Welcome to this week’s Real Housewives of Melbourne recap. If you missed the recap of Episode One, you can read it right here: Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap, Episode One, The Shane Warne Special
Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap, Season Three, Episode Two
Things kick off at Jackie and Ben’s house, where they’re enjoying a drink and a fancy cheese platter with Jackie’s mum.
She’s still putting the pressure on them to have a baby, “Youse have been married five years….that’s a lot of practice. It’s about time you got into business.”
Jackie’s not happy about being under so much pressure and admits to being scared about having a child. She chats to her mum and the camera for a bit about this and things get a bit emotional when she asks her Mum, “What happens if I turned around and said we’ve decided we don’t want children?”
I know Jackie’s the psychic of the show, but I think it’s probably appropriate for me to be the psychic of this blog. So I’m going to predict that there will be a pregnancy announcement made by the end of Season Two. Or at the very least a food baby, given the amount of cheese platters that are about to be consumed in the next 58 minutes!
Lyds and Figs
Meanwhile Lyds and Figs the dog are STILL plebbing it in the Suzuki Swift with Housekeeper Johanna. But please don’t panic because they’re on their way to the Porsche dealership so that Lyds can choose her new car. THANK F*&K FOR THAT. We can all sleep well tonight knowing that poor old Lyds is no longer carless!
Lyds is going to miss her drives with Johanna because it gives her a chance to chat with her. Lyds tells us that Johanna “knows that she’s not allowed to leave me. I’ve got her passport anyway” so that must be lovely for Johanna, to feel so safe and secure.
Lyds ditches Johanna at the Porsche dealership and meets her husband, Andrew, there. Figs is also there because Lyds “wants Figs to see the Porsche first” #obvs
Lyds gives us a quick semi-sexual run down on what she likes about Porches, using words like “fast, hard, foreplay and sexy” before choosing a Porsche and sending Andrew on his way.
There’s then an awkward scene minute or two, where Lyds asks the Porsche bloke if he has something sexy. He shows her a red convertible and Lyds looks a little disappointed but then he offers to take her for a test drive, “Are you free now?”
“What does that mean?” she asks before pausing and then asking “to take it for a drive?”
“Yeah, just a quickie.”
“Well ok” Lyds replies as she rests her arm on Porsche bloke’s shoulder, “But I know you’re married, um, Michael? Are you?”
“No” he answers just a little too quickly.
“Oh”
I’ll just leave that there while I go and recover from my epic eye roll with a FFS chaser.
Has anyone seen Gina?
Well yes, I have! She’s on her way to meet PF to give her some advice about what went on at Susie’s house last week.
As Gina puts it, “She went off like a cherry bomb” which FYI is totally my new saying #teamgina
Now before we go any further, I feel we need to discuss the fact that Gina and PF are meeting AT A PUB. Yes, you read that correctly. I mean it looks like a really nice pub, but it’s a pub. With people in it and everything!
And because I am VERY details orientated, I can confirm that PF ordered steamed fish and green vegetables for her counter meal while Gina ordered…wait for it…A BOWL OF HOT CHIPS (no sauce). I mean, really. Is there no end to her fabulousness?!
Anyway, PF’s pissed because she had a convo last week with Lyds about Gamble and Lyds told Gamble.
Lyds did the same thing to Gina in Season One (remember the whole Jackie Gina psychic saga? You can read it in this post: The Real Housewives of Melbourne Episode 2 Recap) so PF and Gina are bonding nicely over their mutual disgust for Lydia’s inability to keep her mouth shut.
Gina give PF a bit of advice, “Raise your argument not your voice” and together they decided to look out for each other from now on.
Meanwhile, back at Jackie and Ben’s place…
Janet’s called in for a bit of chat and cheese platter action.
Jackie greets Janet with “You’ve just stopped me from shagging from my husband!” before Janet tells us, “They have massive sexual chemistry. They have a very very healthy sex life going on there” which made me think two things.
First thing: Gross.
Second thing: How exactly does Janet know that?
The three of them sit down to not enjoy a couple of mocktails that Jackie provocatively whips up (“salt and orange juice do not go together!”)
Janet tells J&B that she’s meeting with her ex-husband, Brian, but not to get back together. At that very moment, Janet’s earring falls off and Jackie launches into full-blown psychic mode.
“The earring means you’re not listening to something! That’s a sign! It means he wants you back! He wants to shag you! He wants to be married to you! And that’s the end of the story.”
Slightly off topic, but not really, a couple of weekends ago I was at a 40th birthday party and I found a random earring on the floor when I was in the bathroom. It was a really pretty dangly earring, in the shape of a leaf and I thought whoever owned it might want it back. I only knew a few people at the party and didn’t want to walk around asking randoms if it belonged to them so I put it on the table were all the gifts were, thinking that would be the best place for a lost item to be found.
Now that I know an earring falling out means you’re not listening and someone wants you back, I feel like we need to find the owner of this earring ASAP! Is she single? Does she have an ex who wants her back? Or was she just hammered and couldn’t get her earring back in her ear so left it on the bathroom floor because meh, who can be bothered with earrings when you’re 47 champagnes in? If I ever find out, you’ll be the first to know!
