Right, so this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne is all about the housewives heading to some fancy pants resort. But because it would make no sense if we just met them there, we’re forced to endure some tedious back scenes involving Jackie and Lyida shopping for kaftans (“Lydia looked like a grecian goddess and I looked like a stick with big tits” says Jackie to the cameraman) and Andrea packing while her daughter, Bud, and Guilia, the nanny, look on (“You’re going to miss me” instructs says Andrea to her daughter)
We’re then at the helicopter hanger where Lydia informs us that “the best way to get a resort is by helicopter.” Which confused me no end, because wasn’t it only two episodes ago she was telling us we should all be flying to King Island to pick up cheese? I guess cheese purchases are for private planes and resort transfers are for helicopters. Makes sense and just quietly, I’m a little bit embarrassed it’s taken me 41 years to work that one out.
Andrea tells us she’s quite a nervous flier, but it’s ok because Lydia “knows quite a lot about aviation so I might be able to save us” should anything go wrong. Um, you might be able to save us? Yeah, that’s not really going to cut it for me in an emergency in-flight situation. Unless of course you can offer me some King Island cheese and crackers. That might calm me down.
The housewives arrive (safely) at the resort and we watch them watching the view. Which looked just a little bit spectacular….
The housewives then meet for drinks, where Chyka suggests they have a dog party when they get home so all of their dogs can “get to know each other better.” All of the housewives think this is a wonderful idea while Lydia tells Chyka that her dog, Figaro, can only be served chicken pie as he doesn’t eat red meat. Chyka was more than accommodating with this request, while the other housewives eye rolled out loud didn’t have a problem with it either.
The scene ends there and suddenly it’s the next day. Which is weird because I was really getting into the whole “let’s have a dog party” convo and was quite keen to learn about all the other canine meal requirements. Surely you were too?
Instead we watch Andrea, Lydia and Jackie go on a bush walk, which is pretty much housewife code for ‘bitch about Gina.’ During the bush walk, we learn that Andrea is a bit annoyed to discover that Gina has used “disgusting profanity” to describe her and was “incredibly derogatory” about a book that Lydia is writing, which apparently Gina has been telling everyone is “about vaginas.” Cue awkward silence, because obviously the word ‘vagina’ is not something you say out loud when you’re a housewife, left alone write a book about. Fortunately Jackie managed to break the silence by telling Lydia that she thinks “that’s a disgusting thing to say, even if you do have a good one.” Lydia is so grateful for this, um, compliment, that she kisses Jackie and thanks her profusely. Ok then.
There was then some boring scene involving the housewives doing a poolside yoga class, where the only highlights were Jackie informing the instructor that she’s a professional psychic (again, please cue the awkward silence) and Lydia informing us that “it was interesting to have a brick between my legs. I’ve not had that before.” Which may or may not have been the exact moment that my 12 year old son walked past the tv to get to the fridge for yet another snack. Cue awkward silence from both of us, before I quickly explained it was actually a yoga block that lovely young lady was talking about and it’s for for, oh never mind, just go make yourself another bowl of cereal.
So yoga was over and the girls decide to met for a poolside chat. For some reason they all arrive separately and each strut into the pool area, wearing nothing but skimpy bikinis and floaty kaftans. Which, let me tell you, made me think I should spend less time sitting on the couch writing recaps of their tv show and more time at the gym doing squats.
Gina and Jackie got cosy on the double sun lounge and discussed everything from motherhood to cancer scares, while Andrea and Lydia were busy on the other sun lounge discussing spray tans and fake handbags.
Janet and Chyka had a very emotional conversation about Janet’s son, who was involved in a dreadful accident last year when he was burnt in a fire at a friends place and almost lost his life. Chyka found this most distressing and I must admit that I too found it to be a very sad story. Until my mother lightened the mood by texting me with this little gem:
“Are you watching the real housewives? What is wrong with that blonde ones nostrils?”
Say what you will about my mum. She’s nothing if not observant. Not to mention a hardcore avoider of anything remotely emotional.
Lydia then cosies up to Gina to find out whether Gina’s still on with her partner or not. Lydia offers all sorts of relationship advice, which Gina pretty much dismisses because “I’m an adult and can do whatever I want.” Poor old Lyds. All she wants is for Gina “to shine” and she’s a bit annoyed that Gina won’t do anything her way listen to her advice.
So then we find ourselves at the dinner table, where Andrea is very happy to be sitting opposite Gina because she’s “determined to maintain eye contact.” Things actually start of on quite a friendly note, when Jackie suggests they all share their first impressions of one another. Gina complemented all of the ladies, Andrea gave what can only be described as Frosty Stares across the table and Jackie announced that she thought they were “all birches and wondered where the f*^k am I?” when she first met all the housewives. So that was nice. Not to mention classy.
Janet then decided to turn the love fest upside down and politely informed Gina that she was “tipped over the edge” when Gina was late to tennis last week. Gina apologised for being late, before adding she had “a very busy life.” Which was the perfect opportunity for Andrea to swoop in with, “You are nowhere near as busy as I am. Let’s compete about it.”
Gina wasn’t interested in competing with Andrea and apologised again to Janet. Lydia then leapt into the conversation to ask why Gina was telling everyone her book is about vaginas. Yes, that was an actual conversation. I am not making this up. They really did talk about a faux vagina book.
Once all the vagina nonsense had died down, Andrea expressed her feelings about her “french embroidered hand towel” that Gina left “brown shit” all over AND that she had to clean her own bathroom after Gina left it in such a mess last week before asking Gina, “Can you see how I would interpret that as disrespectful?” Before Gina could answer, Andrea then went onto say “You were late, you left makeup all over my bathroom, you wore stilettos all over my $40,000 synthetic tennis court. You obviously don’t have a tennis court. I do. I’ve spent a lot of time working to pay off the tennis court. Do you own a tennis court? Do you know how much synthetic grass is? You are crude, you are vulgar, you are confrontational and aggressive and I get offended even looking at you.”
And do you know what Gina’s response to all of that was?…
“Well don’t look at me darling.”
GOLD. ABSOLUTE GOLD.
On a totally unrelated note, I kind of want to be Gina when I grow up.
The next day sees Gina leaving the resort, Chyka attempt to play peace maker and Andrea not back down from a single thing she said the night before. Chyka gently suggests that they all move on from it, which they sort of do by having lunch together which was going quite well until Andrea, Lydia and Janet direct their anger towards Chyka because, according to Andrea, Chyka needs to stop being such a diplomat. Which of course is mean girl code for “stop being so effing nice and get on Team Nasty Pasty asap.” Andrea then calms down and invites everyone to the opening of Liberty Bell, which is met with much cheering, clapping and champagne flute clinking, so I guess that means we’re all in for another cracking episode next week. Can.Not.Wait.
All images sourced by Arena TV
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