The Real Housewives of Melbourne Reunion kicks off with all the housewives rocking up to the studio for some pre-show snark hair and makeup.
#ITSUREDOESTAKEAVILLAGE
Once they’re all frocked up and ready to go, Susie, Jackie, Chyka, Janet, Lydia, Gamble, Gina and Pettifleur all join our host for the evening, Alex Perry, on the fancy couches for some not so fancy conversation.
#WERKIT
Rick and Gamble’s Wedding
Things kick off with a walk down the sandy aisle, as we reminisce about the day Rick and Gamble said, “I do” back in Episode Five (catch up on all the action in this recap: It’s Gamble’s Wedding Day!)
Alex asks Gamble a few questions and by a few, I mean two. Rick and Gamble have just bought their first house together and no, Rick’s son doesn’t think the housewives are a pack of bitches anymore. Thank god we got those two things cleared up. I have been worried sick about both issues for months, months I tell you!
Let’s Talk Friendships
Alex dares to explore Gamble and Gina’s friendship and asks Gina if she has “Mariah Carey moments. Are you a little bit of a diva?” Naturally Gina doesn’t think so and I am loving the whole #mariahcareymoments phrase sick.
Gina thinks she works harder than anyone else she knows and Chyka pipes up with, “I think that’s a very big call to make.”
The whole Celebrity Apprentice Viewing Party thing is discussed and Gina is still sticking to her story that she didn’t lie about returning to her room the night before Gamble’s wedding to watch herself on the tellie.
Chyka eye rolls out loud at Gina’s story, Janet asks out loud why Gina can’t just admit she lied and Gina says out loud, “because I didn’t lie” before blaming poor editing. Susie pipes up and suggests it was poor form to put Gina under so much pressure to perform the celebrant duties at the wedding and Gamble looks like she’s on the verge of tears #friendshipgoals
Hello Newbie Susie
We watch a super boring fascinating recap of Susie’s time on the show. But hold the line caller because remember how Jackie taped into her psychic vibes in the final episode and predicted Susie would meet a Jewish bloke in America?
Well you’ll never guess what’s just happened?! Susie has been invited to the wedding of a music producer on June 25th in…..Los Angeles (Lyds, that’s in America FYI) and…wait for it….the groom IS JEWISH!
#OMGISTHATHIM
Jackie and Susie are BESIDE THEMSELVES over this one because OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! Jackie was right! Susie is totally going to meet a Jewish bloke in America.
UM, AT HIS WEDDING. AS HE STANDS AT SOME SORT OF OTT FLORAL ARCHWAY (I’M ASSUMING) WAITING FOR HIS BRIDE OR GROOM (HELLO, IT IS 2016. SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO OUR PRIME MINISTER, IF YOU’RE READING THIS) TO JOIN HIM.
So the moral of the story here kids is, ALWAYS GET THE FULL STORY because the tiniest of details can sometimes be the biggest detail of them all.
Also, FYI, see through mesh dresses with strategically placed roses over bra-less boobs are a thing #abouttime
Here We Go Lyds!
So next up we watch a montage of Lyds in action and then one by one, the housewives all take turns to have a go at Lyds for her poor form this season.
PF is annoyed that Lyds didn’t back her up at times. No surprises there.
Susie is annoyed with Lyds for pretty much breathing and reveals all sorts of interesting bits of information about our grammatically challenged friend.
For example, did you know that when Susie was thinking about doing the show she called Lyds and Lyds was all, “Oh we’ll stick together. We’re family!” and when she hung up from that phone call, Lyds said to a friend (who is also friends with Susie) “I’ll tear her apart!” #niceone
Susie would like Lyds to “stop being so condescending” but shit Susie, have you even met Lyds? She’ll probably want to know where she can find the recipe for that dish.
Lyds kinds of looses it at this point and starts yelling that she’s been the only one who has been slammed all season. She tells Susie, “You’re such an angry little shit!” before then instructing Susie to “get off your own horse.”
