Aaaaannnnd we’re back! Yep, the Real Housewives of Melbourne have hit our screens for a third season and my Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap efforts are returning to join the drama filled action too.
Let’s get into it shall we?!
The Real Housewives of Melbourne from left to right are: Lydia (Lyds), Chyka (Chyks), Pettifleur (PF), Jackie, Janet, Susie (Newbie Susie), Gamble and Gina.
Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap
Book Club, where no actual books are discussed
Season Three, Episode One kicks off at Chyka’s house, or more specifically her wardrobe, which is about the size of my lounge room. Her husband Bruce is sitting in a very comfortable looking chair, helping Chyka decide which necklace she should wear. She has several to choose from. And by several I mean she basically could be the owner/operator of every jewellery store on Etsy based on how many gorgeous necklaces are in her possession.
Anyway, Bruce and Chyks are just back from an 8 week holiday in Europe (I mean, hello! Who isn’t?) and Chyka is about to host a Book Club at her house.
Jackie and Janet rock up to Chyka’s house for the Book Club. Two of Chyka’s other friends are already there. Chyka cracks a bottle of bubbly and suddenly I’m a bit interested in attending a Book Club.
There’s a knock at the door and it’s Newbie Susie. Her first husband is really good friends with Chyka’s husband so that wouldn’t be awkward at all for husband number two, assuming there is one that’s how they know each other.
So we can get to know her better, Newbie Susie gives us a quick run down of her life:
Newbie Susie lives in Toorak. She likes to look good and if she wasn’t as active as she is, Newbie Susie thinks she would be huge.
Newbie Susie has two school aged boys, Monty and Rupert, and whenever she picks them up from school she gets called a MILF from across the school ground!
I don’t know about you, but that school sounds DELIGHTFUL.
Newbie Susie grew up in the country and is passionate about baking. She’s twice divorced and is currently single.
Shane Warne, “Incredible Cricket Legen*”
*not a typo
Meanwhile Pettifleur’s been spending some quality time with herself at a health retreat in Germany. She’s feeling fabulous and meets Lydia at a bar to catch up.
Lydia’s been to London for a bit of a holiday. I’ve been to Kmart for some faux marble side tables and pastel trays, in case you were wondering.
While Lyds was in London she caught up with Shane Warne. She’s an ambassador for his foundation and thinks “he’s an incredible cricket legen*. Incredible.”
*still not a typo. I don’t think Lyds knows there’s a D at the end of that word.
PF presses Lyds for more SW info, “did you get a dance in with Shane?” which I thought was quite an odd question, given that he plays cricket. I mean, where would they be dancing? So odd.
Lyds insisted there was no dancing going on and tells us, “Really, can Shane Warne be JUST friends with a girl?” before telling us, “John Howard was there too!”
I mean, I GET IT LYDS. Former Australian Prime Minister, John Howard AND Incredible Cricket Legen, Shane Warne are in the same room and only one of them has a borderline-confirmed friendship status with you?!
If that’s not on the next Cards Against Humanity expansion set (Australian version, obvs) as a question of some sort, you can go right ahead and stick a fork in me because I’M DONE!
#thestruggleisreal
Meanwhile back at Book Club…
Janet drops a bombshell when she tells the gals that “Shane Warne sent me a message and asked me to go out!”
Jackie, Janet and a slightly bored looking random
Cue Chyka’s draw dropping onto necklace #3792 before Janet went onto to say she declined his offer because she had an appearance that night.
But then Shane Warne, Incredible Cricket Legen, replied with, “Well you could come over to my house after that.” Which, if you’re under the age of say 29, is probably making you vomit a bit in your mouth because eeewwww, old people doing it.
But, if you’re 30 and over, you’re either thinking, “Go Janet!” or “How come Shane Warne, Incredible Cricket Legen never sends me a text like that?” (probs because you’re not on Tinder)
The gals decided that was most definitely a Shane Warne Booty Call and Janet reported that when she told Lyds about it, Lyds was “very, very, very unhappy.” Can you smell that? I think it’s the plot thickening….
But don’t worry, Newbie Susie is going to talk to Lydia about it, so I’m sure that will go really well and there will be no drama at all to report!
Back at the bar…
Lydia asks PF if she’s had any ‘work’ done. PF hasn’t (good to know) and then launches into an attack on Gamble. I’m not sure what the connection was meant to be there, but I once had an epic zit on my chin while at a casino, so I guess it makes sense.
PF tells us, “I’m angry with Gamble because of the ignorant accusations she made about my book.” (That all happened in Series Two, which you can catch up on right here.)
Apparently PF was served a legal letter based on accusations and “had to spend a tonne of money fighting it, not to mention the anxiety I was feeling.” But it’s all good because she’s got some MAJOR gossip on Gamble and “pay back’s a bitch.”
“Correct,” observes Lyds, “but two rights don’t make a right.”
“Two rights don’t make a wrong” corrects PF.
Cue puzzled looks from Lydia and eye rolls from me, followed by a two-minute montage of poor old Lyds trying to figure out what the correct saying actually is.
“Two rights at times don’t make it not necessarily right.”
“Two rights don’t necessarily mean it’s right”
“Two wrongs sometimes don’t make a right either”
DING DING DING, WE HAVE A F*&KING WINNER. Somebody, anybody please, for the love of god, pass me a wine and a book deal!
What’s Gamble Up To?
Well Gamble and Rick have moved into a fabulous new house. She’s busy planning their wedding although “it’s so out of my zone. I’m just writing cheques. We love each other but we’ll go in with a pre-nup”
And that was her 60 seconds of footage done and dusted. Quick scene’s a good scene!
Gina? What About You, Love?
