I hope you’ve got your passports ready and your kaftans packed because this week we’re joining The Real Housewives of Melbourne in Dubai!
But before we go, there’s two very important pre-destination pieces of info we all need to know:
- This is Chyka’s fifth trip to Dubai this year and she’s hoping to get some great ideas and inspiration for her blog during this trip.
- Lyds has been going to Dubai for 20 years and it feels like home to her, “When I’m there I almost look like them! Funny isn’t it?”
The Housewives Arrive In Dubai!
And would you look at that, they’re all staying at Atlantis, The Palm – where The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills all stayed last week. Not that I’m addicted to Real Housewife shows or anything…
Chyka’s organised a variety of activities for their Dubai stay, the first being welcome drinks at the fancy pants beach area.
All the housewives arrive, looking stunning in their various OTT beach appropriate ensembles.
#casualbeachwear
PF has the shits because everyone is talking about Lydia’s rack and no-one has noticed her, “I’ve arrived in my very sheer skirt, showing half my arse and my very sheer top! Give me some attention here!” she tells us.
She has a bit of a cry to Lyds about it #FFS, the other housewives are all #soz and PF recovers by making some catty comment to Chyka about her lips #niceone
Lyds then launches into a bit of spiel about the two things all the things she knows about Dubai, which prompts Gina to ask, “Did you google that?” #burn
A bit of a competition ensues between Lyds and Chyks about Dubai and how many times Lyds has been compared to Chyka, with Lyds beating Chyks to every housewife’s most important social duty – The Toast.
Jaws drop left, right and centre as Lyds raises her glass to Dubai first. Chyka was “just about to do that!” and as Chyka’s unofficial BFF, I would actively encourage you to raise whatever glass is nearby you right now and toast to us all having a fabulous time in Dubai.
I mean, Chyka has gone to a lot of trouble to organise this trip for us all to watch and add Dubai to our travel wish list. The least we can do is raise our glasses and show our appreciation! Cheers!!
One Day Later…
Chyka is taking The Real Housewives to the Aquatic Park.
They’ve split into small groups because you get more bang for your advertising buck can usually grab more bitching on tape that way.
Jackie and Chyka go swimming with the dolphins, where Jackie gets psychic vibes from the dolphin and Chyka discusses how annoyed she is with Lydia.
Gamble, Lyds and Gina go swimming with sea lions where Gina bronzes her feet, Lyds pashes a sea-lion, “It was just divine!” and Gamble thinks PF was jealous of Lydia’s outfit at yesterday’s drinks on the beach.
Janet, PF and Susie go swimming with sharks where PF whines about the cold water and all three look smoking hot in a bikini #oldladybodygoals
Let’s Have Dinner At Ossiano
Yes, let’s! If eating fish while you’re surrounded by fish is your thing, then this is the restaurant for you.
During dinner, Janet raises the CAVP thing with Gamble. Gamble finally confronts Gina about why she buggered off early from her pre-wedding cocktail party to watch herself on the tellie.
Gina hits back by giving Gamble a serve for talking to the other housewives about it, which leaves Gamble looking quite hurt.
PF gets involved by telling Gamble, “Why don’t you embrace all the positive things about your wedding and not reflect on all the negative stuff?”
Gamble replies with, “Oh f*&k off Pettifleur, seriously.”
Chyka leaps in with “Ok, language!”
And at this point I’d like to ask the housewives, and humans in general, why they find it so hard to simply apologise when they’ve done the wrong thing?
PF decides that now would be an appropriate time to continue to annoy Jackie about the birth certificate that PF can’t find (you can catch up on that drama in last week’s recap: Where’s My Birth Cert?)
I’m not sure if you’re aware but PF is going to have to wait in line FOR 45 MINUTES to get a new birth certificate for her son. She can’t be waiting in line for 45 minutes for anything, let alone a birth cert THAT SHE CAN’T FIND.
And obviously if PF can’t be waiting in lines of any kind, she can’t actually be looking for things. Clearly that is a job only a psychic can do. FFS Jackie, if you’re reading this, get your act together and start looking FOR ALL THE THINGS ASAP.
