Look I don’t want to kick things off by making this recap all about me, but can we just take a moment to discuss THIS:
Let’s all just play it cool for a minute or two because Chyka is totally reading these recaps.
Well ok, Chyka read last week’s and there’s absolutely no guarantee she’ll be back to read this week’s but I think we can all agree that Chyks and I are pretty much one double tap on the insta screen away from Face Timing each other and swapping necklace tips!
Here’s last week’s episode in case you missed it and would like to know what Chyka is referring to in her delightful comment that I may or may not be framing for my office: Real Housewives of Melbourne: Here Comes The Brides
But enough about me, let’s get on with show!
Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap: Episode 5
Gamble’s Wedding Day!
We’re finally in Byron Bay for Gamble’s Wedding Day. Rick & Gamble are at the iconic Byron Bay Lighthouse to discuss important things like cutlery, the wedding planner and the pre-nup.
Rick finds it all a bit awkward to talk about but Gamble’s across it and all three are organised #whatarelief
Meanwhile Back In Melbs…
Gina’s giving her PA, Josh, a maths lesson.
“I’m there for like four days so I’ll probably need three outfits a day, so I’ll need twelve.”
Josh smiles and suggests Gina wears a pair of flats to the beach wedding. Gina gives Josh an eye roll and asks him to get her a hot pink handbag from her wardrobe. Josh brings her two gold options.
Gina reveals she’s conducting the ceremony and they discuss the idea of Gina becoming a fully fledged celebrant. Gina would love to and I’m wondering why she didn’t raise this with the chemist warehouse people last week.
She could totally run a competition to be Married By Gina. Old mate who suggested the sleazy tag line of ‘If you want to sleep with Gina, give your wife this fragrance’ back in Episode Three would be BESIDE HIMSELF at the thought of being Married By Gina!
Gina, if YOU’RE reading this, there’s a Chemist Warehouse just up the road from me and it has the most spectacular entrance. Think massive double doors that slide quite gently as you walk through them to pick up your prescriptions and next door is a fabulous car park overlooking a pond* that would make a beautiful reception venue.
Also, I’ve ALWAYS got a Plan B and as luck would have it, I happen to know the owners of the Vet Clinic next door to the Chemist Warehouse, so if it rains, we could easily move things in there #justathought
Back at Byron
All the girls, except Janet as she has a medical appointment with her son, are now at Byron and it’s time for the wedding rehearsal to begin!
Gina, Gamble, Rick, the wedding planner and a couple of randoms are on the beach. It’s windy, Gamble and Gina are having heel in the sand issues and there’s no microphone organised for the exchanging of vows.
Thunderstorms are predicted and Alan (or A’Lyn as everyone kept pronouncing it – sorry Alan, A’Lyn, Alyn if I’ve spelt your name incorrectly) the wedding dress-maker/planner has no Plan B.
Champers anyone?
The rehearsal is done and all the gals have got together for a champers.
Gamble thanks everyone for coming and Gina says, “Well it’s exciting! It’s forever.”
To which Lyds replies, “Is it?” before telling us, “I mean, hello” so that was #touching
Gamble’s panicking about the storm situation and Chyka insists there has to be a Plan B. I’m so with Chyka on this one (see above) and feel like Chyka and I should meet to discuss the Plan B ASAP, even though this would’ve been filmed months ago and I now sound like a bit of a nutter.
Lyds thinks it would be lovely to hear Jackie’s vibe of the wedding, which is code for ‘could you please give us all a free psychic reading’.
Jackie’s not buying into Lydia’s nonsense and tells us, “Lydia why are you doing this? Are you trying to stir shit girlfriend? Cos I’m actually not interested. And btw, it’s actually my day off!”
Gamble would’ve loved to get a psychic vibe from Jackie and Lyds thinks that Jackie “just wants to deal with a client” before telling us,
“I mean, it’s like a butcher. You can’t be forever cutting up meat everywhere you go, you know? At times you have to stop.”
#makethat21
What’s Gina Up To?
Back at Gina, Chyka and Jackie’s table, Gina’s doing a bit of shameless self promotion and is flogging her up coming appearance on Celebrity Apprentice. Apparently the first episode goes to air the night before Gamble’s Wedding Day, which Jackie didn’t know about but Chyka did, so she’s “taped it at home.”
Gina told the gals that she’s going to watch the ep in her room and Chyka tells us, “I totally understand that she wants to watch her show but is it the right thing to do the night before her best friend’s wedding the next day? Probably not?”
