Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap, Episode 10
Well we’re still in the twilight zone Dubai and things kick off with PF checking on Lydia to make sure she’s ok.
You might recall that Lyds coped a bit of flack from Jackie and Chyka last week for saying outrageous things that can ruin families (Jackie’s words, not mine – get the full story here: RECAP: Real Housewives of Melbourne, Desert Storm)
Turns out Lyds isn’t ok, mainly because she doesn’t have a clue what Jackie and Chyka were talking about when they accused her of spreading rumours that can ruin families. Which, to be fair, is probably the truth because anyone who thinks they’re currently holidaying in the United States of Emirates and wonders why Toorak isn’t a country probably…actually cancel that thought.
I think what’s needed here is a Geography lesson with a common sense chaser. If only my favourite teacher, Mrs Baker, read this blog. She taught me Geography in Year 11 and 12 and was all sorts of wonderful. I bet she would know how to dig an escape tunnel for Johanna how to teach Lyds where places are on a map!
But back to Lyds, PF and the bottle of Veuve they’re about to crack. Lyds STILL doesn’t know what the rumours are and tells us, “Perhaps I’ve spoken about the girls. Uuummmm, but I don’t think that’s gossip. Surely you can speak about the girls? What’s wrong with that?” Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with that at all Lyds. If being alone and friendless is your thing.
She then launches into quite the spray about Jackie and tells PF that everything that happened last night is all Jackie’s fault, “It’s her fault, not mine!” which personally I felt was missing a foot stomp, but maybe that’s just me?
Lyds is also “really upset that Chyka is hurting about something” and has no idea what it is. Lyds wants to get to the bottom of whatever it is, so THAT should go down well.
PF’s 4.5 minutes of being a compassionate person are up and she announces she’s going on Chyka’s shopping tour later that day. Lyds is going too because “I’m not going to miss out on shopping!”
PF gives Lyds a pep talk, “Don’t let the bitches push you out, right?” and promises to back Lyds up. Lyds is grateful for PF’s support and is “sick of being picked on.”
Let’s get our bling on
Chyka’s organised for the girls to do a bit of jewellery shopping in the $35,000 a night bridge suite of the Atlantis, where they’re all staying. As you do.
Everyone arrives and it is AWKWARD CENTRAL when Chyka and Lyds rock up wearing THE SAME kaftan. Both are styled differently, but the print is identical. Chyka gives Lyds SUPERIOR side eye and for the first time all series, Lyds gets something right!
“It was pretty intense. I almost felt like she didn’t want me there.”
Well done Lyds. YOU ARE CORRECT. CHYKA DID NOT WANT YOU THERE.
The housewives all try on millions of dollars worth of diamond jewellery (“that’ll be my next engagement ring!”) and after a while Lyds tries to have a chat with Chyka about what went down at dinner the night before.
Chyka brushes Lyds, telling her “I don’t want to talk about it tonight. You’ve really hurt me. You know what you’ve done. We’ll talk about it but I don’t want to ruin this night…We’ll talk about it when we get home.”
Meanwhile, PF’s on a shit stirring mission as she takes it upon herself to ask Jackie “do you feel responsible about bringing it (the Lyds rumour thing) up?”
Jackie fires straight back at PF (“This had nothing to do with me. I don’t go and gossip to other people”) and Lyds decides now would be an appropriate time to join the three of them on the couch. Lyds leans in and politely tells Jackie, “You’re the one that started this. Let’s not forget this.”
Jackie and Chyka share an awkward look, which if you kind of imagine someone’s face when they say WTF and WTAF and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME and ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? and GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE NOW and join ALL of those faces together, that kind of comes close to how awkward the look was between Jackie and Chyka.
Jackie and Chyka leave the couch, Lyds follows, taunting Jackie as she goes.
This nonsense continues for a few minutes before Chyka steps in announces, “Girls, we are here on our last night in Dubai. I want to have a really fun night. We are not dragging up stuff from last night. Let’s move forward. I’ve said my thing to Lydia. We will discuss it at another time. It is not open fodder to talk about. Let’s just have fun and I mean that. Hand on heart” proving once again that class trumps nasty every.single.time.
And we’re back in Melbourne!
The girls are back on home soil so naturally Janet needs to catch up with Brian. Even though they’ve been separated for a few years, thanks to Brian enjoying happy endings with people other than Janet, they’re not divorced.
Brian would like to come home. Janet misses her old life but she’s concerned if they go back for Round Two and it ends in disaster again, it would destroy their kids and their extended family and friends all over again.
So they decide to give the whole getting back together thing a miss.
Meanwhile Jackie and Ben are at a fertility clinic to have a chat with a doc.
Jackie’s 35 and is a bit worried about the whole biological clock thing. She’s spoken to her angels and they’ve said she’ll be fine but “what if the doctor turns around and says, Jackie your eggs aren’t that good?”
I’m no expert but I’d say it’s probably time to find a new set of angels? Or eggs? I don’t know. Either way, it feels wrong writing both of those things and I was about to apologise but then I was forced to watch two minutes of Jackie and Ben giving the doc what can only be described as an in-depth description about Jackie’s periods, so I think we’re even.
Lunch with Lyds
Lyds meets Janet for lunch to discuss the Dubai dinner drama and Janet’s not buying Lydia’s bullshit, “If you think denying this and saying I’ve said nothing is going to cut it Lyds, it is not. You’re going to have to fess up. You’re going to have to own it.”