Jokes aside, Jackie doesn’t need a peep talk from me because girl can hold her own! She goes in hard with PF and gives and good as she gets, which just quietly, was awesome to watch.
This annoyed Lyds no end, who tells us Jackie was “very dismissful of PF” while I may have yelled at the screen, “It’s dismissive! Dismissive Lyds. Jackie was being dismissive of PF!”
Shopping At The Dubai Mall
A day or so later we join The Real Housewives Of Melbourne at The Dubai Mall for a spot of shopping.
10 points if you can spot the First World Problem happening in this photo
Again the housewives have split into two groups, but this time it’s because a few of them need a break from PF.
Gamble, Janet, Jackie and Chyka are #PFfree while Gina, Lyds and Susie have drawn the short straw and stuck with PF.
The #PFfriendly shopping group notice that PF likes to spend a lot of time looking at herself AND talking to herself while she’s shopping, “I like this!” “I love these glasses” “These are flat aren’t they?” PF says to nobody while checking herself out in the mirror.
She tells us, “Yah. When I’m trying to buy something I ask myself because I get the honest answer!”
Two hours later and PF’s conversation with herself is done. She’s bought herself a pair of sunglasses.
Both groups then stop for a break, where they talk about each other #obvs.
Over in the #PFfree group, Gamble is feeling like she’s “lost Gina to Lydia” and the general consensus amongst the group is that PF has become very self obsessed.
The #PFfriendly group think Jackie brings bad energy to the room. Although to be fair, it was only Lyds and PF saying that. Susie wasn’t saying a word and Gina told PF to “Shut the F*&K up” so I think it’s fair to say that they’d also quite like to be #PFfree
Arabian Adventures
Next up, Chyka’s organised an Arabian Adventure for the housewives which kicks off with a 4WD bash through the dunes with a camel riding chaser. Sounds soothing.
Camel looks thrilled to be here
Gina was shitting herself at the thought of getting on a camel but she got on, lasted a few minutes before having a borderline anxiety attack and had to get off. No judgement from me on that one as I’ve done that ride and it wasn’t really my idea of fun either!
The housewives are reunited at a dinner in the desert, where we watch a lovely scene involving Chyka’s husband Bruce and their son, BJ, surprising her.
Chyka hasn’t seen her son for 6 months (he’s been travelling) and he flew in from London that morning for what was a beautiful surprise and a lovely tv moment.
#familygoals
Let’s Eat!
The ladies sit down for a Middle Eastern feast and Janet asks Chyka how her blog is doing.
“It’s doing really well! It’s got a lot of people who look at it every week now and I’ve got someone who is looking after it as an agent” Chyka replies.
Lyds pipes up that she also has a blog #whohasn’t and tells the gals that she has the sads because they’re so “embracing of Chyka with her blog and I’ve not got any great acknowledgement. I actually work really hard on mine….and there are so many people that go through it a month and its fabulous.”
Janet doesn’t think Lyds writes her own blog posts because “for a start, they’re written in English” #ouch while the rest of the group think Lyds is getting a bit competitive with Chyka #youthink?
Meanwhile, at the other end of the table Newbie Susie has something to say! She’s telling Jackie what PF and Lyds said about her during their post-shopping pit stop yesterday.
Jackie turns to the group and it is GAME ON MOLES.
Jackie calls PF out on her recent behaviour (“You degrade people!”) Gina tells PF she has a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way and PF pulls out the victim card by claiming to have a headache.
Jackie and Gina try to make PF understand how her behaviour upsets everyone but PF’s not buying it. She says she cares more about herself than the others and doesn’t seem to be able to understand how commenting about Chyka’s appearance or calling Gamble a Black Widow is an issue.
Tears well (for PF, not me but thanks for your concern) and as Gina asks her to try to understand how upset they are, PF yells “I CAN’T F*&KING HANDLE IT!” while banging the table with her fist.
To be continued next week….
Thank you to ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne + media images each week.
Thanks also to Lyds for providing the comedy GOLD.
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