This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Jackie, Lydia and Pettifleur doing a spot of shopping in Collins St.
Lydia tells us, “The top end of Collins St, Melbourne, is like the Paris of shopping.”
Now look, I’m not entirely sure when Lyds was last in Paris and don’t get me wrong, Melbourne is amazing, but it’s no Champs-Elysees!
Not an Eiffel Tower in sight!
Lydia takes Jackie and Pettifleur into her favourite store where Jackie trots out the line, “That’s very couture” 782 more times than the number of vodka shots I had while watching this episode. Jacks tried on a coat, asked if it was real fur (“It is”) and promptly took it off while announcing, “I’m psychic, I pick up on energies.” Especially while stroking fur.
The gals had a quick chat about last week’s Sydney trip, which apparently was “and eye opener” for Pettifleur because Gina wasn’t very nice to her. #sadface
Meanwhile, over at the Royal Melbourne Show, Gamble and her dog, Cash, are getting ready for the dog show.
Gamble “hasn’t got a clue” what she’s doing and “hasn’t practised with Cash at all” but it’s ok because he knows all sorts of tricks like walking. #gifted
Gina rocks up to watch the dynamic duo do their thing during the Pomeranian Challenge and after three exhausting rounds of jumping, retrieving and dressing your dog up in an outfit of their choice, Cash claimed third place!
My first thought was that the whole thing was rigged, but as Gamble explained it, “Fourth place forgot to blow dry her hair in the morning so it must have a bit more to do with the full presentation of your team.” #totally
There was then a scene where most of the gals meet to discuss Janet’s new tea venture, which she’s doing with her son. Janet crapped on filled the gals in on things before telling them she’s found a tea lady in The Philippines who can identify 100 different tea flavours, so she’s off to meet her and would The Gals like to join her?!
“OMG. YES. WOW” replies Lydia, who was BESIDE HERSELF at the thought of going to The Philippines because a) she’s never been there and b) her housekeeper is from there! #FFS
Next up, Gamble and her sister, Tempest, are having a vino together. Tempest’s flown down to Melbourne because, as Gamble tells us, “she’s feeling a little bit sad about her looks.” I don’t know about you, but whenever I feel a little bit sad about my looks, I totally jump on a plane and then ask a close family member to tell all of Australia that I look like shit, so yeah, that’s totally normal!
Tempest gives Gamble a bit of a run down about what procedures she’s getting. You know, to improve her looks. Gamble’s had the same procedures and tells us, “cosmetic surgery is really important for people when people are loosing their self esteem. Feeling beautiful is a wonderful feeling and every woman should have that privilege.” #whatevs
Fortunately Tempest is going to the same clinic where Gamble had her boobs done (“I’ve spent around $90,000 on cosmetic surgery but 20 of that was to fix some bad work that I had done”) so Gamble is able to fill her in on what to expect post-surgery (“You can’t leave until you’ve done a poop”) #TMI
Also, please note, that once Tempest has recovered from her low self esteem surgery, Gamble has kindly offered to buy her new clothes, get her teeth whitened and “make her f*&king hot” So that must’ve been really nice for Tempest to hear, you know, while she was feeling like complete and utter shit. #not
Meanwhile, Chyka and Jackie are hitting up a venue for Gamble’s hens night. Jackie suggests a James Bond Theme but Chyka wants a Cabaret. Jackie convinces Chyka that strippers are required by bringing in actual strippers. #greattactic
There’s then quite the graphic lap dance session involving three faux members of the armed forces, a can of whipped cream and a very tight butt slap! #gochyka
Remember when Lydia was learning how to play poker with Shane Warne back in Episode 3? (I don’t know WHERE your mind was heading with that sentence, but I was referring TO A CARD GAME!) Well tonight the Real Housewives of Melbourne finally head along to the Shane Warne Foundation’s charity poker night.
On a random side note, how clever is Shane Warne?! I mean really. Who else do you know that can start up a charity that revolves around nothing but playing poker in a casino with a lot of hot looking women?! #gold #howzat #onlyinaustralia
Pettifleur takes the poker game as an opportunity to quiz Lydia about her friendship with Shane Warne,
“How do you know each other?” “How are you friends?” “Like really tight friends?” “Like hang out?” before telling us, “I think Shane and Lydia have great chemistry. They’re a fabulous looking couple.” #awkward
The poker game continues for a while (Chyka has NFI what she’s going while Jackie is inhaling the food like she’s at a Sizzler buffet) before Lydia tells us, “You know I think because I was involved it just made me feel so good.” #WTF
We then watch Pettifleur and her non-phillipino housekeeper jam 47 designer frocks, 25 matching handbags and 13 pairs of sunglasses into one suitcase before heading over to Lydia’s house.
