Just like that we find ourselves reading the Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 3 Finale Recap. How time flies when you’re surrounded by bat shit crazy narcissists! having fun!
Things kick off with PF and her sister having a chat on a park bench. PF has gone for a subtle look of neon purple lipstick and a #switchthebitch tee-shirt for her chance to apologise to her sister for being “up herself” (PF’s sister’s words, back in Episode Two) and only ever talking about important things in her life, like Chanel handbags.
PF’s sister feels terrible for calling PF up herself but it’s all good because PF “needed a wake up call to understand that I should not do that.”
Emo music starts playing in the background and the two sisters are friends again. Hooray! That’s Happy Ending Number One done and dusted for the Season 3 Finale (and no Brian. I am most definitely not referring to the same sort of happy ending that you are thinking of!)
How’s Lydia?
She’s great, thanks for asking!
It’s her mum’s 69th birthday and the party is in full swing at Lydia’s house. She’s invited all the housewives, including PF, despite the fact she told PF she was a “f*&king idiot” and she can “f*&k off” during dinner at the Glasshouse in last week’s episode.
PF “has a lot of reservations about Lydia’s behaviour” towards her but she’s been invited and is contractually obligated to be there “and a friend, I’m going to do my part.”
Lydia’s mum, Lena, has a bit of a thing for donkeys so during the party Lyds presents her mum with “not one, but a couple of donkeys!” Two Lyds. You gave your mum two donkeys.
The guests then sit down for lunch and Gina meets Lydia’s brother John. They’ve never met before but John has seen Gina on tv. “I’ve been on Neighbours. I’ve been on Celebrity Apprentice” Gina tells him.
Yep, you sure have. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ACTUAL TV SHOW YOU’RE ON NOW?! YOU KNOW, THE ONE THE CAMERA CREW ARE HERE FOR? WHAT’S THAT ONE CALLED AGAIN?! Oh never mind.
The girls have a bit of a chat with Lyds about the Chyka dinner drama (remember that? You can catch up on it here: The Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap, Drama in Dubai) Lyds is meeting with Chyka because “she is really, really upset” (no shit Sherlock) and “it’s because of Jackie” (um, ok then.)
Lyds doesn’t think she’s a malicious person and believes Jackie’s psychic vibes are way off. You see all this gossip is coming to Lyds, the poor luv, and she’s just repeating it. That’s not malicious. And what’s she meant to do? Keep her mouth shut? Well, yep. That would be a good start.
Gina sums things up by telling us, “Lydia doesn’t operate as someone who’s malicious. Someone who’s malicious will start a rumour. Someone who’s daft will spread it. So I think she falls in the daft category.”
Lyds is “feeling blamed and ganged up on a little” but Gina has no time for people who cause problems and then pull the victim card, so tells her to “F*&king deal with it”.
Let’s test those psychic vibes
Susie’s visiting Jackie’s house for a reading. Rosie and Frank joined them (Susie’s grandparents, no longer with us) and told Jackie that Susie’s going to marry a Jewish bloke who lives in America. Susie says that explains why she’s been baking so many Jewish recipes lately and she feels very protected. So that’s nice.
There was no mention of a birth certificate, so I’m assuming PF is still pissed about that. Although she is friends with her sister now, so she probably doesn’t need Jackie’s psychic vibes to find the birth cert . She can just tell her sister to go and do the lining up for 45 minutes thing for her instead! Hooray! There’s Happy Ending Number Two – PF is on fire with the happy endings this season!
Janet and Jackie do lunch
Where they discuss all sorts of very important things ranging from Susie’s reading (“she was really emotional”) to Jackie’s rack (“look how big my boobs are right now!”) The convo then turned to Jackie’s future family, where Janet wanted to know what star sign Jackie and Ben’s yet to be conceived baby will be (“Do you want like a Leo or a Scorpio?”) because as Janet pointed out, “You don’t want a child that’s incompatible to you!”
Well no, you certainly do not. So there you go parents of the world. You are officially off the hook. If your child is a bit of a weasel, it’s got nothing to do with you – you’re doing a GREAT job – it’s all your child’s fault because they’re the wrong star sign!
Meanwhile at the Chemist Warehouse
PF has traded the neon purple lipstick for a more subtle shade of blue and along with Gamble and Susie has frocked up to support Gina’s fragrance launch. PF apologises to Gamble for the black widow comment she made a while ago and Gamble accepts her apology, which means, yep you guessed it…Happy Ending Number Three for PF!
Lyds arrives, takes one look at PF and exclaims, “I’ve got the perfect bag for your lips!” before holding up her blue evening bag. PF gives Lyds an epic side eye but then obviously remembers that she’s on a happy ending roll this episode and through gritted teeth tells Lyds her hair looks nice.
Which she then follows up with, “I wore it first though. Bitch stole my look.” Aaaand we’re back.
Susie tells Lyds that PF is upset about how Lyds talked to her at the Glasshouse last week. Lyds says, “that’s her own insecurities. I can’t help that. She needs to take some serious vitamins and boost herself up or stay at home and knit. I don’t know.” Ok then. So just to be clear, the next time anyone yells at you in public it’s because you need a bit more Vitamin D in your life or possibly some wool, okay? Great. So pleased we got that one sorted.
