Episode three kicks off at Gamble and Rick’s house, where they’re chatting about Pettifleur. “Pettifleur hates my guts” says Gamble.
Luke, Rick’s son, suggests they put PF in the freezer with Janet. “She’s just above the frozen peas” he says as he gets up and pulls a photo of Janet out from their freezer. Gamble then tells us that since she put Janet’s photo in there, she’s had “no trouble” with Janet.
Which made me wonder, is this what they mean when they say one day you’ll be able to be frozen when you die? Because if it is, a) Luke and Gamble are WAY ahead of their time. I mean they are basically the Steve Jobs of the Cryogenically Frozen Community and b) if I put a photo of myself in a freezer, will it mean my forehead will stop moving too? Because that sounds a whole lot more appealing than getting jabbed by needles every 3-6 months!
But back to the convo in Gamble’s kitchen, which has now turned to the wedding. Gamble fills Rick in on a few details that he doesn’t know about yet. You know, minor details such as where the wedding will be held and what sort of cake they will be having.
Gamble doesn’t really want to invite PF but Rick thinks she should. Luke doesn’t think PF should be invited and tells Gamble, “You know how there’s an angel and a devil on your shoulder? Dad’s the angel and I’m the devil. I’m telling you to rip that bitch to shreds” which kind of left me wondering how he really feels.
What’s Gina Up To?
Meanwhile, Gina and her PA Josh are having a meeting with execs from Chemist Warehouse to discuss her new fragrance. They toss around smells that Gina likes – Garlic, Mandarin, Pineapple, Coconut and Banana – so I think what we’re looking at here is a Masterchef/Real Housewives Hybrid. Also, is it just me or does anyone else suddenly feel like a head cold curing smoothie?
Young Josh has left his phone at home, so he can’t google fruit salads fragrances or take any notes. He can however, awkwardly answer almost any question that is thrown at him, so that’s nice.
Fragrance names are tossed around the table. Gina wants to stick with the name of her autobiography, ‘Fearless’ but there’s already another fragrance out there with that name. Young Josh suggests using another language and the room goes silent for a bit before everyone remembers Gina is Italian!
“What’s fearless in Italian?” Gina asks. Nobody knows and Young Josh left his phone at home, so I guess we’ll never know.
Taglines are then discussed and old mate from Chemist Warehouse decides it should be, ‘If you want to go to bed with Gina buy your wife this fragrance!” Everybody LOVES it, while I’m thinking it’s a bit wordy and probably should be changed to something along the lines of ‘FFS should I eye roll out loud now or later?’
Let’s Head Over To Pettifleur’s
Yes, lets. Because PF has invited her sister Gillian over and they are having what can only be described as a very awkward conversation.
“You look lovely by the way”
“Thank you, so do you”
“Thank you”
“Thank you”
Um…. I’ll just sit over here and cringe at the awkwardness if that’s ok with you.
PF does most of the talking, mainly about herself, for a solid 3-5 minutes, while Gillian sits and listens. PF talks some more and I’m wondering how much Gillian was paid NOT to talk on national TV.
But then, a breakthrough! Gillian reveals what the problem is and does so with such dignity and poise, she could probably run some sort of Real Housewife Masterclass in how to sort issues out like an adult.
“I don’t have a problem with none of my friends. None of my family. If I only have a problem with you, then the problem’s not mine. The problem’s probably yours.”
PF listens and asks how she can fix it.
“Well, you just need to be normal and natural” answers Gillian, before telling PF, “You’re up yourself.”
PF tells us that she understands how people who don’t really know her could think that, but her own sister?!
Meanwhile, Gillian’s frustrated because she can’t talk to PF about normal everyday things. PF only wants to talk about which Chanel bag she has or her new Louis Vuitton shoes. “It’s fine to share those things with me as long as you actually hear my everyday lifestyle” Gillian explains, “you didn’t even know where I worked and I’ve been there for eight years!”
PF responds with, “I can’t remember everything!” before telling us, “I don’t see that as a flaw. I just see it like, what’s the big deal?”
I mean exactly. Who even cares where your sister works? All that matters is that you’ve got yourself a new handbag AND a new pair of shoes and the only way your sister is going to know that is if you tell her! Honestly. Some people can be so thoughtless and self-centred, right?!
Yoo Hoo! Chyka Darling, are you home?
Meanwhile Jackie’s over at Chyka’s house for a chat about babies with a cheese platter chaser.
You see we’re three episodes in, which in Housewife Years is f*&king ages, because we are STILL watching Jackie decide if she’s ready to have a baby.
Today it’s Chyka’s turn to listen to Jackie worry about getting knocked up “What if I have twins?!” “What if I put on 30 kilos?!” “What if my life changes?!”
Chyka and her necklace listen carefully, smiling and nodding where appropriate, before telling Jackie, “You will have to change the way you go out together and it sounds boring and it sounds daggy but it’s not” so that was probably the biggest load of horse shit I’ve ever heard great advice and definitely spot on.
