And just like that we find ourselves watching The Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 2 Finale. I KNOW. Time flies when you’re having fun!
The Season 2 Finale episode kicks off with Gamble hosting her “dream event. Dog races for pets.”
Pettifleur doesn’t have a dog (“It will not stop me beating these bitches”), Lydia’s keen for Figaro to win (“He’s not a racer but he sure does have than Italian Ferrari speed in him”), Janet’s dogs “aren’t actually aware they’re dogs. They think they’re people, so when it comes to sitting at the table of course they wouldn’t sit on the ground” and Chyka’s dog, Milo, snores.
After each of the housewives strapped a faux jockey to their dog’s back and the theme music from Chariots of Fire was playing, the dogs were off!
Dog Races For Pets. It’s totally a thing.
Gamble’s dog, Cash, took out first place while Pettifleur’s borrowed dog came last despite P attempting to lure the poor thing to the finish line with a human protein bar.
Still not the Seventy Oneth Floor
After the dog race for pets was over, Chyka dropped round to P’s house to help plan P’s 50th birthday bash.
There’s no budget, a winter wonderland theme and a request for a spiral staircase birthday cake. P warns Chyka, “It’s ver hard to please this bitch” which was a lovely way of putting things.
Next up we’re off to Lydia’s house, which she would like you all to know is “newly renovated.” If you could pop those two words into every sentence that involves Lydia’s house, that would be great. Thanks.
Lydia’s whipped up quite the gourmet feast for the housewives, which makes me wonder if there’s some sort of Nigella style cookbook deal in the works. Just quietly, I’ll be well and truly pinged off if someone who thinks they’re dining on the SEVENTY ONETH FLOOR lands a book deal before I do!
Meanwhile, at the dinner table, Janet’s giving the housewives quite the in-depth run down on how Viagra works while a celebrity chef presents everyone with a cigar themed dessert.
Werk it Pettifleur!
We then head over to Pettifleur’s house to watch the birthday set up. P’s “freaking out” because “it’s not wonderland” and there’s quite the lengthy carry on about a rug being cream and not white, so that was tense. And quite possibly a little bit ridiculous.
We then find ourselves at Chyka’s house where she’s watching her chef whip up a week’s worth of meals (sensible approach) Pettifleur interrupts this family time with a phone call re: her pressing birthday party set up concerns (“The carpet is not white, it’s like a cream” “I’m still seeing floral” “I’m worried we’re not going to get the impact of wow”)
Chyka insists that “the snow and the white mist” will make it look wow, which was a relief, but then Pettifleur tells us, “I’m worried this party’s going to turn to shit. And shit is brown not white like a Winter Wonderland” which made me laugh and feel a little bit queazy all at the same time.
Meanwhile across town Janet’s calling into her friend’s house for a chat about Janet’s love life and those never ending Gamble rumours. Janet’s pal, Manuella, is super pissed off because she didn’t get invited to Gamble’s hen’s night, so clearly she’s 12 setting something up for the next scene. Apparently it all had something to do with the fact that Manuella is somehow involved in spreading the rumours that Gamble was a stripper/at a sex party/who cares but everybody relax because Manuella’s going to get to the bottom of this at Pettifleur’s party. Excellent!
Right, so finally it’s Pettifleur’s 50th Birthday Party. You’ll be pleased to know that she LOVES the entrance, which Gamble cleverly described as “an ejaculating forest.”
Lydia gives us her very insightful thoughts about Pettifleur turning 50, telling us, “She’s half one hundred. It’s a long, long, time.”
There’s a bit of fun in a photo booth
and then it’s Game On as Manuella confronts Gamble:
“I heard you think I’m a bit aggressive?”
“Um. No. Yes. I find you a bit scary”
On a random side note, see that bird in the middle who I referred to as Random Lisa back in the episode when all the housewives were in Sydney? Turns out she’s not random at all. She’s Lisa T who designs all sorts of gorgeous homewares for Target here in Australia!
Manuella is obviously gagging for a permanent role on The Real Housewives of Melbourne as she then launches into quite the spiel about how Janet “didn’t make up that rumour” which Gamble cleverly replies with, “Don’t you people have a f*&king life? All you bitches can do is carry on with a bunch of shit about me so F*&K YOU. Get laid. Why don’t you get f*&king laid?”
There was then a bit more arguing, which ended when Gamble trotted out the C word. And no it wasn’t Charming. Or Clever. Or Cool.
Janet then joins in and tells Gamble, “Just for once f*&king shut up and listen” which left Chyka horrified and Gamble feeling “a bit hot and a bit confronted.”
Once that scene drama is over, Pettifleur decides it’s time “to give all the bitches something to look at” Is it just me, or are we all a bit sick of hearing the word ‘bitches’ being used to describe each other? Honestly, I know I’m old, but I’m not as old as they all are and I just don’t get it!
Anyway, Pettifleur put on quite the show for her guests, by dancing to a song called ‘Pettifleur.’
Jackie described the dance as “very couture” and then P’s son launched into a piano solo of the same song while P stood next to the piano and swayed seductively to the music. It was all a bit awkward and gave Chyka a mad case of the giggles. Personally it made me want to reach for the nearest bottle of vodka….which just so happened to be sitting on my desk, so that was handy.
Once the show was over, the housewives launched into yet another argument. This time Gamble confronted Gina about those rumours (again!) and Jackie felt it was appropriate to chime in with her thoughts on it all. Gamble accused Jackie of having “blurred lines of reality” and suggested her psychic vibes weren’t telling the truth. Gina then told Jackie “you’ve got the dilated pupils going on. I’m out” and walked out.
Jackie tried to follow her but Gina wouldn’t open the door she was standing behind. Gina tells us, “I don’t want to go to a party and have an argument with some random bogan woman.”
Pettifleur sees what’s going on and starts “freaking out.” Jackie leaves the party and is closely followed by Janet. Gina then decides to leave because she’s “embarrassed to be amongst this group of women.”
Gamble also leaves because “Gina’s got my back and I’ve got hers” (um…) which just leaves Lydia and Chyka at the party #awkward
Pettifleur says, “I feel like I’ve been stepped on. Screw those bitches. We’re going to party!”
while Lydia finishes The Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 2 Finale with these wise words:
“We’ve had a lot of fights…but time heals all WOMBS.”
For gods sake, somebody get this woman a dictionary with a thesaurus chaser ASAP. Lydia, if you’re reading this, it’s WOUNDS. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. Time does not heal wombs. Doctors do.
And that, my Real Housewife loving friends, is where Season 2 ends.
Will you be watching the reunion show next week? Or doing something else with your Sunday nights?
Huge thanks to Arena TV for supplying me with advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne to recap each week. It’s been a lot of fun!
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