Welcome to the Episode 9 Recap: Real Housewives of Melbourne Desert Storm. If you missed last week’s recap, you can catch up on it right here: Drama In Dubai.
Let the recap begin!
The dinner in the desert continues with Gina trying to implement a Friendship 101 tutorial with PF, “Have you actually heard what we’re all saying? That we actually care about you? That one by one you’ve rubbed us all up the wrong way and we would like you to understand that?”
PF has a headache with a tantrum chaser, screaming at all the women that they should be ashamed of themselves for picking on her. She tries to tell Chyka that the comments she makes about Chyka’s lips are compliments and Chyka is a grown woman.
Chyka fires back with, “So are you” Gina leaps in with “and you need to snap the f*&k out of it! I’ve had enough of your indulged bullf*&kingshit. Ok? Enough! Every time you cry and carry on and sook. Jesus. F*&k me. It’s absolute bullshit. You’re not playing the victim card. F*&k you. I’m not putting up with that shit. You call her (Gamble) a Black F*&king Widow. You tell me ‘I hope the door doesn’t slam you in the arse on the way out’ and then you think there’s a friendship? No one’s having a crack at you because they don’t care! They want you to f*&king listen.”
And PF’s response to that spray? “I didn’t listen to a word she was saying, so….” before lying down on the cushions. Which to be honest, really annoyed me because that is A LOT of f bombs to type on one go and I’m not so sure we all needed to read that many in a row.
Plus isn’t it illegal to swear in Dubai? I’m a bit concerned Gina’s going to end up in the slammer and have her makeup confiscated. I mean she’s probably got some hidden in her hair, but there’s only so long a tube of foundation, an eyeshadow pallet, mascara and lip liner will last!
PF then tells us, “I will change my behaviour if I think I need to change my behaviour. I’m fine as I am”
In other news, Narcissists Anonymous called and they’d like their leader back.
To lighten the mood, Gamble decides to get up and sing a song that she wrote for Susie. It was quite the stirring rendition about being a member of the CWA (“feminists not allowed! Subservience is required!”)
Now for those not in the know, CWA stands for Country Women’s Association, which prompted Lyds to ask, “You know it’s really interesting. Why is it like Country Women’s Association in Toorak? I mean, Toorak’s not a country?” FFS Lyds. It means THE country. Not A country. But well done for knowing that Toorak isn’t a country.
Let’s Go Shopping!
The ladies hit the markets/souks for a bit of shopping. They’ve separated into two groups again, this time it’s Blondes vs Brunettes but both groups are #PFfree.
The Brunettes discuss the dinner drama from last night and do the Blondes. Janet’s “tapping out” with PF. She’s done with her. Chyka would like an apology from PF and Jackie would like pasta for lunch.
Back at the resort
Lyds and PF are beachside where PF feels like she’s “barely surviving.”
PF tells Lyds, “I seem to hear ‘you talk about yourself’ Well why the heck not? If you were me, you’d be talking about yourself!” which didn’t make me want to throw my shoe at the screen at all. Nope. Not one bit.
Lyds gets PF because she has a blog. “Listen, last night we were talking about blogs. No one said well done. I got no recognition. It was all about what Chyka does. I don’t give a shit. I’m the quiet achiever.”
PF agrees with Lyds but then tells us, “Seriously! You’re my friend and you come in here and you’re talking about yourself!”
So just to be clear, if you’re PF’s friend you must never, under any circumstances talk about yourself. If PF says anything to you it is ALWAYS a compliment.
Also, Lyds has a blog. Please, for the love of god, give her some recognition. Lyds, if you’re reading this, you might want to start throwing the name of your blog into the episodes next season. That way we will know what your blog is actually called.
Lyds then makes the fatal mistake of accusing PF of being “arrogancy” (Please insert my eye roll here. Thanks so much) and it is ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.
“Don’t make me cry again!” PF yells at Lyds, “Now get out of here!”
Lyds doesn’t move and PF continues with her self-absorbed rant, “What about a f*&king hug?” “What about saying are you ok?”
Now I’m not one to normally go into bat for poor old Lyds but there are two things we need to discuss here.
First thing. Lyds DID ask PF if she was ok.
And as for the hug thing, well I’m guessing it’s probably a bit awks to go in for a hug with someone who is sprawled out in the ‘Oh I didn’t see you there but here I am ready for the cameras to roll so I’ll just suck my gut in a bit more’ pose on a sun lounger wearing a bikini complete with full gold jewellery running down her navel. But maybe that’s just me?
PF tells Lyds she’s “a broken record” and Lyds replies with “You’re f*&ked. You’re a fool. You’re an idiot. This is why nobody wants to talk to you!”
