see snow and makes the comment that it must be good luck. Ooookkkkaaay then. Lydia informs us that she has “30 odd ski outfits” for the girls to choose from because every time her husband takes her overseas he insists she takes an empty suitcase and then fills it with various skiing outfits for her to bring home. Jackie goes straight for an orange number and declares that she “looks so amazing. I mean as If I wouldn’t. I should become a model for ski wear.”
The girls are bit exhausted by all the outfit choosing and couldn’t possibly cook their own dinner, so we next catch up with them in a restaurant. Cue some hardcore bitching discussion from Andrea about Gina, with lovely little gems being thrown around such as, “Imagine Gina on the slopes!” Followed by lots of horsey laughter from all three housewives. Andrea then tells the cameraman (who by now is probably on his fourth beer) that “Gina’s makeup looks more like warpaint and her hair is far too high. It’s not my style. I prefer to blend in more. I don’t want to look different to every other person.” Me neither. Which is why I always take my five nannies and various checklists with me whenever I leave the house.
We’re then back at The Windsor, where poor “I’m Not A Cougar, I’m A Sabre Tooth Tiger” Janet is quite stressed about what to wear on her date with a 35 year old man. She tries on various frocks, while Chyka and Gina throw around the words, “Matronly” “Too Casual” “Too Short” and my personal fave, “I’m not great with knit.” Gina finally chooses Janet a slinky black number and their styling work was done.
Janet rocks up to her date with 35 year old Marty, while Chyka and Gina decide to sit at the bar and spy on them. Gina tells the cameraman she thought Janet’s date was “Quite Manly.” Probably a fairly important prerequisite for dating a man. C&G then decide to interrupt the date, which surprises Janet NO END. “How did you two know we were here?!” she squeals. Um….not sure if you’re aware Janet, but you’re on a tv show. With cameras. And producers. And very bored cameramen. Quite Manly Marty stands up to greet the gals and upon seeing them close up announces, “Wow, you girls aren’t hard to miss. You’re quite glamourous aren’t you?” Which of course is young man code for ‘how the f*&k did I get roped into this? These birds are older than my mother’
We then head back to Thredbo, where the girls are learning how to ski. Andrea tell us that she’s very disappointed the ski instructor didn’t have a European accent. Um… (just a little FYI for our international readers, and possibly the actual Real Housewives of Melbourne…Thredbo is in Australia. Andrea did not leave the country to get there. It is not a European region. IT IS IN AUSTRALIA.)
Lydia sensibly buggered off for some proper skiing action, while Andrea tells the cameraman that she couldn’t believe how fast she was going but “the designer ski gear definitely helped because people looked at me and though I knew what I was doing. Perhaps if I was wearing cheap ski gear they would’ve got out of my way.” (And you thought your job sucked.)
The ski bunnies then indulge in a little apre-skiing schnapps action where Jackie throws around words like “Ballso” and her latest line “Shine Shine Shine.” I was starting to get concerned that we were 35 minutes in and there had not been a single reminder that Jackie’s husband is a Rockstar, so you can imagine my relief when I realised that “Shine Shine Shine” is the new “My Husband Is A Rockstar” tag line, cleverly invented by Jackie and no doubt the title to her new book that doesn’t actually exist because I made that book bit up, but she’s a Real Housewife, so I’m sure a book deal will be in the pipeline at some point.
The girls then indulge in a bit of shopping, where Andrea tells them that her son, Buster, wants her to bring back some snow because he’s never seen snow before. Lydia sympathises, “Oh the poor little thing.” To which Andrea replies, “Well he’s certainly not poor but he is little.” Thank god for that clarification. I mean, imagine being poor AND little.
Meanwhile back at The Windsor, the gals are getting mani pedis and crap on politely chat about something, but to be honest it was a bit boring and I may or may not have been getting myself a small snack at this point and might have missed what they were saying.
So then we were back at Thredbo for some champers, where Jackie replaced the word “cheers” with “Shine Shine” several times. Lyds and Andrea talk at length about how well they’re teaching their children about money. Buster has a sponsored child AND has to scrape possum poo off the tennis court every Saturday to earn 10 bucks, so he’s very Well Rounded. Jackie was caught by the cameraman yawning several times, probably because she’s married to a Rockstar and all this talk about children is, well, not very Rockstar.
Andrea then launched into some very deep questioning, such as “Do you love your life?” To which Lyds replies, “Absolutely.” What a relief. Andrea nods in furious agreement and then mentions that “It’s taken 12 years to turn my husband into the perfect husband for me and the perfect father”, a statement that Jackie can’t relate to AT ALL. Presumably because her husband’s A Rockstar. While Lyds, on the other hand, can definitely relate because “once you invested so much time twisting, turning and tweaking your man why would you give him up?” Hear Hear. I mean, nothing says True Love like a hardcore 12 year commitment to twisting, turning and tweaking a man into what you want him to be.
Andrea then announces that she “has all these friends that I don’t even want to spend time with” (um, awkward if you happen to be one of those friends casually sitting at home on your couch watching the show) yet “when Lydia called and suggested we all go to Thredbo” Andrea was delighted. And is so pleased the three of them are now friends. Jackie is thrilled to finally be accepted in the group, while the cameraman is probably high fiving himself, because he finally gets to pack his shit up and get the hell out of there.
See you next week, where The Real Housewives of Melbourne will be attending Janet’s birthday party. Can.Not.Wait.
All photos sourced from Arena TV
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