Remember how last week Lyds told us that the Real Housewives of Melbourne were dining on the Seventy Oneth floor of a swanky hotel in Manila? (click here for that post!)
Well this week’s Real Housewives of Melbourne recap starts with the gals still at that dinner.
It begins calmly enough, with Lyds announcing she’s of to meet her housekeeper’s parents the next day. She’s got a bag of coffee for them (thoughtful) and tells everyone that she met her housekeeper while out jogging (totally normal).
Gina spends most of this convo cracking all sorts of snide comments (not unlike the ones I’m making in brackets throughout this post), which starts to infuriate Jackie (soz Jacks)
Pettifleur gets in on the action by telling that gals that she’s enriched her bitch so nasty things like Gina’s comments don’t bother her anymore (good to know). Gina fires right up at Pettifleur and Pettifleur gives as good as she gets, calling Gina ‘Ned Kelly’ because “she’s got a mask on all the time.” (For those not in the know, Ned Kelly was an infamous Australian bushranger who caused all sorts of havoc back in the 1880’s and wore a metal mask while doing so. Thank you for attending today’s Australian History Lesson!)
Gina tells us that Pettifleur’s “actually locking horns with me. If I locked horns with her she’d be gauged from one end of her body to the other because my horns are about 7,000 times bigger than hers.”
Gamble leaps to Gina’s defense and that’s when things REALLY heat up!
You see Jackie’s been watching all of this nonsense convo go down and is super pissed off. She steps in and tells the gals that during a recent interview on some morning tv show Gina called Rick (Gamble’s partner) “a lunatic and wanted to throw Gamble under a bus.” Not literally of course, because that would be weird. And a crime. Here in Australia, throwing someone under a bus means sacrificing that friendship for your own personal gain (or at least that’s how google described it. I say it means being quite the nasty piece of work and backstabbing someone to make yourself look good. It’s not the nicest of qualities to possess.)
Janet confirms this accusation by telling us, “the 3 of us did a morning show together and Gina said to Jackie and I, let’s throw the newbies under the bus.” (OOOOOHHHH AAAAAAHHHH #naughtygina)
Gina tells Jackie to “F&*K OFF” and the F Bombs and middle fingers start FLYING!
Stay Classy Melbourne!
Gina tells us, “I think Jackie’s trying to convince Gamble that I’m not her friend but what the f*&k does Jackie know?”
Gina denies everything and tells Jackie, “I reckon your demons possess you” which is a bit of a flash back to Season One. She then continues with clangers like, “You are hysterical” “What The F*&K” and “Just get that spirit off you. Tell it to f*&k off.”
Jackie responds with, “You are the biggest lying piece of shit I’ve ever seen in my life” which probably didn’t help things.
Gamble then tells everyone that she trusts Gina and Jackie drops a bombshell when she tells everyone that Gina knew all about Gamble’s rumours and background information before anybody else did AND NEVER SAID A WORD.
Gina denies this accusation, Chyka “was floored” and I was reaching for more popcorn and wine.
Jackie tells Gina “you need a f*&king good root” (that’s a charming Australian way of saying you could do with a bit of time in bed with someone you love/have just met/whatevs. It’s a judgement free zone around these parts!)
Gina then randomly apologizes to Pettifleur and announces, “I’m not talking anymore. I’ve had enough.”
Janet suggests its party time but surprisingly nobody is really up for it.
Chyka tries to end things on a positive note but we don’t actually hear what that positive note it as the scene dinner ends right there with an ad break.
I’ll have a chai latte with a vodka chaser thanks
Suddenly it’s the next day and we watch Janet and Chyka head off to meet the tea master. They chat about teas for far too long a while, whip up some chai tea together and tell each other how lovely it was to meet. Excuse me while I fall asleep.
Has anybody seen my crown?
Meanwhile, Lydia and Gamble meet in their Miss Universe frocks the hotel bar for a drink. They discuss the dinner and Lyds thinks it’s “absolutely gorgeous” that Gina and Gamble have become so close but then tells us, “What’s with that?” Personally I was waiting for her to tell us they had a delightful evening at the bar on the ONETH FLOOR, but sadly that never happened.
Pettifleur and Jackie are also having their own little chat about the dinner but there’s not really much to recap there so let’s head back to the Miss Universe Pageant the bar.
Lydia tells Gamble that “because Jackie’s psychic she actually gets things” while Gamble tells Lydia she’s “a devout Darwinist” which leaves Lydia looking exactly like this:
UM….