The perfume launch happens, which basically involves Gina being escorted into the party by two suit clad men and then giving a speech where she thanked everyone except her PA, Josh #awkward
Once the Oscar worthy speech is made, Gina joins the girls. Lyds sneezes and is possibly allergic to Gina (the fragrance, not the human) and jokes about made about PF’s blue lips being a result of her doing sexual things with a Smurf #classy
What’s Our Chyka up to?
I’m so pleased you asked! Our Chyka is hanging out with her daughter, Chessie, in her necklace storage facility (aka WIR or closet for the American readers amongst us). Chyka is choosing a necklace and Chessie gives it a big old no, “This is becoming very 101 Chyka. The really extravagant necklace. I’m going to say no.” Chyka puts the necklace down and looks a bit devo tbh. Don’t worry Chyks. You can wear it when I come over for a champers!
Chessie and Chyks discuss who is going to dinner later that evening, “What about Lyds?” (LYDS! Do you think this means Chessie is reading the blog too?! I mean I know the episodes were taped MONTHS AGO, but that’s a minor detail!)
Chyka confirms that yes, Lyds is going to the dinner and they’re meeting beforehand to have a little chat about things. So let’s see how that went down, shall we?
Dinner at Waterfront – Lyds and Chyka clear the air
Right, so Chyka begins by telling Lyds she’s upset about the things Lyds has been saying about her and the other girls. Lyds is sticking to her story that it’s all Jackie’s fault and tells Chyka, “She (Jackie) goes on about rubbish and I truly believe you have been influenced and egged on.”
Chyka denies this and Lyds goes in hard with the victim card, claiming that Jackie has “said some really nasty things. She’s said some dumb shit!” and that dumb shit has really upset poor old Lyds.
Chyka tells Lyds that she feels the same way about the awful things Lyds has been saying about Chyka and the penny sort of drops for Lyds, “Well I’m really sorry you felt like that. Hence why I’m here today because I just don’t want my friendship with you to be destroyed over idle gossip and you know, rubbish.”
Chyka, being the epitome of class and style that she is, tells Lyds that she doesn’t want to fight, she doesn’t want to “have someone that I’m not friends with anymore” and she would like to be able to get back to a place with Lyds where they feel “happy, trust each other and have each other’s back and support one another.”
Lyds is ALL OVER IT and the two of them clink their champagne glasses and cheers each other to a good night.
Let’s eat!
All the housewives arrive for dinner and Chyka and Lyds join them. They’ve polished off a bottle of Moet between the two of them and are “all good!” (Chyka’s words, not mine) Jackie’s a bit horrified by this news, so dinner should be interesting…
Jackie wastes no time and asks straight away if anything was said about her. Lyds accuses Jackie of being a trouble maker and a liar and it is GAME, SET AND MATCH as far as Jackie is concerned.
She starts repeating all the rumours Lyds has spread in the last few years to a gobsmacked table of housewives,
“This one’s partner tries cracking onto you!” (pointing to Gina) “This one’s partner’s a f*&king weirdo!” (pointing to PF) “This one’s a sex addict!” (pointing to Gamble) “This one had affairs because she had money because of her man” (looking at Janet) “This one’s family is a,b,c,d and e” (pointing to Chyka) “And you f*&king tried to crack onto my husband!”
Lydia’s response? “It’s made up bullshit.”
Susie raises the issue of the nasty rumours Lydia spread about her when her first marriage ended a number of years ago. Lyds calls bullshit on that too because she’s never even met Susie’s first husband!
But then Susie points out that Lyds was at their wedding, which pretty much proves Lyds is full of shit, but instead of admitting to that Lyds wonders OUT LOUD if she has pre-dementia and perhaps that’s why she keeps forgetting all of these things that seem to upset everyone so much?
Jackie then fires up with, “Let’s talk about the affairs you have honey!” and then talks about a time where she left Lyds in a hotel room with some bloke after the Logies (a TV awards show here in Australia. Think a peasant version of The Emmy’s or BAFTA’s and you’re on the right track.)
Lyds isn’t happy and tells us, “She’s making up shit and she’s trying to destroy my family. What a pig. What a pig she is.”
Chyka steps in at this point, “Ok, this is a very big call because we’re talking about someone’s marriage.”
PF joins the bitch fest discussion and tells the group that Lyds “has told me about Chyka and she’s a liar!” Janet suggests that Lyds should just admit to making a mistake and apologise to the group.
Lyds tells us, “I’m feeling pressured to apologise. Do all these girls just want to hear the word? I’m happy to tell you the word. Does it have any meaning behind it? Nope.”
Lyds then attempts an apology, “If I’ve said sunthing* I’ve probably said it because I’m really upset, and you know we do say some silly things when we’re upset. I think we all have. But, you know, I actually think I’m an okay person!”
*not a typo
PF tells Lyds she sucks as a friend and Lyds tells her to “go suck on your own f*&king head!” and then, just like that, we’re watching a montage of nothing but champagne drinking, exploding f bombs and epic eye rolls.
To be honest, it was kind of like re-living Christmas Day at my parents house but with a lot more hair.
Jokes. AS IF anyone in my family would behave like that at Christmas!
I was thinking of Easter.
See you back here on May 15th for the Real Housewives of Melbourne reunion recap, which I’m sure will be just as classy as this week’s finale was!
Thanks to ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of the Real Housewives of Melbourne + Media Images each week. It gives me plenty of time to write these recaps and organise a calm, quiet room to sit in afterwards.
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