This week’s RHOM Recap kicks off with Jackie spilling coffee on her “very couture” couch (Girlfriend, I know the feeling! If you’re not sure what I’m referring to, this post will fill you in) and is then followed up by Jackie filling her husband in on what went down during last week’s trip to the Philippines.
We then find ourselves at Lydia’s house. She’s been renovating for months and now that everyone’s back from their big trip she can’t wait to show it off (her words, not mine.)
Chyka arrives for her grand tour of the newly renovated mansion, where she spies a rather large nude painting in the hallway. “Which one are you?” she asks, to which Lydia replies, “Probably the one lying down. I’m always ready” so that’s good to know.
This was followed by quite the intense convo in the kitchen regarding the induction cooktop (“I had to get all new pots and pans!”), the two dishwashers (“Everybody needs two dishwashers!”) and the electric drawers (“Could you imagine when the electricity goes out and I can’t get a spoon or a knife? That’s going to be interesting!”) Um, I could be wrong but I’m fairly sure if the power goes out you could probably just open the drawers with your hands.
Next up we head to a party Janet and her son, Jake, are throwing to celebrate the launch of their foundation which supports burns patients during their treatments. All the gals are there and highlights of the party include:
1. Gina commenting on Jackie’s peplum dress, “Are you hiding something? Are you pregnant?” Jackie replies with, “Are you trying to say that I’m looking fat?” to which Gina comes back with, “No. Not today.” Um, ouch!
2. Carlos rocking up. Remember him from Episode One where he was helping Janet plan her birthday party? Well apparently he’s the guy who was responsible for telling Janet all about the Gamble Sex Party rumours back in Episode Two (naughty Carlos!) so naturally Gamble wasn’t exactly thrilled to see him.
As soon as Carlos sat down Gamble started firing off the questions (“Why would you start rumours like that?”) and Carlos claimed he’d heard them from a mutual friend of theirs who he refused to name. Gamble continued with the questioning before Carlos dropped this clanger: “Look, I saw the photos alright?!”
This is the first Gamble’s heard of photos circulating and tells us, “I get quite ill at the thought of being naked in front of the camera. Years ago I posed for some Playboy shots but it was nothing.”
Jackie tells Gamble on the quiet that “If there’s a photo of you it’s going to be f*&ked” and “I’m telling you as a friend that if there is then shut this sh*t down right away.”
Gamble tells us, “The only photos of me out there that could’ve been taken out of context are the ones of me and my girlfriends in the pool, but we all had our bathing suits on” which kind of made me wonder what on earth they were doing that could be taken out of context because what’s wrong with doing a few laps of a pool with your friends?!
Gina steps in and tells Gamble she needs to ask to the photos and quizzes Carlos about them. He then reveals that they were photos on a mate’s phone and Gina asks, “Was she in a bikini? Was she having oral sex?” (Um, eeeewwww. And is it just me or did that line of questioning escalate quickly?!)
Carlos tells Gina that Gamble was on a coffee table. Sitting on a coffee table to be exact. Fully clothed and everything. Apparently Carlos’s mate was just showing him photos of who was at a party he’d been to and there was a photo of Gamble, innocently sitting on a coffee table. FFS! So there was nothing in that rumour at all. Thanks Carlos. You seem like a TOP BLOKE.
The party continues with Lydia and Pettifleur sitting down for a bit of chat. Lydia asks P, “What is it with your accent thing?” before telling us, “Pettifleur’s got a beautiful sexy voice accent. You know it’s a Mediteraniun, no, I don’t know, um, Pettifleur’s accent is not an aussie accent” which explained things beautifully, don’t you think?!
Pettifleur then confronts Gina about mimicking her accent. Gina asks “Are you trying to make out that I’m a racist?” and the convo goes round and round in circles for at least the time it took me to skull a glass of wine 5 minutes before Gina tells us, “If Pettifleur is implying I’m a racist, she’s a moron” which was a delightful way to end things.
Right, so next up we’re at Gina’s shoe launch where she reveals to each of the girls that they have a shoe named after them. Long story short, P’s a bit pissed about that idea and feels they should’ve been consulted first, she’s also concerned that the shoes have a red sole (“I didn’t think you could do that?”)
So the next day Janet and P meet for a spot of shopping, which of course is Housewife Code for a bitch session about the night before. Janet’s annoyed that her shoe looks like a Nanna shoe while P still isn’t happy about her name being used (“My name is unique and I don’t want any other bitch having it.”) Pettifleur also raises the issue of the red sole (“We all know that’s the trade mark by Christian Louboutin!”) while I’m left wondering why there isn’t a Kirsten shoe!
We then catch up with Gamble and her sister, Tempest, who is recovering from her recent plastic surgery op. “I bought some breakfast!” says Gamble as she hands her sis a glass of champers (now that’s my kind of breakfast!) and sits down to discuss Tempest’s recovery. As luck would have it, Gamble’s dog, Cash, has just been desexed, so Tempest and Cash are recovering together.
The surgery set Tempest back a cool $50,000 but as Gamble tells us, “For $5,000 a year for the next 10 years that you’re going to look good, I think it’s worth it.” Totes.
A few days later the shoe convo continues when Janet and Chyka head to Jackie and Ben’s Garden Party. Chyka’s also really pinged off about her name being used for a shoe (“I really feel that she should’ve asked us”) and is annoyed about the style that’s been matched to her name (“I’m not a kitten heel!”)
Janet agrees (“I didn’t care if she named a show after me but I wanted a good shoe. I don’t want an ugly shoe! Why do I always get the Nanna shoe? I don’t wear Nanna shoes!”)
We’re then at Jackie and Ben’s Garden Party where Jackie is flat out running around telling everyone they look “very couture.” Gina tells us that “bogans get a hold of certain words and they really like it” which I’m sure won’t offend Jackie at all when she hears it!
Pettifleur sort of missed the brief about the party being a ‘Vintage 50’s Pin Up’ dress code and rocks up wearing a Jackie O inspired outfit. Janet tells Gina “I f*&king hate my shoes” and Gina tells Janet, “They’re cutting edge” which Janet actually seemed quite happy about.
Chyka and Jackie O/Pettifleur corner Gina about their shoes and tell her they would’ve preferred to have been told about their names being used. Gina tells them, “It doesn’t matter what I name them. I can call them anything” before offfering to remove their names from the shoes altogether.
Chyka suggests they use their nicknames (Cheekie and…wait for it…Honey Dip) which is met with a less than enthusiastic response from Gina.
Ben and Jackie then reveal the reason for the garden party when they announce that some bird called Natasha is the winner of their search to find a new face for their cocktail range. Ben attempts to open a bottle of champers using nothing but a sword and his ego and Jackie then randomly leaves the party in a helicopter.
But OMG it was like so totally awkies and not at all couture because once up in the air, Jackie realised she had the keys to Ben’s car in her handbag! So the helicopter had to chuck a u-turn and head back to the party so that Jackie could fling the keys out of the window.
And on that completely relatable note, Episode 9 of The Real Housewives of Melbourne is done!
See you back here next week for more Real Housewife action!
Thank you to Arena TV for the advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne.
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