This week’s Real Housewives of Melbourne recap kicks off at Gamble’s house, where we are still watching #bushgate unfold.
You can catch up on what I’m referring to in this post: RECAP: Real Housewives of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 3
All the housewives think PF was out of line by refusing Gamble’s invitation to her upcoming Byron Bay nuptials. Well, duh! I mean, who would say no to a free holiday to Byron?! Not me, that’s for sure.
Gamble feels like she can’t win, “I can’t invite her, I can’t not invite her” while Lyds sums things up by telling us, “My god, PF knows how to crack a bottle in half” Um….
Jackie tries her best to bring everyone together while PF pulls out the victim card and tries to leave, “Everyone is against me!” she cries.
Gamble tells us she doesn’t want PF to be upset so she apologises to PF, hugs her and all seems forgiven.
Lyds starts crying and through tears tells us that she feels responsible for what happened, while Susie is annoyed that Lyds has landed on her feet like the cat that she is. Righto then.
Let’s Get Our Lingerie On!
A few days later it’s time for Gina and Gamble to do a bit of lingerie shopping for the wedding night.
They discuss #bushgate while Gamble gives Gina a mini fashion parade that features various wedding night options ranging from Traditional Bride (full white g-banger ensemble featuring high heels and not much else) to Bondage Bride (black, lift ’em up corset style arrangement complete with collar and lead).
$2075 later and Rick is probably going need a box of Viagra to be one very happy groom.
Meanwhile at Janet’s House…
This is happening
Yep, that’s Brian (wearing his lingerie) and Janet. No, they’re not together but yes, they’re cooking a meal together because they’re hosting a family dinner together at Janet’s house. Which isn’t confusing at all.
In between admiring Brian’s thigh gap and watching him chop the spuds, Janet reveals she has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Her son had a terrible burns accident a few years ago and that’s where her disorder stems from.
Brian asked a lot of questions regarding Janet’s diagnosis, “Does it affect your sex life? That might’ve been the reason why the magic disappeared? Is it terminal?”
Janet suggests it was his online dating that contributed to the magic disappearing before the adult kids all arrive and together they enjoy Brian’s meal, “It looks like soup gone wrong!”
During the dinner, everyone takes turns to tease Brian about his love for happy massages, his newly waxed chest and the time he took his family on a holiday to the sex capital of the world (“Yes, that was probably a mistake” he laughs.)
There was a lot of laughter throughout the evening and Brian insists that no matter what the future brings, they must never lose the laughs and the love between them all.
Let’s Check On Lydia
Lyds has invited Gina over to chat about Susie. Makes sense. I mean, what else would you do with your time?
Lyds doesn’t know why Susie is picking on her. Gina’s noticed there’s not a lot of warmth between the two of them and I’m thinking that maybe a timber toilet roll holder will sort than situation out! (That will all make sense once you read this post: Does This Happen At Your Place Too?)
Susie’s Dating Again…Sort Of
Meanwhile over at Susie’s place, her sons Monty and Rupert, are setting up and online dating profile for their mum.
It was a really quick scene involving a discussion regarding Susie’s alcoholic intake (socially, not often. She is NOT an alcoholic) and her taste in music (she doesn’t like R&B and is going through a bit of an Elvis phase atm).
The boys noticed that their mum was getting a few likes from some of the men. One had a moustache, so he got the flick, and another listens to Destiny’s Child and now I can’t get the song ‘Say my name say my name’ out of my head.
Also, I have no idea how online dating works, but were Monty and Rupert setting their mum up on Tinder? Because if they were, I’m predicting our good mate Shane Warne, International Cricket Legen* to make another guest appearance (probably at breakfast) sometime soon!
*not a typo
Catch up on all the Shane Warne Real Housewife goss in this post: RHOM Recap: The Shane Warne Special
Janet’s Dating Too
Janet’s one step ahead of Susie and is out on an actual date with some random called Christopher.
Christopher has a mullet, is wearing man jewellery on his wrist, talks in the third person and corrects Janet several times throughout their semi-awkward date.
I’m not entirely sure we like Christopher, but he hasn’t once mentioned a happy ending so that must be a refreshing change for Janet!
Here Come The Brides!
Would you check out what’s going on over at Chyka’s place!
She is organising the mother of all Bridal Showers for Gamble and thought “it would be nice for the girls to come wearing one of their wedding dresses.”
Now that must be one of the best things about having several marriages. When it comes to wearing your wedding dress again, you have so many options!