Oh FFS LYDIA. IT’S HIGH HORSE. GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE.
#GIDDYUP
#freejohanna
After a quick ad break there’s a montage of Lydia bossing her housekeeper Johanna around, which leaves the housewives gobsmacked.
There’s also an interesting flashback to Lyds telling us that she found Johanna roaming the streets and that’s how she became Lydia’s “house friend.” But guess what re-cappers? Turns out Johanna used to be Susie’s housekeeper and THAT’S how Lyds actually found her.
Susie tells Lyds, “I never would’ve given you her (Johanna’s) number had I have known that you would have the attitude you have towards her as a human being. I wouldn’t.”
Shane Warne, Incredible Cricket Lengen*
*not a typo (refer to this post: Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap, Episode One for a full explanation)
The whole ‘is Lyds rooting Shane Warne?’ thing is discussed and of course Lyds isn’t having an affair with Warnie. Don’t be so ridiculous! They’re just friends and yes, they still are friends thanks very much.
But hang on a minute because Susie would like to jump in here and let everyone know that Lyds is actually full of shit.
Shane has told Susie that he is no longer friends with Lydia, that he’s very unhappy about all the affair rumours, that there’s nothing going on between the two of them and he’s not attracted to Lyds like that but that Lyds is ‘there’ and ‘keen’.
So I get all of the Shane Warne, Incredible Cricket Lengen* comments except the last one – I’m assuming by ‘there’ and ‘keen’ he means Lyds is at the reunion and enthusiastic. Because surely he couldn’t mean anything else, could he? #umah
It’s PF’s turn
We watch a montage of PF watching herself and once that’s done Alex Perry (AP) asks her why she’s so into herself. PF reveals that she’s 51 and is all natural – the housewives lose the plot at the last bit and an argument breaks out over PF’s cheekbones.
Apparently ALL the housewives are convinced PF has had fillers whacked into those cheeks of hers because nobody can lose such huge amounts of weight like PF has and be left with such chiseled cheekbones. Big issues people, we are solving all the big issues.
Chyka confronts PF about some random moment in time when they were at a shot and PF called Chyka frumpy. PF denied that ever happened and called Chyka a liar. I mean, really. AS IF Our Chyka would EVER look frumpy, let alone tell a lie!
Janet then has a go at PF and once again PF denies any wrong doing. PF winds Janet right up when she tells her she only apologised in Dubai to “shut you up!” Janet responds by telling PF she’s “a piece of scum” and finishes things off by giving PF the middle finger #classy
Then there’s a montage of all the times Gamble and PF have had words, which is approximately 9,762 times*
*may or may not be accurate
Gamble tells AP she’s annoyed that PF has a blog and has written derogatory things about the housewives on there. PF argues that what she’s written is nothing new and nothing that hasn’t been said or done on the show.
Gamble disagrees and thinks PF is writing nasty things and says she didn’t sign up to appear on a blog. Meanwhile, in other completely unrelated news, if anybody needs me I’ll be over here in the corner not writing things on a blog about people who appear on tv shows #awkward
Jackie and PF then have a bit of go at each other, with PF yelling at Jackie, “You’re a disgusting angel! You’re like the bloody devil!” Jackie yells back, PF yells back even louder, Janet joins in and AP walks off set, telling the girls he’s going to check his text messages.
They all stop talking, he gets up and gives them quite the lecture, “”When you all talk at the same time we get jack shit. It’s the third fucking series. You know that! But no, jump in! Jesus. What is the matter with you?” (Um, sorry to interrupt Alex, but that’s a bit of a loaded question don’t you think? We’re 47 minutes into a 90 minute show. There just isn’t enough time left to even begin to answer that.)
Once the lecture is done, we watch a montage of PF and Jackie’s tense friendship. Once again PF refuses to take any responsiblity for the horrible names she called Jackie (“she’s a bogan on steroids”) and tells AP that the whole country thinks Jackie is a bogan.