Hmmm. I think I’ll have to sit on the fence on this one. Probably because this has given me the perfect opportunity to mention that tonight (Sunday) is the night before a fabulous friend and mentor of mine, Mrs Woog, attends her very own book launch.
Mrs Woog written a hilarious book called Primary School Confidential, which you can pre-order from Booktopia right here: Primary School Confidential
I was asked to contribute to the book and you could’ve knocked me over with a feather when I heard the news that the chapter I submitted was indeed going to be included!
So tomorrow I’m heading to Sydney to attend the book launch, where I will try my best to not to spill food down my front or say something inappropriate to somebody important #wishmeluck
MORE champers anyone?
It’s the day before Gamble’s Wedding Day and we’re celebrating with a champagne breakfast!
We met Jennifer, Gamble’s mum and after that lovely introduction we watch approximately 2.4 minutes of Gamble adjusting her boobs.
Jackie asks the gals if it took them long to fall pregnant and the conversation quickly turns to stories involving newborn babies and their horrific bodily functions.
Jackie is mortified and can’t believe what she is hearing, so now probably isn’t the best time to talk about the time I thought my eldest had a rock in his mouth (he was 8 months old at the time), so I put my finger in his mouth to pull it out, only to discover it was actual a very hard piece of poo that he had extracted from his own nappy #motheroftheyear
Gamble and Rick meet with Steve The Celebrant to go over a few things. They don’t have their vows organised or a Plan B but Gamble almost flashed her boobs at Steve The Celebrant AND he has a microphone, so things are definitely good for tomorrow’s nuptials!
The Night Before The Wedding
Everyone is at the pub. It’s raining, there’s thunder and Lyds is concerned.
“I mean can you imagine a bride with wet hair? She’s going to look like, you know, a rate with wet hair. It’s just like OMG!”
Janet arrives and Lyds apologises to PF for her behaviour a few episodes ago.
PF’s very hurt but she’s prepared to put it all behind her and all is forgiven.
Lyds then reveals that she’s had a really hard year and tells us, “Andrew and I went on a holiday. He got bitten by a mosquito and it infected his blood. He ended up with endo carditis. It attacked his heart valve and he had to have a replacement.”
She then tells PF, “you know it’s alright when other people have things going on in their lives but as soon as I have something on, no-one accepts it.”
Jackie joins the duo and through tears, Lyds tells Jackie she misses her friendship. Jackie and Lyds discuss things for a bit but lets pop over to Susie’s table and see what’s happening over there.
Oh look! Some good-looking random Italian bloke has bought Susie a drink. He noticed her from the other side of the room and though he’d introduce himself.
That, FYI, was much nicer than the bloke who walked past my girlfriend and I at the bar we were sitting at on Friday night and let rip a massive silent but deadly (SBD) as he sat down not far from us.
Gina then tells Gamble she’s making an early exit. Apparently she’s in Byron Bay with her boys and it’s one of her son’s birthdays, so she’s off to spend time with them. Can you smell that? I think it’s the plot thickening…
The Big Day Has Arrived!
Jackie and Janet start the day with a glass of champagne and a super sleuth chaser.
Janet spoke to several wedding guests last night who were at Gina’s Celebrity Apprentice viewing party, proving that Gina did not leave Gamble’s shin dig early to spend time with her boys.
Meanwhile, Gamble, Rick, Gina and Steve The Celebrant meet to sign some documents. Gina gives everyone quite the lengthy run down of the Celebrity Apprentice twitter feed before telling Gamble, “Look, I went on the show to help him with his ratings. That’s what happened.” Whatever. Can we just get to the wedding please?
Finally, we’re on the beach!
PF looked like a Disney Bride.
Chyka looked STUNNING.
Charles Billich walked Gamble down the aisle.
Gina conducted the ceremony and Rick’s son was the Best Man.
Vows were exchanged, tears were shed and Gamble and Rick were finally pronounced Husband and Wife.
Gamble summed things up by telling us, “I’m giddy with happiness. This is one of the most beautiful moments of my life. The best is yet to come.”
Which was truly beautiful.
Until we catch a glimpse of next week’s ep and see Gina yell, “How about you all go F*&k yourselves” at the reception.
Been to a beach wedding lately? Ordered Mrs Woog’s book? Did you tune into this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne?
Thank you to ARENA TV and FOXTEL for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne + Media Images each week
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