Welcome to your Real Housewives of Melbourne Episode 3 Recap.
This week’s ep kicks off with Chyka and Lyds catching up for lunch. They chat about everything from the benefits of kiwifruit (“It unblocks you”) to Lydia’s new earrings (“You’ve changed your earrings!”) before launching into quite the debrief about the Gamble Gossip. (FYI: You can catch up on all the Gamble Gossip in last week’s recap)
Lyds is quite shocked to be hearing Chyka repeating gossip and tells us, “Miss Switzerland that doesn’t say anything and solves all the problems was passion on some gossip to me!”
Well yes, she was. And if I’m not mistaken, referring to Chyka as Switzerland was first done on this blog, way back in April 2014 when I recapped Episode 9 of Series 1. Do you think that means Lyds is reading this?! God I hope so. Because then we can become BFF’s and I can totally learn how to fly a plane or visit Lydia’s ski chalet!
But back to recapping this week’s episode. So Chyka tells Lyds she was “blown away” when Janet accused Gamble of attending sex parties, while Lyds just can’t believe that she’s missed out on all of this goss. But as Chyka tells her, “It’s good that you haven’t heard because it means that it’s gone. It means that Janet’s put the fire out and it means it never gets repeated again.”
Cue a VERY lengthy pause with a Bold and the Beautiful inspired gaze chaser, before Lyds pipes up with, “Do you think?”
Next up, we’re at a photo shoot with Jackie and Ben. They’re looking for someone to be the face of their cocktail range (La Mascara) which Jackie’s having a bit of trouble pronouncing. Ben gives her several pointers before assuming the role of director, which she tells us, “was doing my head in.”
To be honest, it was kind of doing my head in too, but I was also wondering if Ben is still a rockstar because that hasn’t been mentioned ONCE and we’re almost 2.5 episodes in! This time last year, we’d heard that Jackie’s husband “is a rock star” approximately 4,982 times, yet this year, there’s not a word of being famous. Odd.
Janet then arrives to watch Jackie do her thing in front of the camera which then turns into an impromptu psychic reading on a velvet couch. Jackie was picking up “vibes that Janet was a bit sad” and she tells Janet that she thinks Gamble will be “very angry with you for a long time….and I think she’s probably looking for someone else to blame and why would somebody bring that up?”
Janet leaps to her own defence, claiming it was Chyka would brought up the sex party goss and decides that next time somebody asks her something she’s just “going to say nothing.” So that should be for fabulous television!
Janet then invites Jackie to a game of golf. Jackie’s never played gold before and tells us, “Balls in the holes. Is that what you call it? That sounds a bit weird actually.” Yes, that’s exactly what you call it. I mean who hasn’t, at some point in their life, told their family and friends they’re just going out for a quick round of Balls In The Holes?!
Oh and in case you were wondering, Janet’s going to invite Gamble to the golf game because as Janet puts it, “I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong so why would I change my mind?” Yep, there’s nothing wrong with suggesting your mate is a sex worker/party go-er on national tv. Nothing wrong with that at all!
Meanwhile, Gamble’s trying to get ready for a fashion parade at Chadstone and Janet’s trying to call her. Gamble’s not interested in taking the call because “their behaviour is absolutely appalling.” Hmmm, I don’t know about you, but I have a feeling these two housewives aren’t exactly on the same page.
We then find ourselves at Pettifluer’s, where she’s having a fancy tea party with some random called Charlotte. Turns out Charlotte is actually P’s eye brow waxer and they’re great friends because, “both of us have worked through our inner demons and we then decided to write a book together. Switch the Bitch.”
Um, excuse me? I thought P was writing the switchy bitchy book? Isn’t that what she told us all in last week’s episode?
Charlotte’s been really busy with the whole book writing thing (“How many words have you written?” “I’m not sure how many words there are. I’ll have to count them”) and tells P that what she’s written is “an instructional guide to women to say this is the formula that you need to do the ultimate dance of love and capturing the heart of the man you want”
Look, I’m not saying that wouldn’t be a useful guide to have, but the one and only time I did the ultimate dance of love, was back in 1994 and it involved a dodgy pub, several shots of tequila and a packet of chips (you can read all the details in a post I wrote a while ago called How I Met My Husband). So if anyone needs advice on how to capture the heart of the man you want, I’m fairly sure I’m the person to ask!
P then suggests that what Charlotte has written doesn’t quite blend with her message. She then gives Charlotte quite the lecture about why the book is called Switch The Bitch, gets a bit emo when she starts talking about herself and then announces, “You do your book and I do my book because we don’t want each other holding one another back.”
Charlotte, if you’re reading this, I think it’s safe to say that you just got bitch switched!