Yep, motherhood is NON STOP FABULOUS first time around and there is nothing remotely daggy about trying to get a newborn baby to sleep while it vomits slightly on your shoulder at 4 in the morning!
Got that new Porsche yet Lyds?
While all the baby talk is going on, Lyds is casually flicking though a book in her library – not the local library, the library at her house – while Johanna the Housekeeper is cleaning around her.
“Do you ever like, take a break and read?” Lyds asks Johanna.
“No” Johanna laughs, “I have no time. You stop me.”
So that was a delightful, touching moment between two women who are obviously wonderful friends.
There’s a knock at the door and Lyds is SO EXCITED because she knows how to open it herself! her new Porsche is finally here!
She follows Michael, the Porsche Bloke, outside where he presents her with the new car AND a bunch of flowers.
“Thank you…you’re going to make me cry!” she says when he hands over the flowers.
Michael runs through the car’s features with her, “This is like a hot sexy mumma car! This is sexy!” Lyds exclaims. “You’re a sexy mumma though. It fits you perfectly” replies Michael.
Lyds tells us, “I think Michael was in awe and you know, it’s only natural, when you see, you know, a nice woman, you know, he’s a little flirtatious.”
Lyds then talks about how she’s sure her housekeeper will be able to afford a Porsche one day before telling Michael about Johanna’s horrific driving habits. “It’s like Johanna, we’re going to turn left. Chung Chung, not Ching Ching!”
She then tells us, while laughing, “She goes, that’s Chinese! And I went, whatever. It all sounds the same to me.”
I think I’ll just leave that one right there because if I eye roll any more during this episode, I’m fairly sure I’ll faint. But before we leave this scene, do we need to start some sort of GoFundMe appeal to get Johanna the hell out of there? Just a non-racist thought….
Has Janet Defrosted Yet?
Janet’s decided to catch up with her step daughter who she hasn’t seen for 2.5 years.
They chat about the break up between Janet and Brain and the step daughter would like to see them get back together, “OMG you two are like two peas in a pod!”
Janet tells us, “We’re not two peas in a pod. We’re 3,4,5 and 6 peas in a pod and I don’t want to share my pod with that many peas!” (You can catch up on the back story in last week’s recap: RHOM Recap: The OMG They’re Drinking At Pottery Barn Edition)
#sixpeasinapod
Are you going to the wedding?
There are drinkie poos happening over at Gamble’s house so she can hand out her wedding invitations to the gals.
PF rocked up in some sort of bedazzled Chanel resort ski wear arrangement which confused me for a minute or two, but then she took the hat of and…nope, nothing. I was still confused.
Lyds and Gamble catch up for a drink downstairs, away from everyone else, which pings everyone else off because why would Lyds and Gamble do that? (Um, probably because they were told to.) Anyway, Lyds is annoyed because she’s heard that everyone was bitching about her at the horse riding thing last week, EVEN CHYKA!
Lyds tells us, “I’ve been a true friend. Well a friend and I guess Chyka’s probably faking it. But maybe she fakes everything she does?”
The gals upstairs bitch a bit about the gals downstairs before everybody meets in the lounge room and pretends they all like each other.
Lyds pulls PF aside to apologise for her behaviour. PF is shattered because she trusted Lyds 100% and didn’t think Lyds would go and repeat their convo to Gamble (that all happened back in Episode One. You can catch up on it here: Real Housewives Of Melbourne Recap: The Shane Warne Special)
Lyds then tells PF that none of the other ladies like her and “everyone else talks behind your back.”
PF calls Jackie into the room and asks her if everyone hates her. Jackie denies this, goes at it for a bit with Lyds and leaves the room to fill the other gals in on what’s going on.
Janet tells us, “Lydia thinks to make the situation better she’s just going to put everybody in hot water and hurt PF more. LYDIOT!”
Everyone is back in the lounge room, where a group argument ensues. Lydia smiles and watches everyone go at it before Gamble interrupts and asks everyone to go outside.
Gamble hands the invitations out to everyone and when PF is handed hers she hands it straight back. “I don’t want to be too rude but you have to think about it before you give it to me. I can’t accept until you have another think about why you’re inviting me and why you want me to be there.”
Chyka tells us, “OMG, why now? I don’t know why PF does this?! I don’t know why she though that was the right thing to do!”
Gamble looks at PF and says, “Ok. I’ve thought it.” She throws the invitation into the bush behind her, tells PF to ” get f*&ked” and walks off.
And that, my fellow Real Housewife of Melbourne loving friends, is how Episode 3 ends!
Will you be buying Gina’s fragrance? Ever thought you were going skiing when it was actually a cocktail party? Bought a new Porsche lately? Tell me all the things!
Thank you to ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives Of Melbourne and media images each week.
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