FYI, Chyka was 23 when she got married and her big day was featured in Vogue. She can’t turn around in her wedding dress during the Bridal Shower because it doesn’t fit her anymore.
I was 24 when I got married and my big day was featured in a very large frame in our hallway.
Like Chyka, I hosted a party once where everyone had to wear their wedding dresses on the day Wills and Kate were married. I couldn’t do mine up either, but that’s because it had shrunk.
Chyka, if you’re reading this, feel free to steal that line. It makes people laugh and then they usually say something like, “Mine’s shrunk too!” and then cake usually appears and all is right in the world.
Once all the brides arrived, the most depressing bridal shower in the history of ever begins.
Things start with the brides talking about their marriages, past and present.
Gamble became a bit teary when she talks about her step son.
“His mother isn’t with us anymore and I consider him my full son now.”
The other brides sympathise with Gamble and how hard it must be to not have children of her own, which to be honest, made quite a refreshing change from all the yelling that usually goes on when these women get together!
And then good old Lyds pipes up with this clanger:
“I have to say, I’m probably with you. I am so protective of Andrew’s children. Like if one of them got hurt, or they have in the past, I’m like, call an ambulance.”
I have to say, I’m probably eye rolling so hard right now. I am so good at Photoshop. Like if a Real Housewife says something ridiculous, I’m like, whip up an equally ridiculous photo that might give the readers a laugh.
Susie then tells a story about her son having an awful quad bike accident, which leads to more tears amongst the brides.
PF then reveals her father never walked her down the aisle for both her marriages, which again leads to more tears. Tears of boredom from Jackie and I and actual tears from PF.
PF was a bit light on details regarding wedding number one and it turns out the reason PF’s dad didn’t walk her down the aisle for wedding number two was because she eloped to Vegas. So there wasn’t really a drama there at all and there wasn’t any mention of a Chanel handbag either.
Maybe that’s what the tears were about? Was PF crying because once upon a time she was a peasant like the rest of us and had to carry her lipstick and wallet in a handbag that didn’t require its own chair when she met friends for coffee? Because everybody knows you can not, under any circumstances, put a Chanel or a Louis on the floor. The bottom of it might make contact with the real world and that is something to be avoided at all costs when you have a $10,000 handbag to fling over your shoulder!
Meanwhile, Susie and Lyds leave the most depressing Bridal Shower Ever to have a little chat. Lyds STILL doesn’t understand what she’s done wrong (no surprises there) and wants to know.
Susie tells Lyds that when Susie’s first marriage ended there were rumours being spread about her being a crap mother and apparently it was Lyds who was spreading these rumours.
Lyds denies having any involvement and questions why Susie “would want to hold a grudge from two million years ago” once again proving that I’d quite like to poke my eye out with a stick any minute now Lydia could probably do with a maths lesson.
Lyds and Susie chat for a bit longer and Lydia tells us, “From what I see in Susie she likes pushing shit up hill when she can.”
OH FFS.
Lyds, if you’re reading this, ‘pushing shit up hill’ means you are engaged in a hopeless task. It does not mean you are holding a grudge from two million years ago.
An example of how you could use the phrase ‘pushing shit up hill’ correctly in a conversation could be like this:
“Andrew darling, do you think Johanna will ever be able to afford a Porsche?”
“No Lydia. She’s pushing shit up hill to afford anything on the $150 a week you pay her.”
“That’s a shame. Can you please pass me the organic hand churned butter I imported from Italy via private jet last week? I’d like Johanna to spread it on my whole grain toast for me. Can you go and wake her up from her camper bed under the stairs so she can make the bread now? That is how you make toast isn’t it? From bread? Oh and by the way, one of your kids had an accident at school yesterday. When the school rang me I was like, call an ambulance! So they did. Wasn’t that lovely of them?”
So Susie and Lyds return to the group and tell everyone that they’re pretty much friends again.
PF tells Chyka she misses her friendship with Lydia and Jackie overhears this. Jackie launches into quite the rant to the camera and tells us, “PF needs to shut the F*&k up and go figure it out. I’m actually sick of hearing it….how about you go over to Lydia, tell her your issues and move on? You’re a 50-year-old woman! Who wants to hear this? Get over there! Talk to the woman!”
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
And that’s where this week’s Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap wraps up. Make sure you come back next week because it’s Gamble and Rick’s WEDDING DAY! In Byron Bay. Where the weather is usually all sorts of beautiful, but if the preview is anything to go by, there’s a storm brewing and it’s not just on PF’s face.
Thank you to ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne + Media Images each week.
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