PF goes off again, “I’m super hurt. I’m super sensitive” but Lyds is having none of it and decides to leave PF to wallow in her own reflection sip on a cocktail on the beach.
What’s Chyka Up To?
Chyka’s giving us a bit of a run down on her superior event planning business, The Big Group, and the Royal Weddings they organise in Dubai.
Highlights include hiring a florist named Abbey who sea freights high-end flowers in from around the world, dyes them to an appropriate Pantone shade of whatever colour the bride desires and then brings the reception venue to life by creating a forest effect with those flowers. Chairs for guests to sit on will be Dior and the tables will be custom-made glass.
Chyka’s done a wedding in Dubai where the Dessert Buffet was 1.5 kilometres long, which logistically was a bit of a nightmare. I can imagine.
I mean, the last wedding I went to was an alternate drop of mud cake and pav and that had me sweating bullets because I REALLY wanted the pav. But then the mud cake was put in front of me and logistically that was a bit f*&king irritating.
So imagine what it would be like to have 1.5 kilometres of mud cake, pav* and god knows what else staring back at you?! Obviously it would be a dream come true, but logistically trying to figure out how to actually eat it all would be a bit of a nightmare.
*FYI for the overseas readers amongst us, pav is short for Pavlova. It’s a delicious dessert we enjoy here in Australia made from pretty much just egg whites and sugar that we whip together, bake and then top with cream and fruit.
Let’s Meet A Sheikh!
Jackie tells us that Chyka’s organised for some of the housewives to meet “a proper Sheikh.”
Janet’s beside herself because the host is “very gorgeous” and goes in hard with the flirting, “I could ride a camel ALL day!”
Jackie’s finding learning about the culture very interesting but she really wants to eat all the food.
Janet asks about the whole two wives thing, “You’re allowed to have more than one wife, are you not?”
The Very Gorgeous Host (TVGH) explains that yes, they are, but as a wife you are honoured, “I have to deal with you equally if you are my first or second wife” Janet is overcome with joy at this news and her eyes are as big as saucers as she exclaims, “DIVINE!”
TVGH continues, “91% of us only have one wife.” #sozjanet
A Q&A session about the culture of Dubai continues, Jackie eyes off the food, tells us she’s “f*&king starving” and then we watch the housewives eat. Finally.
Dinner DRAMA
All the housewives are going out for dinner. Chyka is looking forward to a quiet night “after last night’s drama in the desert” which, if the previews of this episode are anything to go by, is probably not going to happen.
#PANTSUITGOALS
So let’s all take a minute to get ourselves settled because I have a feeling this is going to be a doozy of a dinner. Are you comfortable? Got your popcorn? All ready for the drama that’s about to unfold? Excellent. Let’s continue.
Things kick off with PF telling all the housewives that they’re not God and they can’t tell her how to act or behave. Naturally this went down like a Botox balloon and resulted in Janet telling PF to “Get up and f*&k off!”
Janet talks to PF about how much of a shitty friend PF has been. PF listens and then, wait for it, APOLOGISES TO JANET!
I could be wrong, but I think what we’re witnessing here is a full-blown NARCISSIST MIRACLE. PRAISE BE TO PF’S OWN REFLECTION.
#BYOLIGHTBULB (LOOK CLOSELY AND YOU’LL SEE IT)
Gamble then decides now would be an appropriate time to ask Gina, “What’s happened to our friendship?” with a side cry chaser.
Gina is over it, “Oh please don’t be a f*&king sook about bullshit” and Gamble is “blown away by such a cold reaction.”
Gina insists there’s no issues between them so that’s the end of that. #barristerftw
Jackie then pipes up and would like to know why Lyds thinks Jackie brings bad energy to the group. Lyds can’t recall saying that (no surprises there) and tries to tell Jackie she’s angry all the time.
Jackie then reveals that Lyds has been saying “outrageous things…that can ruin families” about three members of the group – Gina, Janet and Chyka.
Lyds denies doing any such thing, Jackie doesn’t back down and Chyka joins in, “Don’t pretend you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Lyds still plays the dumb card and asks us, “What happened to Switzerland?”
Well if I had to guess, I’d say Switzerland has had enough of your bullshit and has decided to join forces with The Psychic, The Barrister and The Almost Sister Wife to form quite the Front Line.
In other words Lyds, you’d better get Johanna on the phone quick sticks. You’re going to need her to get you a ticket out of the United States of Emirates ASAP because I’ve got a feeling Switzerland has finally found her voice. (Feels good, that standing up for yourself thing, doesn’t it Chyka x)
To be continued…
#cantwait
Thanks to ARENA TV for the advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne + Media Images.
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