Right, so next up we’re off to watch Lydia meet her housekeeper’s parents.
They seem like lovely people and just quietly, I think they might have been waiting for their daughter, Joanna, to appear but instead they got the pleasure of listening to Lydia tell them things like “She’s my daughter” and “she looks after me really well” so that was nice and not once did I cringe with embarrassment for anyone in that scene.
The Housekeeper’s mum tells Lydia, “I’m so proud of you for taking care of my daughter” and Lydia tells us, “Obviously Joanna speaks very highly of me.”
Lydia gives the parents the note from their daughter and then presents them with a photo frame while telling them, “You can put a photo of Joanna and I in it.”
Lydia then meets Joanna’s nephew who is as cute as a button and is clutching a magazine. Lydia spies that mag and declares, “My goodness! You’re already reading The National Geography.” While I found myself eye rolling out loud while yelling at my screen “IT’S THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC LYDIA. THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC.”
Ok, so next up we’re at a bar with Gamble and Pettifleur. Pettifleur’s wearing a white jumpsuit complete with a crystal headpiece because she’s “all about understated sophistication and elegance.” Pettifleur and Gamble politely discuss things like P’s headpiece (“I have a friend who makes them”) and G’s frock (“I ordered it online”)
P then goes in hard with the interrogation asking why G called her Nouveau Riche (4,298 episodes ago. Say what you will about the Real Housewives of Melbourne, but they are nothing if not gifted when it comes to holding a grudge!)
Gamble replies with “Look at you! You’re always bling, bling, bling!” to which P replies, “That’s not true!” UM….
Gamble’s totally over it (I hear you sister!) but P’s not letting it go (FFS) and calls Gamble “Carnival Clown Barbie” before asking her, “tell me, how do you get all this free reign of spending? Do you get an allowance or something?”
Gamble insists that’s none of P’s business and leaves the bar.
Meanwhile, the other gals arrive with Janet telling us, “As soon as I see Pettifleur I think she’s going for Whitney in The Bodyguard and she’s pulled it off fabulously!”
The Gals ask where Gamble is, with Lydia suggesting “Maybe she didn’t like what you were wearing?”
P fills everyone in on her little run in with Gamble and Chyka thinks P’s overstepped the mark.
Gina then rocks up with Gamble in tow and tells us, “I walked into the bar…and suddenly there’s Grace Jones!”
Gamble confronts Grace/Whitney Pettifleur and tells her, “You’re going into a zone that upsets me because of DEAFS in my family.”
Long story short, P apologizes, nobody asks what G meant by DEAFS and Chyka suggests they “lighten the mood” by announcing that Gamble’s hen’s night is going to be a James Bond Girl theme.
This pleases Pettifleur no end as she yells, “I’ve already got into my James Bond Girl Outfit!” so clearly she’s not entirely sure of the dress code excited.
There’s then quite an intense convo about a fat sucking machine that they’ve all tried (wonder where you’d get one of those? Asking for a friend, obvs) before Janet asks Pettifleur if she’s still going to get a Bentley for her birthday.
P tells the gals the Bentley she wants is a custom order so it would be a brand new car and she “doesn’t want to drive out of the dealership and loose $200,000” Lyds chimes in with, “Oh come one, we’ve all done that at some point” and honestly, I’d have to agree with her. I mean when I drive around in my Mazda I quite often think the very same thing, don’t you?!
The next day the gals head off to some fancy pants spa which is followed by yet another dinner.
During the dinner Gina announces she’s launching a shoe range (“they’re all rhinestones”), Gamble announces she’s a bit of a crap business woman (“My business isn’t making any money”) and Pettifleur tries to flog her book once more.
Gamble asks everyone what Carnival Clown Barbie means and Pettifleur answers by giving a weird impersonation of one of those clowns you shove ping pong balls in at your local fair/show. Pettifluer’s trying to be offensive but Gamble shoots back with, “Oh is that all? I’ve had plenty of balls in my mouth!” and on that superbly classy note, Episode 8 is over!
#NOTGAMBLE
So what did we all think of that? Personally it’s got me asking all sorts of questions like, Have you lost $200,000 driving out of a car yard? Do clowns freak you out? Will you be buying a pair of Gina’s shoes? And finally, where can I get one of those fat sucking machines?!
Thank you to Arena TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne to recap each week.
Leave a Reply