Lydia’s game face is strong and she tells Janet she’s got nothing to fess up to.
Gina joins them and reinforces what Janet has told Lyds. Lyds insists she doesn’t know what she said to upset Chyka. Gina calls bullshit, telling Lyds, “Well you told me!”
Lyds accuses the girls of ganging up on her and walks out.
Gina sums things up perfectly when she tells Janet, “It’s very difficult when people get defensive because they feel attacked so they put walls up. But karma’s a bitch Lydia and she knows where you live.”
What’s happening with Jackie’s eggs?
Well the good news is they’re not scrambled. Hooray!
After a tense 2 minute wait at the fertility clinic, where Jackie and Ben decide if the news is good they’ll stop “not trying” for a baby in the next six months, the doc tells Jackie that she has the eggs of a 20 year old.
Ben’s “a bit f*&king nervous” about the quality of his swimmers because he really wants his to be “like Phelpsy’s. You know, going for gold.”
The doc confirms that Ben’s swimmers are indeed of Olympic gold medal standard. Ben fist pumps the air like he is standing on that podium in his Team USA speedos, while shouting “Oh yeah! Full of Phelps!” before asking the doc, “Would you say I’ve got a sack full of Phelps?”
Which to be honest I found a bit offensive given that we’re Australian, but I’m fairly sure none of the members of the Aussie Olympic swim team are reading these recaps so I think we’re in the clear.
Oh look! We’re at Lydia’s house
and she is “sick of hearing all of this negative stuff about Dubai.” She’s got far more important things to do, like spending time with Figarrrrrrrrroooooo and watching her housekeeper, Johanna work.
Lyds loves having Johanna around and “thinks it’s really good for her. In fact, when Johanna says goodbye after an 8 hour day I look at her and think why are you going? like, stay longer!” Yes, Johanna, why ARE you leaving work after an 8 hour day? Is it to go home to your actual family or something? Because that is just weird.
Lydia’s mum and brother come over (“my relationship with my brother, John, it’s really real”) to watch Johanna put an antipasto platter together while they sip on champers and to listen to Lyds tell them how they will be celebrating their Mum’s 69th birthday. Say what you will about Lyds and her family but they are EXCELLENT multi taskers!
Let’s visit Gina
Gina’s got a name dropping intuitive life coach (NDILC) visiting her (not sure what to be when you grow up kids? There’s a job for you!) and she’s VERY busy telling Gina all sorts of bullshit about Lionel Ritchie.
Seriously, this bird drops the name ‘Lionel’ so many times in the 3 minutes she was on the show that if we all had to take shot every time she said his name, we’d be drunker than the time I did a vodka juice cleanse in Vegas! (You can read that story right here: What Happens In Vegas)
Gina says she’s “not in the calibre of Lionel Ritchie” but the NDILC insists that she will be, so that’s exciting! I don’t know about you but I had NO IDEA Gina could sing and can’t wait for Gina’s album to be released!!*
*I’m being sarcastic. There’s no album. Yet.
Glasshouse is open for business!
Chyka’s new venue, Glasshouse, is open for business and to celebrate she’s invited her Top 500 clients to a fancy dinner. Which reminds me that I really must have a chat to my delivery bloke, because like Dubai, it looks like my invite was lost in the mail AGAIN.
The housewives are all invited and arrive together in a limo. Lyds tells us she’s “a little nervous” about seeing Chyka and that she “hasn’t had a chance to speak to Chyka” since Dubai.
Once at the venue, Lydia’s story changes and she tells the girls, “Chyka and I have actually spoken, text, and we’re not going to discuss it tonight.” Gamble asks what did they text about? And Lyds replies with, “Well it’s between us. She doesn’t really want to say and I don’t want to fuel it.”
Janet swoops in with, “Uh is that true? I spoke with Chyka today and she said she hasn’t spoken with you. Is that true?”
Lyds trots out her line of, “I’m not going to discuss it” and tells us, “Do I have to explain myself again? If so, I’m going to make something else up!”
Lyds tells Janet she’s sorted things out with Chyka and Jackie accuses Lyds of being a liar. PF tells the girls to “leave her alone” and once again tries to pin the whole thing on Jackie (“It was you who bought it up!”)
Susie fires up at PF, PF fires up at Susie. Gina joins in and what’s Lyds doing? She’s standing back and smiling. Oh and reapplying her lip gloss. Because girl has gotta look good when the bait has been taken!
Chyka arrives, Jackie pulls her aside for a quick ‘have you spoken to Lydia?’ confirmation chat (FYI Chyka has not spoken to Lydia), Lydia looks like she is about to shit herself and would you look at that? Dinner is served.
Please take a seat
PF wastes no time blasting Lyds for not saying anything when she stood up for Lyds earlier, “I put my soul out for you! I went in knowing that I was going to get smashed by the girls” and now she’s questioning her friendship with Lyds.
Lyds isn’t buying it and tells PF to “Shut up! Shut Up! You’re an idiot! I’m sick of you! You’re an idiot! A F*&king idiot! Fuck off!”
PF leaves the table in tears and all the other girls are gob smacked by what just went down at the table.
And that’s where Episode 10 of The Real Housewives Of Melbourne ends. I’ll see you back here next week for the FINAL EPISODE of Season 3!
Thank you to ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne + media images each week. It’s much appreciated!
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