But back to Janet and her ex-husband. Janet reveals that she was quite happily married to Brian…until she found his online dating account and receipts for strip clubs and Viagra. Then I’m assuming things went mildly pear-shaped.
Let’s go shopping!
Susie, Gamble and Chyka all meet up at my spiritual home – Pottery Barn – to buy Gamble a wedding present.
Chyka suggests a drinks tray and 30 seconds later Gamble decides it would make a lovely gift, thanks very much.
Chyka then suggests that “go off and have another drink” and they do. ON A COUCH. IN POTTERY BARN.
Um, excuse me, but since when has that been a thing? I mean I visit my local Pottery Barn store here in Brisbane on a VERY regular basis and not once have I ever been offered a glass of champagne!
I’ve even taken Guns into their store to show him a few things and look how well THAT went down…
Yes, that’s Guns in the background not looking at anything in Pottery Barn. Personally I think some sort of alcoholic beverage being offered to him, might have resulted in a bit more enthusiasm towards the furniture displays. Then again, he was playing a VERY intense round of Clash of Clans on his phone, so maybe not.
Back to the gals. They’re discussing the whole Lydia, PF drama with Gamble thinking Lyds “was being friendly towards me and letting me know what was going on” (cue eye rolling from Chyka) while Susie chimes in with “I don’t trust her because there’s always a motive.”
Then Lyds arrives and Gamble tells us, “Lydia’s arrived and Susie’s just finished telling me I can’t trust her. Very, very awkward.”
But not as awkward as watching Chyka and Susie get into one of the Pottery Barn display beds to discuss the thread count of the sheets while sipping on a champagne.
Meanwhile, Gamble and Lyds are in the soft furnishings section, which happens to be one of my favourite areas of the store and I am starting to wonder why I am stuck in my office writing these recaps while they’re at Pottery Barn, sucking back champagnes and not even looking at the cushions?!
Gamble talks to Lyds about the convo she just had with Susie and things get very tense when Chyka and Susie get out of the display bed and all four housewives meet up in the linen section.
I mean for a start, Chyka doesn’t have a champagne glass in her hand, so obviously Pottery Barn have cut her off #awkies and Lyds is on a bit of a rampage regarding Susie’s antics, telling us “She’s such a two face.”
So Susie’s got a problem with Lyds, Lydia’s wondering “why you think I’m trying to get close to Gamble to get to Gina?” and I’ve got my eye on the white duvet set behind them.
Susie accuses Lydia of being a bit of a user and Lyds denies this, telling us “Susie doesn’t even come into my mind. Do I think about her? No, I don’t” #friendshipgoals
The whole Shane Warne affair thing from last week is raised, as are voices, and really the only thing that has been made clear is the reason why Pottery Barn doesn’t usually serve booze in its stores!
Say hi to Brian!
Janet’s at lunch with her ex, Brian. Brian wants to have a little chat with Janet about the difference between perception and truth.
You see Brian’s perception of when they parted company is different to Janet’s and like most men who cheat, he would like her to come around to his way of thinking. You know, so he can tell himself his conscience is clear and he did nothing wrong. Except Janet is all sorts of awesome and isn’t taking any of Brian’s nonsense.
Janet has their official separation date written in her diary as January 4, yet Brian believes they separated several months earlier in September.
Janet tells us, “Brian would be the perfect man if he wasn’t a cheating piece of shit.” #gojanet
Giddy Up Girlfriend!
A few days later, Chyks, Janet, Jackie, PF and Susie are off on a horse riding adventure.
Lydia couldn’t go because she is now a blogger!
What the blog?!
That’s right. Lyds has a blog. She tells us, “Blogging is so hard! It’s a full-time job! Hair and makeup. Photographers. All the jewels. It’s so full on! And then I’ve got to write everything!”
Well yes, writing does help when you are a blogger. And look at that set up would you? What blogger doesn’t have a team of 4-5 people on hand to do their outfit photos for them each day?
Personally I don’t bother, because I just find it easier to set up a tripod out on the back deck with the self timer on my phone and then take 475 photos while the wind blows my hair in all directions than to be in the air-conditioned comfort of a mansion with my own photographer, hair and makeup team, stylist, person to hold a reflective thingy and someone to push the mouse on the lap top, but each to their own!
Back at the ranch…
The horse riding has finished and the girls are tucking into wine and yet another cheese platter.
Turns out Lyds actually wasn’t invited to the horse riding thing and PF hasn’t spoken to her since the bake and bitch afternoon at Susie’s last week.
Susie tells the gals that back in the day Lyds spread rumours about Susie having affairs during her first marriage and that’s where her issue with Lyds has come from.
Jackie finishes Episode Two by telling the gals that Lydia “has spoken about each and every one of you ladies. The shit she has said behind your back, you would be in absolute shock horror.”
So that has set things up nicely for next week, hasn’t it?!
Have you ever had a champagne while shopping at Pottery Barn? Ever ridden a horse? Been to the pub with Gina? Tell me all the things!
Huge thanks to Arena TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Season Three + promotional photographs each week.
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