#rooftopgoals
The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Season 3
L- R: Jackie, Susie, Gamble, Lydia, Chyka, Gina, Janet, Pettifleur
Episode 7 kicks off with Lyds getting a portrait painted of her dog, Figaro.
He’s had a shower, cleaned his teeth in preparation for the big event and the artist who painted Johnny Depp’s dog (not literally) is doing the portrait, so Figs is obviously going for a hygienic boho chic look.
Meanwhile Gamble’s back from her honeymoon (Rick took her to Broome), so she’s taking her step-son shopping.
They multi-task by choosing t-shirts and discussing the Celebrity Apprentice Viewing Party (CAVP) drama from last week. Gamble thinks Gina’s public profile is going to her head and Luke thinks Gamble has “terrible choice in friends” and that “they’re all a violent pack of bitches” which, as a former teacher, I thought was an excellent use of descriptive language!
Where’s Gina?
Gina’s wearing a lab coat at Chemist Warehouse HQ. Her PA, Josh, is lab coat-less, probs because he hasn’t reached faux scientist status just yet.
They’ve met with a few of the Chemist Warehouse execs to sample scents for Gina’s new fragrance. Gina smells a few (“I can smell cardboard!”) before settling on Fragrance D and the name Gina by Gina Liano.
Sally, the other faux scientist, tells Gina she is “a single name celebrity now. Like Kylie, Madonna” and Gina tears up a bit upon hearing these words.
Normally I’d have some borderline sarcastic quip to throw in right about now, but I totally get the whole tearing up at the thought of being a single name celebrity. I mean I’d be devo too if I had to drop my exotic surname of SMITH and only ever be known as KIRSTEN.
Mainly because nobody can ever get my name right and the thought of being called KRISTEN, KATHRYN, CHARMAINE OR KAREN for the rest of my life is kind of doing my head in.
What’s happening at Susie’s?
Brace yourselves people, because it is GOING OFF at Susie’s!
Susie is setting the table (OMG!) because she’s president of the CWA Toorak branch (UM, HELLO! COULD YOU BE ANY FANCIER?!) and is going to be running etiquette classes (WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!)
Some old duck called Joan is there to give expert etiquette advice, which includes ironing your napkins (I’M SORRY, WHAT?) and folding them the Australian way (UM, HOW IS THAT EVEN A THING?)
Chessie, Chyka (hi Chyks!) and Jackie rock up for lunch at Susie’s and we watch them endure an hour or so of etiquette torture training from Susie and her side kick Joan.
Things were looking up when Susie announced they were all going to put balls in their mouth, but then she bought out a bowl of marbles and I was a bit concerned I wasn’t on set to give my new bestie Chyka the Heimlich maneuver should it be required.
Anyone seen Pettifleur?
Yes, I have! She’s out shopping with her son, Nathan, for a grand piano. Nathan’s had piano lessons since he was five and “it’s a joy” to listen to him play.
Which it was, until he got roughly four bars in and completely f*&ked things up. Twice.
But not to worry, because he gave another grand piano a crack and only f*&ked playing it up once, so he was “really into this one.”
PF agrees, “It sounds amazing!” and $135,000 later it’s SOLD!
PF and Nathan have a bit of a chat about Nathan’s girlfriend, Emily. They’ve been together for three years and PF is worried they met when Nathan was too young.
Nathan’s not having any of this nonsense from his mother and declares his love for Emily, telling his mum “I wish she came into my life sooner. I’m not the man I am today without her!”
PF puts on a brave face but no amount of stiff smiles and large cheques can hide how pissed off she is when Emily rocks up to the piano store.
“He didn’t tell me Emily was coming. They can’t do anything without each other” she tells us.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sensing that PF might have just the teeniest tiniest smallest issue with her son growing up.
Let’s press fast forward
Jackie and Ben babysit a couple of kids. They can’t believe how hard it is and I’m still predicting a pregnancy announcement at the end of this series.
Brian takes Janet to look at some random property development of his. While they’re there he asks her out for dinner and tells her, “You only have to ask me to take you back.”
Prediction #2: Brian and Janet get re-married in Season 4
Where’s my new BFF?
Finally we’re at the best part of the show. The part where Chyka, who now reads these recaps, is throwing a fancy get together at one of her venues.
Everyone arrives and there are more dramas going on than in a Year 10 locker room at an all girls private school.
For a start, PF’s pissed because nobody welcomed her with a red carpet complete with ceremonial trumpet players and full paparazzi set up.
Also she can’t find her son’s birth certificate and Jackie’s a psychic. Surely if Jackie can predict Chyka will install blue couches in her venue the least she can do is figure out which safe PF has her son’s birth certificate stored in?
Gamble’s annoyed that Gina hasn’t even acknowledged the whole CAVP thing.
But to be fair, that’s probs because Gina is too busy telling PF and Lyds that her fragrance is about to go global. Which I’m assuming means Chemist Warehouse ships to Tasmania.
SURPRISE!
Once the drama is out of the way (for now), Chyka unveils a surprise for the housewives – a beautiful middle eastern inspired tent for them all to bitch in dine in.
They sit down and envelopes are handed out (I’m guessing mine will be arriving any day now)
The housewives open them and discover that Chyka is taking them all TO DUBAI!
Lyds is beside herself when she sees her boarding pass to Dubai and tells us, “Dubai is United States of Emirates. United States, YEAH! United Emirates. Arab. Arabian. Look, do you know what? It’s fucking amazing!”
Yep, the good old United States of Emirates sure is fucking amazing. When you find it on the map Lyds, let us all know.
PF then corners Jackie about the lost birth certificate. Because let’s face it, that is a pressing issue that only a psychic can sort out.
PF is at a loss to explain why Jackie is refusing to help her solve the birth cert mystery and wonders, “Does she feel like I’m too much of a strength that she might not be able to penetrate?”
Look, I don’t want to speak on Jackie’s behalf but I’m fairly sure if she was able to actually penetrate anyone it probably isn’t going to be PF. But let’s read on and see if I’m correct.
So PF sits beside Jackie and gives her a bit of a blast for not wanting to find the birth cert. Jackie suggests that “maybe PF should remember where she puts things when she’s drunk” and moves to a different seat. PF follows. Jackie moves. PF stays put and wins this round of musical chairs! Jackie re-joins the group.
The two of them go at it for a while, with the usual yelling and name calling happening.
Although this time around PF adds a touch of class by finishing things with, “You’re all fart and no shit” which was met with an eye roll from Chyka, Susie covering her eyes and me wondering if there will be eye masks available during our first class flight to Dubai.
Figs and Lyds
A few days later we’re over at Lydia’s house because Leanne the dog artist has finished the portrait of Figaro.
The enormous portrait is revealed and PF arrives to check it out. Lyds is thrilled with the end result and PF sums things up best when she looks at the portrait and then tells Lyds, “You have way too much disposable income.”
PF and Lyds then discuss the drama at Chyka’s dinner.
Lyds drops another clanger: “Correct me if I’m right” while PF bangs on about Jackie’s inability to provide free psychic readings for lost birth certificates, “Jackie wasn’t born into this lifestyle. She married into it. She’s been drinking French champagne for 5 minutes and thinks everyone’s beneath her. Fame’s gone into her head.”
Ok then.
Hands up if you’re looking forward to next week’s episode. I know I am!
Thanks to ARENA TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne + Media Images each week
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