So this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Lydia and her borderline vegetarian dog, Figaro, dropping into Lydia’s mates house for a casual bitch session catch up about the trip to Mission Beach. We also learn that Lisa (the mate that Lyds is chatting with) hasn’t eaten carbs since 1964 (the year she was born) and is going through a bit of turmoil because her husband has stepped away from their business and it’s now left up to her to do all sorts of important things like raise a million bucks in capital in 4 days. I have no idea what any of that means, but yesterday I did have to help Sophie sort through a container of thousands of fun loom bands in order to find a hot pink glittery one so I totally get what it’s like to feel to be under pressure at work.
We then find ourselves watching Andrea visit “one of the top publishers in Australia” for some feedback about her book idea. Andrea tells us that she’s “writing a book on the highs and lows of being a working mum” and “I’ve had so many nannies and babysitters and it’s all about how do you select the perfect babysitter.” The lovely publisher also sits through this spiel and then suggest that Andrea START A BLOG. And that eventually the blog might lead to a book deal. Andrea suggests that “there are a lot of blogs going around for mums” and thinks “the book would be a good way to lead into that.” The publisher then suggests that Andrea needs to think the other way around, but Andrea’s always wanted to write a book and she’s “not the kind of person who needs a publisher to endorse my book just from a one page synopsis” and it’s all very exciting because Andrea can now explore the idea of self-publishing.
Scene Three sees Jackie and Her Rockstar Husband, Ben, meet with the General Manager of the distillery who is going to help with the manufacturing of J&B’s cocktail line. The GM throws all sorts of questions at The Rockstar Couple, such as “do you have bottles finalised?” and “do you own the business name?” which kind of confuses The Rockstar Couple because why do they need to be doing all this work, when, as Jackie tells us, “the angels will make all that happen” and that she “doesn’t like all these negos” (which is Rockstar talk for negatives) Norm the Chemist then makes an appearance and quizzes The Rockstar Couple about their planned cocktail mix. They both seem a bit shocked by this and Ben tells us “The most shocking thing about the distillery was learning about all the little details that we haven’t thought about. Like the bottles and the actual liquid.” Um, okay then.
We then catch up with Andrea and Lydia who meet for lunch to debrief about the whole Gina/Mission Beach saga. Andrea decides Chyka’s new nickname is ‘Switzerland’ because she’s been nothing but neutral during all the drama and then decides that she’s not going to invite Gina to her Liberty Belle Launch Party because Gina “doesn’t have the forsythe to see what she’s doing.” Right.
So we’re now at the Liberty Belle Launch Party, where Jackie tells us she “felt like JLo walking down the red carpet at the Grammys” when she arrived. The girls get together to toast Andrea’s new business, where Andrea announces “Let’s launch into Gina.” Chyka lives up to her new nickname by politely trying to smooth things over, which does down like a bucket full of botox. Which is kind of like a lead ballon, but smoother. Andrea tells us, “Hey Chyka, you’re at my party. Give me a bit of support here. Thanks.” Which can only mean one thing: A Very Tense Reunion Show.
Lydia leaps to Andrea’s defence by telling Chyka that “Gina’s crossed a line AND she’s got a gutter mouth.” Jackie jumps in with “I’ve got a gutter mouth sometimes” which Lydia is quick to point out is ok because Jackie “is very sophisticated.” Phew. Crisis Averted. The housewives then toast to “health, happiness and friendship” which Chyka adds is “very, very, very important.” Poor Chyka. She seems very worried about all this Gina/Mission Beach nonsense. I bet she didn’t have to deal with this sort of drama when she used to tell us how to make dried flower arrangements on The Bert Newton Show back in the day.
The party ends and we find ourselves going lingerie shopping with Jackie and Lydia because Jackie wants to get Ben “hot and horny.” Fabulous.
Jackie tries on various lingerie pieces for us all to see, but it’s racy red number that gets Lydia’s heart racing. She tells us “the lace around her, you know, private bits was just so sexy.” FYI: The ‘private bits’ she was talking about were Jackie’s boobs. No wonder Lyds was so devo about Gina telling everyone Lydia’s book was about vaginas. The poor love can’t even bring herself to say boobs.
Jackie then tells Lydia “I’m no model, but I can’t stop perving on myself” before dropping a lazy $4,025 on the lacy lingerie .
We then watch Jackie and Ben go out for dinner, where Jackie orders a $850 bottle of champagne, Ben tells her he wants babies and they both tell each other they’re getting turned on. Ben then surprises Jackie with a boat ride, only it’s not a surprise because Jackie had already guessed they were going on a boat because in case you’re not aware, she’s a professional psychic. They jump on board and Jackie tells us “This is like we’re in Europe but we’re going down The Yarra.” Ben then actually manages to surprise Jackie with 5 carat diamond earrings, which culminates in quite the on camera pash between the two and a very funny text message from my neighbour, who lives across the road from me:
Watching RHOM. Wanted to do some morse code with our front lights to you! Morse code for WTF? Are these women for real?
Which cracked me up no end and was too funny not to share with you all.
We then head to a party Chyka is throwing, where all the girls are happily chatting about how great it is to not have Gina there. But then Gina walks in. And it kind of gets awkward. Andrea refuses to air kiss Gina hello, but then does. Chyka toasts to “moving forward” and Jackie insists everyone do a solo dance. Everyone follows Jackie’s lead and gets up to show us their moves. Everyone except Gina, who refuses to join in because as Jackie put it “Gina thinks they’re a pack of bitches for what they did to her at Mission Beach.”
After everyone, myself included, has recovered from the solo dance routines, Andrea’s husband Dr Chris, or Mossey as he’s affectionately known amongst the gals, arrives. He and Andrea embark on quite the passionate hello which, just quietly, leaves Mossey looking a bit flustered. He then ups the ante on the awkwardness by innocently asking Gina, ” Did you girls have a good time in Queensland?” Gina replies, “not really” to which poor old Mossey asks, “the weather was bad?” Um, yeah, that was the problem. It rained. Fark. Somebody fill this poor guy in on the drama ASAP.
The housewives then venture up to the rooftop where Jackie tells us that Melbourne reminds her of LA, while Lydia thinks the view is giving of more of a Singapore vibe. The gals toast each other. Again. Janet’s necklace falls off, which Jackie says has something to do with burdens being lifted and that’s pretty much the end of the show. Tune in next week, where Figaro gets a makeover and Gina goes in hard with the cross examining. Can.Not.Wait.
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