Look, I’m not going to lie. The final reunion show of The Real Housewives of Melbourne was a bit of a snore fest. It was pretty much an hour of awkward moments, cat fights and secretly taped toilet scenes. Which, I have to tell you, reminded me a lot of high school.
So instead of going through the entire contents of the show, today, for the final Real Housewives Recap of 2014, I thought I’d highlight some of the Awkward Moments that occurred…
Awkward Moment #1
Good old Lyds got things off to a cracking start, when we watched previously unseen footage of her telling the camera that “Looking forward is only an imagination of your brain. It’s what you want to imaginate.” A statement which resulted in quite a few sniggers from the housewives. Which I thought was a bit unnecessary. I mean if I had a dollar for every time I told people that looking forward is what you want to imaginate, well, I’d have $1.50 and possibly a thesaurus waiting patiently for me under the Christmas tree, so it’s not really THAT big of a deal.
Awkward Moment #2
Jackie’s International Rockstar Husband, Ben, arrived on set to have a chat about how he doesn’t like talking about money before bringing out a tray of La Mascara Espresso Martinis for the housewives to taste test. Which wasn’t really that awkward at all, until I realised that nobody actually drank their martinis. So that was awkward. I mean, how am I meant to know if I should schlep down to my local Dan Murphy’s and part with Scott’s hard earned 25 bucks to buy a bottle of Espresso Martini or not, without the housewives telling me it’s delicious?
Awkward Moment #3
Lydia’s borderline vegetarian dog, Figaro, arrived on set IN THE NUDE. Apparently Fiagro’s outfit didn’t arrive in time for the reunion show, so he looked like a completely normal dog. I mean, really. On a scale of 1 – Creepy Uncle Giving You Really Long Hugs At Christmas, it was pretty awkward to see a dog sitting on a couch wearing nothing but his own fur. But we did learn that Figaro is an Italian Greyhound with a very delicate stomach, so that was nice.
Awkward Moment #4
There was a lengthy discussion about Gina constantly being late all the time, which resulted in yet another hardcore cat fight between Gina and Andrea, with Andrea firing off intense questions such as, “What was all the brown stuff you left in my bathroom?” (FYI: It was bronzer. Gina doesn’t do fake tan) This culminated in host Alex Perry announcing, “There’s something similar about both of you” which probably would’ve resulted in many raised eyebrows, if the housewives were capable of doing so, but instead it was met with what can only be described as Frosty Silence with an Eye Roll Chaser.
Awkward Moment #5
Things definitely got a bit awkward when Jackie walked off set. Mostly because the housewives were having a very long and classy discussion about that word which so far has been used by Gina (although she was denying that she ever used that word…until footage was shown of her actually using that word to describe Lydia, but as Gina told the housewives many times during the reunion show, she didn’t actually call Lydia that word to her face, so there’s nothing to apologise for), Janet (who, in her words, “wouldn’t give a shit” if anyone called her that word), Andrea (who only used that word to highlight that Gina uses that word all.the.time) and Jackie (who called Gina that word way back in Episode One and is now a bit beside herself because she felt terrible for using that word and now here she is, sitting on a bloody reunion show couch, watching footage of Gina using that word AND THEN DENYING USING IT, which results in Jackie accusing Gina of “controlling her image on camera” before walking off set. With dramatic music playing as she did so, which was then followed by an ad break. So it was a dream come true for the producers both tense AND awkward.)
After the ad break, where I managed to inhale 3 lindt balls AND a small slice of cake (it was Mother’s Day after all), Jackie returned to the couch where she told us she was very upset about “the energy and the lies” before telling Gina “You’re a bogan. You’re vile. You’re disgusting. And that’s why you’re not married.” OUCH.
Gina responds by calling all the gals “hysterical” before Switzerland Chyka intervenes and gives everyone quite the dressing down. “It’s mortifying,” she tells Alex Perry. “All the mean-ness, that’s so unnecessary and if my kids were doing it, I would be furious with them.” Cue MEGA AWKWARD SILENCE from The Goat Whisperer, The Barrister, The Flying Cheese Queen and The Very Hard Working Mother With Five Fannies who clearly didn’t appreciate Chyka having an opinion/making them look like school girl fools/talking.
The Final Awkward Yet Completely Classy Moment Of The Night
After all of the bitching, whinging and moaning was done and dusted, Lyds presented Gina with a lovely little book called The Vagina. Both gals sort of forgive each other and hug it out before Gina opens the book to a random page, which by shear coincidence features that word under a rather odd looking picture which when I tilted my head to the left and squinted my eyes, kind of looked like a very artistic painting of a flower, so that was a nice way to end the show.
And that, my friends, marks the end of The Real Housewives of Melbourne for 2014. But don’t panic because it’s been announced that the gals will be returning for more Real Housewife antics next year. Can. Hardly. Wait.
What did you think of the show? Did you rate it or hate it? Love it or Loathe it? Do tell…
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