This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with several excursions where we get to meet what can only be described as The Help. First up, we head to the design school where Lydia is currently studying. She’s become quite good friends with a few of the “22 or 23 year olds” and it’s been a “gorgeous learning of their simple and naive style versus mine.” Which, FYI is “classical, contemporary, egglectic and you know, timeless.” Ok then.
Next we visit Janet’s holiday house which she is currently renovating. Andrew, her Interior Decorator, offers plenty of ideas about door sizes and spanish roof tiles while Janet informs us all that her original budget was $125,000 but that has somehow blown out to a lazy $1.7 million. Easy budget mistake to make.
And finally we head to Andrea’s new Liberty Bell HQ, which for those new to this recap series, is her beauty/botox clinic, where we learn that Andrea is designing and decorating the entire project because she’s “a control freak.” Really? You don’t say…
Anyho, it turns out that Andrea is faced with a Massive First World problem when Adam The Architect gently informs her that the wrong carpet has arrived from Italy and it’s…wait for it….GREEN. I KNOW. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE. I mean, really. How is the world still turning? Andrea demands to know whose fault it is and Adam cleverly replies, “Its Italy’s fault.” Andrea stares at Adam blankly before informing him that this might result in the Liberty Bell opening party being delayed and that would be “very embarrassing.” But probably not as embarrassing as having green carpet, I’m guessing.
So now that we’ve all formally met The Help, we head off to Andrea’s Beach Mansion House. It’s a bit of a mission to get to, so the girls car pool to get there. Lydia picks Jackie up “in Lydia’s porsche. I’ve got a porsche too but Lydia’s is more sporty.” Good to know. Chyka hitches a lift with Andrea, where strangely there’s no reference to what sort of cars either of the housewives drive, so one can only assume that those poor loves drive Mazdas* or some other equally plebby vehicle. Andrea does however mention last week’s mysterious email which apparently involved Gina’s ex threatening to sue all the housewives. UM AH.
*FYI: A Mazda may or may not be what this Real Housewife drives.
Janet arrives on her own (in a convertible but no mention of it being a porsche. So that’s unfortunate for Janet) and is just in time for a tour of Andrea’s Beach House. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but you know how Jackie’s husband is A Rockstar? Well Andrea would like us all to know that she owns a Beach House. And that “the tennis surface alone is worth $40,000.” Say what you will about these ladies, but they are very good with numbers, cars and nicknames for houses.
You’ve probably noticed that apart from the Budget Blowout and The Green Carpet fiasco, there hasn’t been any drama going on all episode. But don’t worry because Janet’s about to fix all that. You see she is very annoyed that Gina’s late because they’re pretty much 4 drinks in and Gina is nowhere to be seen.
But then Gina finally arrives. Carrying a roll along suitcase, a large box of chocolates for Andrea (“I won’t eat them” says Andrea as she whisks them out of Gina’s mitts) but no apology for being late. Can you feel the tension building? OMG SAME!!
So off the girls all go to get changed into their tennis gear, except for Lyds, Janet and Jackie who sensibly all rocked up wearing their tennis outfits. So presumably they sat around talking about cars and rockstars while the other gals got their gear on. Chyka awkwardly bumps into a cameraman while trying to find a room to get changed in and then looks straight into the camera and says “sorry” which was a bit weird but also VERY POLITE. See Gina. That’s how you do manners.
After watching Lyds boss Chyka around on the court for a while, Andrea makes her grand entrance. Wearing what can only be described as a Tulle RaRa Skirt, which she informs us “is a very expensive skirt that I wore a long time ago when I used to go to nightclubs.” She belts out a few rounds of tennis while Janet watches on and cheers on encouraging lines like “Go Andrea you sexy mofo.”
Meanwhile, Gina is MIA. Again. Bloody hell. This is going to be one tense afternoon. Andrea went to check on Gina because it’s been over an hour since she went inside to put on her tennis gear but it’s all good. Gina is ready and rearing to go. In her electric purple cocktail frock tennis dress complete with matching stilettos. Andrea takes one look at Gina and announces that she’s “worried Gina’s going to puncture my underground sprinkler system.” Fark. WE GET IT. You own a Beach House with a $40,000 tennis surface, you can still fit into your very expensive vintage tutu AND you have underground sprinklers. Congrats. You’re loaded. And we all know about it. Can we focus on something else now? Thanks.
Gina informs us that she wore high heels because she “thought it would be a bit of comedy. A bit Kath and Kim. Because really, who want to watch five bloated women run around a tennis court? I don’t.” Gina, I think I quite like you.
We then watch The Real Housewives of Melbourne have a bit of post-tennis lunch, where Lydia attempts to cross-examine Gina, even though Gina’s the Barrister and Lydia’s the ‘egglectic’ interior designer. Gina’s not bothered that she was late, Janet’s still really pinged off that Gina was late and Lydia would like to know if there will be coffee served. Jackie then shows us a bit of spontaneous salsa dancing and all of sudden we’re waving the gals off as they leave The Beach House.
Andrea heads back inside, only to discover that her bathroom, which she designed herself I might add, is covered, covered I tell you, in Gina’s makeup. This sets Andrea RIGHT OFF because “Gina knows that I don’t have a cleaner at The Beach House, so who is going to clean up her makeup?” Um, excuse me? You mean to tell me you have A Beach House, a $40,000 tennis surface, a very expensive vintage tutu and an underground sprinkler system that no doubt rivals the set up at Wimbeldon, but NO CLEANER? I mean WTAF? Somebody find this woman another woman who knows how to use a chux cloth STAT.
Meanwhile, Gina’s obviously not bothered about the whole makeup/DIY cleaning scenario happening back at Andrea’s Beach House because she’s meeting Jackie for a coffee. Where she kindly offers an apology for any grief caused between the two of them and asks that Jackie now think of Gina as her Big Sister. Jackie nods enthusiastically at this suggestion and thinks “it’s great because we can shine off each other now.” Yes, yes you can.
All of a sudden we find ourselves over at Jackie and Ben’s house, where Jackie asks Ben to help her pick an outfit to wear to Salsa Dancing. Ben is very busy reading his phone, while Jackie explains to us that her “husband has an amazing eye for detail, especially when it comes to me wearing frocks.” Ben confirms this by announcing that he “can nearly see your f*&king G Banger” when Jackie walks out in a white frilly number for him to assess. (A quick heads up to all the International Readers out there…g banger is a slang aussie term for g string or thong. You’re Welcome.)
So off we go to Salsa Dancing, where Janet has “hit the jackpot” with her partner. Look. Here’s a Visual…
The Dancing Duo engage is some fairly hefty um, dancing, before Jay The Instructor announces that “it’s time to swap partners.” Which was a bit awkward. But not as awkward as the post Salsa Dancing drinky poos where Janet tells Jackie and Lyds that she is “so upset with Gina” because she was late to the tennis match at The Beach House AND she “left half of her tan in Andrea’s bathroom” before finishing the episode with “there’s a big storm brewing and Gina’s in the centre of it.”
Look out Gina. The We Don’t Do Our Own Cleaning Team are totally after you. And I for one, can’t wait to see how it unfolds.
All photos sourced from Arena TV
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