So this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with the lovely Chyka and her husband, Bruce, enjoying a night out at an empty restaurant. It was quite the lengthy scene, where nothing really happened except both C and B telling us numerous times that they’re “best friends” and “have been together for 25 years”. Bruce then surprises Chyka with a little after dinner romance by casually booking out Luna Park so the two of them can once again discuss how lucky they are to have each other ride a carousal.
Meanwhile, Janet’s off to see Ian The Jeweller to pick up the ring she got Ian to start making back in Episode Two. Ian has done a “fabulous job” at whipping her old wedding rings into a brand spanking new number, complete with a 3 carat diamond in the middle.
We then watch Jackie pull up outside a studio (in her porsche), where she enthusiastically greets her husband, Ben. There was no mention of Ben being a rockstar at all, but that was because Jackie’s tongue was pretty much jammed right down Ben’s throat for a solid 2-3 minutes, so it was probably a bit hard for her to remind us that her husbands a Rockstar while um, also saying hello to him.
Ben takes Jackie inside the studio, where a very patient Artist is waiting with a large piece of art he has carefully almost completed. Ben tells Jackie that they’re going to add the final touches to the piece by using flowers covered in paint to decorate it, which Ben thoughtfully adds is “like putting sauce on a spring roll.”
The artist looks on somewhat nervously as Jackie unleashes her creative side, while throwing around comments like, “It’s like a miracle has happened” and “This is a f*&king masterpiece.” Okay then.
After all of that artistic business is done, the girls head off to celebrate Janet’s birthday. Their first stop is at another empty restaurant, where we get to watch Jackie lick her champagne glass, Janet show off her new rock and Andrea confront Gina about her behaviour at Jackie’s recent housewarming party. Andrea’s all about “personal growth” and tells Gina that she brings “barrister life into personal life” and that she really should remember that when Gina was at Jackie’s house she was “in a courtyard, not a courtroom.” Which, although it wasn’t discussed, I’m fairly sure was kind of embarrassing for Jackie because she’d spent over $30,000 on that party and well, imagine only having a courtyard to entertain in.
Also, please note that Andrea is what can only be described as A Slow Hand Talker, meaning she talks with her hands a lot, but they only ever seem to move in slow motion. It’s quite intriguing to watch, but I guess that’s how classy people who are all about personally growth roll. Oh and has anyone seen Lydia? She’s been missing all episode. I’m worried she might’ve got left behind at the cheese factory or the ski fields, or wherever the hell her husband flies her every other weekend.
Anyway, Chyka, Janet and Gina think Andrea is being quite inappropriate and rather hypocritical, trying to create drama at Janet’s birthday/new ring celebration, so Gina and Janet head to the loos to discuss this tense situation. Gina fires right up and manages to drop several f bombs AND another word which I just will not repeat on this blog. Meanwhile, Andrea reminds us all that “it’s all about personal growth” (yep, got it) and that “the lesson for Gina isn’t over until she apologises.” So it’s a VERY SERIOUS SITUATION. Mostly because poor Janet’s birthday has been ruined, ruined I tell you, by all of this drama. But not ruined enough for the gals to head to a drag queen show at The Love Machine in a limo.
Gina tells us that she loves going to drag shows because “she’s at home” and Andrea notices that “the only difference between Gina and the drag queens is that Gina’s taller.”
Janet then pipes up with a very insightful piece of information, when she tells us that “all birthdays are significant because if you’re not going to have another once it sucks because you’re dead.”
We’re then a forced to watch Andrea tell us that she’s writing a book about “the highs and lows of being a working mum” which basically involves “condensing my nanny manuals and checklists into a book” so that should make for interesting, not to mention relevant reading. I mean what working mother doesn’t have 5 nannies at her disposal and has no clue how to organise them all? Andrea’s book will be a god sent to working mothers everywhere.
In order to flog her book’s content gauge what other working mother’s think of her book, Andrea and her author friend meet in yet another empty restaurant and have asked a panel of Working Mum’s to join them. Andrea thoughtfully presents these mothers with 10 years worth of checklists and tell them “this is why I have such efficient nannies.” One poor love looks at the checklists and assumes that Andrea would at some point take over with the chores on the list, to which Andrea firmly replies, “No. Never. I make my nannies stay back an hour to clean the kitchen.”
A couple of the other Working Mums then pipe up and suggest that Andrea’s checklists are in fact more of a ‘to-do’ list arrangement and that they’d either do these things themselves, ask the children to help or even ask their housekeeper to do some of the jobs. Andrea’s response to these obscene suggestions of encouraging self-sufficiency within the home? “These women just aren’t organised.”
Cue one enthusiastic convert Working Mum who excitedly announces, “Oh I’ve never thought to treat our nanny like an employee. I treat her more like she’s part of the family.” FFS. That’s where you’re going wrong love. Everybody knows that nannies don’t want to be treated like they’re welcomed and loved. Quite the opposite. They crave nothing but rules, lists and unpaid overtime. And I for one, can not wait to read all about how to achieve that with my staff.
There was then some random scene with Janet and Gina that MADE NO SENSE AT ALL. For one, they were in a restaurant WITH OTHER DINERS. And there was some talk about an email, with lots of dramatic music being played in the background, yet NO MENTION AT ALL what was in the email. So that was confusing. Also, where the hell is Lydia?
Suddenly we find ourselves at Andrea’s house, where Jackie has popped in for a cuppa. And some cheese. There was a lot of talk about cheese. And how much they both love cheese. But no cheese labels were dropped, so it obviously wasn’t a sponsored love of cheese, which left me wondering WHAT’S WITH ALL THE CHEESE TALK?
Anyway, in between learning how much A & J LOVE CHEESE, Andrea starts crapping on about how she’s really annoyed that Gina was slagging off her book in the loos at the empty restaurant the other day. She was so annoyed, she even rang Gina to talk about it but Gina told her it was Lydia’s book she was slagging off, but then Andrea wondered why Gina would be slagging off Lydia’s book in the loos when Lydia WASN’T EVEN THERE.
I too was starting to get really worried about Lydia. I mean we were now a good 45 minutes in and poor old Lyds was nowhere to be seen. But then we see her. Walking into an art gallery. OH THE RELIEF.
Lyds has decided she needs more art for her Snow House and has brought a friend along with her to choose a piece. They look at a life sized glittery snake, tree, bear and “black thing” (AKA a panther) but poor old Lyds just couldn’t decided which piece she liked best. She was torn between the bear and the black thing, so asked the receptionist for a price point on each item. FYI, if you’re in the market for life sized glittery objects, the bear was $75,000 while the black thing was a lazy $55,000. Lydia announced that she’ll “probably buy two pieces” but had to go home to think about which two. Fair call. Because, you know, the last time I wanted to drop some coin on paper mache animals that had been dipped in glitter I took a couple of days to decide which two would look best in my snow globe home. So yeah, I can totally relate.
And finally, we come to the end of the show. Where Janet takes Jackie to a Ladies Lunch Fundraiser thingy. Jackie tells us “there was a lot of hoity toity women there” and when Janet tries to corner Jackie about what went on the loos in the empty restaurant, Jackie declares “I can’t keep up with these women and all their bloody books.” Couldn’t have said it better myself.
So that’s another week of The Real Housewives of Melbourne done and dusted. Stand by for next week’s recap, where Andrea organises a tennis day at her Beach House and Gina rocks up in a Lacroste tennis outfit, complete with 6 inch purple heels. Because in Gina’s words, she owns one pair of runners but can’t remember the last time she wore them. I hear you sister. I hear you.
All photos sourced from Arena TV
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