Well Gina has become so busy in the last six months, she’s had to get herself a very young and completely inexperienced male PA.
She’s also got herself a shoe line, a handbag line and written a book.
Next up is a fragrance, which Gina tells us will “encapsulate the ultimate drag queen, the ultimate woman. Someone who’s fearless, some who loves beautiful, smells woody, smoky, warm, exotic and a little bit of hairspray.” She’s hoping it will be stocked at Chemist Warehouse, because they stock Kim Kardashian’s fragrances.
I think I want to be Gina when I grow up.
Back To You Gamble
Gamble’s wedding dress designer arrives with quite the mood board arrangement. Gamble asks important questions like, “Can you make the dress out of pearls?” and shows the designer her mood board.
Gamble’s gone with a Chinese Opera theme, featuring red and black. Judging by the twisted lips and wide eyes her designer was giving when listening to Gamble’s idea, he’s not too keen on this theme.
He not so gently reminds Gamble that it’s a beach wedding, so it looks like the samurai sword will have to go.
Meanwhile over at Lydia’s house there’s some weird convo happening involving Lydia, her husband Andrew, their dog Figarrrrrrrrroooooooo and Shane Warne. Shane Warne isn’t actually there but he’s there in spirit as Figs the dog is wearing cricket whites.
While that’s happening, Jackie and her husband Ben are having a coffee at a hipster cafe. We’re at the half way point of the episode, so Jackie basically gives Ben a run down on everything that has happened so far.
Really, she could’ve saved him some time and just shown him this recap.
Anyway, once that’s all done, Jackie then drops a clanger into the convo that she’s feeling a bit of pressure to have a baby. Only she’s not sure if she wants a baby. She’s 30 and hasn’t had a baby before and one day she wants one and the next day she doesn’t know. So it’s all really stressful and she just feels so pressured, you know.
Ben’s feeling horny but follows that romantic declaration of love up by grabbing his stomach and making a weird face, so I think maybe the milk in his vegan vodka soy chai tea latte might’ve been off?
Lyds Can’t Drive
There’s a bit of drama unfolding over at Lyd’s house as her housekeeper, Johanna is late because she was getting her car cleaned.
“Perfect timing!” yells Lyds, “I don’t have a car and I need a driver!”
Lydia tells us, “I’ve just sold my Porsche and Andrew is going to buy me a new one. Can you imagine ME in this HUGE CITY, CAR LESS?!”
Is it just me, or does that sound utterly horrific? I mean, can you even imagine how traumatic it must be having to be DRIVEN AROUND BY YOUR HOUSEKEEPER BECAUSE YOU SOLD YOUR PORSCHE. Personally, I couldn’t even face getting out of bed if something so catastrophic were to happen to me.
But not Lyds! She’s a problem solver and when she saw her housekeeper’s Suzuki Swift she told us, “When people see me in Johanna’s car, it will actually tell you what a snob I’m not.”
Speaking of cars, Chyka and Bruce then teach their daughter, Chessie, a bit of a lesson about lying. She was caught out driving Bruce’s car while they were away in Europe and blah blah blah, lesson was learned. (soz, it was a bit boring. Long story short, Bruce seems like a lovely dad)
Ladies Who Lunch
Lydia and Gamble meet for lunch. They discuss Janet calling Lydia a Lydiot on twitter. Lydia thinks Janet is “such a wrongen” and Gamble thinks Lydia has “tapped into the wi-fi of some other country” and made up her own language.
Lyds brings up the convo she had with PF back at the bar and how PF reckons Gamble met Rick on sugardaddy.com
Gamble replies with, “She can get f*&ked” so that should make tomorrow’s baking day ’round at Newbie Susie’s interesting.
Baking With Newbie Susie
Poor old Lyds is plebbing it in the back of the swift to get to Susie’s house but amazingly, she arrives there safely.
Several of the gals are already there and together they whip up a Pavlova.
PF and Gina chat for a bit and then they all start eating scones and talking about Shane Warne AGAIN.
Newbie Susie doesn’t hold back and asks Lyds, “are you bonking?”
Lydia replies with, “No. Last night I f*&ked my husband” which of course resulted in Chyka’s jaw dropping onto another necklace and Susie panicking, “There’s no swearing in baking!”
Janet’s Shane Warne Booty Call (SWBC) gets another mention and I can’t help but think how bloody clever this Shane Warne bloke is. I mean so far he’s been mentioned in just about every scene and yet he hasn’t had to make a single appearance. If that’s not the dream acting gig, I don’t know what is!
Anyway, it turns out Lyds wasn’t upset by the whole SWBC thing, she was actually shocked, “He goes for all these white pointers and I thought, what a compliment!”
Lydia and Janet go at it for a bit before taking things to the lounge room for a game of musical chairs.
Lyds craps on about Janet being an elder and they all have a go at throwing insults at each other for a few minutes.
To be honest all the yelling was giving me a headache and I was just about to get up to grab a couple of Panadol, when Lyds announced “I’m no Lydiot for a reason!” which made me laugh so hard, I had to replay it a few times just to make sure I hadn’t mis-heard things!
Janet leaves the convo (sensible decision) and PF and Gamble join in. More yelling ensues and the real housewives left sitting at the dining room table in the kitchen start to feel really sorry for Susie, who had gone to so much trouble to put on such a lovely baking day.
Gamble tells PF to “Go f*&k yourself” as she storms off set walks out of Newbie Susie’s lounge room and Lydia pipes up with, “I was not expecting that.”
You and me both, Lyds. You and me both.
Do you watch the Real Housewives of Melbourne? Ever had a booty call from Shane Warne? Still wondering how two rights don’t make a right?
Thank you to ARENA TV and FOXTEL for the advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne
Leave a Reply