P then tells Charlotte, “I’m so excited about my book and I know it will be a best seller” while Charlotte tries not to cry smiles and nods politely. P goes onto to say that she’s planning on getting the book printed in Chinese because “there are a lot of crazy Chinese bitches out there!” Okay then.
So now we’re at Chadstone Shopping Centre, waiting for the fashion show to start. Janet and Jackie are already there, sipping on champers in front of a closed David Jones store. Gamble arrives and tells us she’s “filthy” which is Aussie slang for ‘really really really pissed off.” Love, I’d be filthy too if I went to the trouble of frocking up to head to my local Westfield and the shops weren’t even open!
But no, that’s not what Gamble’s filthy about. She tells Janet and Jackie that “I walked into a trap. A vicious trap.” Janet blames Chyka for mentioning the whole sex party thing, while Gamble tells us, “Look, I know the names of the people who started these rumours. They’re called Janet, Janet, Janet and Janet.”
Jackie tries to act as a peacemaker but Gamble tells Jackie, “She called me a pole dancer!”
Janet replies with a shocked, “I did not! I said you were a stripper.” (Janet, if you’re reading this, that wasn’t exactly the best come back)
The two housewives go at it for a bit before Gamble pulls out the trump card with this little chestnut:
“Why don’t I tell you about the heroin addict who told me that you f*&k for heroin. Don’t f*&k with me, darling. I’ve done my research on you.”
Gamble then tells US, “I’ve got a hot head. I don’t always think about what I’m about to say. I was so angry by what Janet said to me, I thought I’d make up something to make her feel as bas as I felt” So clearly she is f*&king nuts quite good at handling any mild anger and grudge issues she might have.
Gina then arrives, Gamble fills her in on what’s just happened, the fashion show finally starts, the fashion show ends, there’s more arguing but don’t worry, cos all the gals were sipping on champagne while calling each other names, so it was totes classy. Janet apologises, Gamble refuses to accept her apology (“you can keep your bullshit to yourself” which, just quietly, I wouldn’t mind getting printed on a t-shirt), Janet leaves and Gamble tells Gina she needs a lawyer.
Meanwhile Lyds has been asked by cricket legend and my husband’s hero (sad but true), Shane Warne, to become an ambassador for the Shane Warne foundation. He’s holding a fund-raising poker night and needs to teach Lyds how to play.
Lyds tells us, “I’ve played poker with the children every now and then but it’s probably more UNO that I’ve played with them.” Yeah, it probably is, but I get where she’s coming from. I mean I get those two card games confused ALL THE TIME!
So then we watch Tony, Joe and Shane flirt with Lyds teach Lyds how to play poker for, oh I don’t know, 5 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, before Lyds tells the boys that she’s dying to shove all her chips in the middle. The boys tell her, “You can do that in a minute. You need cards first” so obviously the lesson went really well!
We then head to Gamble’s house, where she’s having a D&M with the lovely Rick about the sex party gossip. Rick tells Gamble that blowing up at the ladies won’t help things (sensible man) while Gamble is “really surprised” she’s been invited to Janet’s golf game because she didn’t think Janet “would want me anywhere near her car and her gold clubs!”
Chessie, Chyka’s daughter, is then introduced to us during a scene that involves quite the look inside Chyka’s wardrobe. Last year Chyka moved her son out of his bedroom and turned that room into a wardrobe for herself. She’s since had to put a lock on the door of the wardrobe room, to stop her daughter using it as a personal shop. I’m not really sure what the point of that scene was meant to be, put I am concerned that Chyka’s son has nowhere to sleep.
Janet then meets her friend, Manuela, for lunch. We sit through yet another re-hashing of the Gamble Gossip before Janet tells Manuela, “She told me she does Pilates twice a day. Who the f*&k has time to do Pilates twice a day?!” I hear you sister! I barely have time to do Pilates twice a YEAR, let alone twice a day!!
In the final scene of the episode, Gamble and Gina meet for dinner. Gambles orders “the carrots” because “I’m only allowed one meal today” before launching into another bloody re-hash of the Gamble Goss because Gina is “trying to collect the facts so that I can, hopefully, assist in resolving it.”
Gina listens to Gamble spill the beans (yet again) about the goss, asks questions and decides that Janet is jealous before offering to talk to her on Gamble’s behalf.
And if the sneak peek of next week’s episode is anything to go by, I think it’s safe to say that it’s a chat that doesn’t exactly go well!
What did you think of this week’s episode? Are you over the Gamble Gossip? Wondering how Charlotte is going with the whole word counting thing? Or googling local Pilates classes? Tell me everything!
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