She’s packing with her very phillipino housekeeper and tells us, “I don’t know too much about the Philippines” but it’s ok because she can ask her house keeper all sorts of embarrassing interesting questions:
“It’s humid?”
“Are there traffic lights?”
The housekeeper then gives Lydia an envelope. It has a letter inside for her family and she would love it if Lydia could give it to them.
“Oh you’ve given me goosebumps. I would love to do that!” replies Lydia, “Otherwise, if I don’t see them, I’ll post it.” #gobsmacked #surelyshecan’tbeserious
Alright, so now the gals are in Manila and Jackie’s busy watching her philippino stylist unpack for her. She can’t live without her stylist, especially when travelling #same
Gina, Chyka and Gamble nick off for a quiet champers, where they discuss Pettifleur’s book, Switch The Bitch. Apparently Pettifleur asked Chyka to read it, which Chyka did and she really enjoyed it #goodtoknow However she also googled the title and discovered someone in America has written a book called The Bitch Switch.
Gina suggests it’s plagiarism and thinks using the word bitch is degrading to women #totallyagree while Gamble pipes up with, “It’s not exactly a FENIMIST title, is it?”
Meanwhile, Pettifleur, Jackie and Lydia are shopping. Lyds spies a pearl shop and simply must go in because she lurves pearls. Janet spies a pearl ring called Pettifleur and the actual Pettifleur “nearly peed her pants” when she saw it too!
Pettifleur tries the ring on (Lyds tells us “that ring was fluffy and tizzy like Pettifleur”), Janet gives the gals a quick lesson in the colour of pearls and Pettifleur tells Janet and Lydia about Gina’s recent digs at her re: her accent and background.
Lyds and Janet think Gina’s just “taking the piss” (that means making fun of her, for the US readers amongst us) which prompts Pettifleur to ask, “Is it taking the piss or it is a little bit racist?”
Lydia suggests Pettifleur has a chat to Gina about it and Janet agrees. Janet also tells us, “I think Gina will take it as an attack and I think it will be a very interesting conversation. I do hope it happens in front of me.” So obviously L&G have nothing but Pettifleur’s best interest at heart and aren’t at all interested in watching a scrag fight unfold #not
Next up the gals meet for a drink on a rooftop where they discuss important things like the humidity (“OMG, MY HAIR!”), the tea lady (“She’s a tea master”) and the view (“I don’t want to say slums, but I think that’s what it is”)
Chyka then discusses their ride from the airport (presumably in a stretch limo) and did you see the children playing in the rubbish on the side of the road? They looked so happy! #FFS #Couldn’tMakeThisShitUpIfITried
Pettifleur saves the scene by telling us, “Coming from a third world country myself, I think children smile through their tears.”
Then we watch Janet take the girls to some swanky restaurant called 71 Gramercy for dinner. Lyds tells us, “It was on the SEVENETY ONETH floor, so it was extremely high”
IT’S FIRST LYDIA. FIRST. YOU WERE ON THE SEVENTY FIRST FLOOR.
Gamble makes a toast to Janet, “Love and hatred are sisters on the same coin” before telling us she stole that quote from my personal hero RON BURGUNDY. #GOLD #FUNNIESTTVMOMENTI’VESEENINAGES
Stay Classy Melbourne!
Highlights during dinner include Gina swearing as they take a tequila shot (“Oh f*&king hell”) and Chyka not so tactfully discussing Pettifleur’s book (“I actually don’t read self help books but I loved what I read”)
Gina told Pettifleur that “someone else has used the title” but everybody can just calm the farm because Pettifleur already knew about the American book, which according to P is “completely different. Not interested. Don’t care.”
Gina and P then go back and forth for a bit about the use of the word bitch (Gina: “I find it offensive”), Jackie leaps to P’s defines and P goes in hard with the comebacks (“I hear you constantly bitching!”)
It’s here that The Real Housewives Of Melbourne, Episode 7 ends, but don’t worry. It’s a bit of a To Be Continued ep, with all sorts of revolving lovely things being said next week, so stay tuned for that!
What did you think of this week’s Episode? I think Gamble’s hilarious, Lydia could do with a crash course in numbers and Chyka might need me to help her co-ordinate the armed forces during the hens night. Your thoughts?
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