So wait, does that mean PF now has psychic vibes of her own? Because how else would she know what the whole country is thinking? And if she does have psychic vibes, PF is way off because I don’t think Jackie is a bogan. I do however think that PF could do with attending some sort of Empathy 101 Masterclass with a How To Say Sorry And Actually Mean It chaser. I wonder if her new-found psychic abilities are picking up THOSE vibes?
Lydia’s Gossip Drama
Next, the conversation turns to all the gossip Lydia has been accused of spreading about the housewives this season. Catch up the gossip drama in this post: Real Housewives of Melbourne Finale Recap
Lydia tells AP she hasn’t made up any rumours and she’s “so sick of everyone blaming me for everything this season. You’ve all said it was me, me, me, me!”
To which the housewives reply, “Because it was you!”
Janet goes in hard and demands to know “Who told you the rumour about me? Did you hear it from someone else, the rumour that you made up about me? Who told you the rumour you made up about me?”
Lyds refuses to answer and tells Janet to go to sleep. Janet responds by telling Lyds, “I’m asking you a question you dumb fat bitch” which I think we can all agree probably indicates that Janet’s not too keen on taking on board Lydia’s advice to have a little nap right about now.
AP asks why there’s so much anger in the room and Chyka suggests it’s because there’s no ownership of behaviour happening.
Chyka has forgiven Lyds for saying things about her family and business to various people in Melbourne and they are taking “baby steps” towards becoming friends again.
There was then a solid five minutes dedicated to more of the same (Lyds said xyz about abc – no I didn’t – yes you did – no I didn’t) which to be honest was really irritating to watch, so let’s press fast forward on that and wrap things up thanks Alex.
#PAGEANTGOALS
What Have We Learnt This Season?
Gina’s learnt to be a part of a very dysfunctional sisterhood.
Jackie’s learnt that she’ll keep the door open for pregnancy.
Gamble’s learnt how to roll with the punches, hold her ground and not take things too seriously.
Any regrets?
PF has no regrets at all.
Lydia regrets “hurting you know, Chyka and the girls at times.”
Chyka has no regrets and thinks “the whole experience is so fantastic good and bad and I love it!” But not enough to come back for Season Four #insertsadfacehere
Susie “probably regrets not being more assertive.”
While Janet “let them get under my skin” and wishes she didn’t.
I regret eating a Tim Tam earlier because now I really want another one and they’re all the way downstairs and that’s a bit too much effort for me. Lyds, can you get Johanna to swing by my place with a packet of Tim Tams once she’s finished Spray and Wiping your coffee table today? I live in Brisbane, which is a bit of a drive from Melbourne.
In fact, if you get a ruler out and measure on google maps the distance between Melbs and BrisVegas, each one of those tiny black lines on the ruler – sorry, before we go any further I should explain what a ruler is! A ruler is one of those long wooden things with numbers from 1-30 down the side – anyway, see those tiny black lines down the side? Well each one of those represents 24 hours, or one day. I know – a ruler that also tells the time. Whatever will they think of next?!
So if you could get Johanna to pack a bag when she drives up in her Swift to drop off the Tim Tams that would be helpful. If you look closely at the ruler, it’s going to take her roughly 60 hours to get here. And then she has to drive back. And we’d better allow extra time for stops along the way. So I’d say if she leaves today, you can expect Johanna to be back the day after never.
RUN JOHANNA, RUN!
And that, my Real Housewives of Melbourne loving friends is Season Three done and dusted.
Thank you for reading my recaps each week. I really appreciate it!
Don’t forget you can join me over on Facebook and Instagram anytime and there’s a fantastic giveaway happening here on the blog later in the week with $200 worth of Intimo goodies up for grabs for one lucky Australian or New Zealand reader, so you should definitely stick around for that!
What did you think of Season Three? Are you sad Chyka’s not coming back next year? Going to enter the giveaway later in the week? Tell me all the things!
Huge thanks to the team at FOXTEL & ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne each week. It’s been another great season of recaps! See you back here for Season Four.
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