This week’s RHOMelbourne Recap is proudly brought to you by the word CLASSY.
So things kick off with Pettifleur taking her son, Nathan, suit shopping. She tells the sales guy that Nathan has got a new job and he needs to look smart. She also tells the sales guy, “I say to him, you’ve got the cutest bum. Show it off!” (CLASSY. And not at all weird!)
$8,030* and the sales guy’s tie later, Nathan and his cute bum has a new suit.
*Don’t be shocked about the price. As the Sale Guy reminded Pettifleur, it includes all alterations. So really, when you put it like that, Petts and Nat are getting a bargain!
Next up, we’re off to a Fashion Aid event with Gina and Gamble. Gina’s sisters are both fashion designers, which as Gina puts it, means she’s “come from fashion royalty so this event is the natural place for me to be.”
Gina’s donated one of her frocks to be auctioned off at the event, which a dentist and his partner snapped up for a cool $4,000. On a totally unrelated note, I must remind my kids to become a dentist when they grow up #bigmoneyinthatprofession
After the auction is done and dusted, we find ourselves watching Janet and Jackie hit up a bar for a quick round of speed dating. Obviously Jackie’s only there for moral support, you know, being married to a rockstar and all! Janet was as nervous as anything, but then the bar tender told her it was Cougar Night, so that was a relief!
Janet whipped out a list of questions she intended on asking the men, which Jackie thought was “very 1980’s”. She gave Janet quite the pep talk, “You’re a mother f*&king whipping horse! Whip it up!!” before hugging her and sending her off to cougar town. (CLASSY)
We then watch Janet chat to several young blokes about aliens, pool boys, animal cruelty and children, while Jackie looks on and “picks up the vibes.” There was also quite the lengthy chat between Janet and a bloke Jackie nicknamed Santa Pants (because he was wearing red pants, obvs) about his ability to teach men how to give women a 15 minute orgasm (CLASSY), but my Mum reads these recaps every week, so there’s NO WAY I’m going to mention that bit! #awkies #sorrymum #gross
A few days later Pettifleur and Jackie meet for lunch. P’s been away at a health retreat in Europe (as you do) and needs to catch up on the whole Gamble stripper goss situation. Jackie fills P in and then Chyka joins them.
The Gamble gossip convo continues for a bit, with P keen to know what Gamble has been saying about her (not much). Chyks then invites P to her dinner party, telling her, “You have to bring a male partner.”
Ok, so now we’re watching Ben and Jackie drop into a modelling agency to discuss the new face of their cocktail range. There was a very intense convo about what they’re looking for (“they must be able to shine on the inside”) before Jackie puts her psychic abilities to the test and discusses each of the models who are up for consideration. “She’s got 5 children” “She’s too insecure” “She can play the guitar” They narrow it down to 6 finalists, while I wonder what Jackie would say if she ever came across a photo of me. “Bit of a shopaholic” and “Probably never going to be able to quit sugar” are two things that spring to mind!
Finally we’re at Chyka’s dinner party, where the chef has gone all Heston Blumenthal and served soup in a test tube.
Gina’s brought along “some eye candy” (she sure has!), Lyds is back from her son’s wedding and her husband was busy, so she brought along some random who “was next on the list”, while Janet brought along Jackie’s BFF in Season One of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, wedding frock designer who has obviously outdone himself with the guest star contract negotiations and scored a few walk on roles in Season Two (clever man), Henry Roth.
Once everyone’s tried a few of the chef’s creations, they all head upstairs where Jackie announces, “How f*&king beautiful” as soon as she sees the table setting (CLASSY).
We watch the housewives and their male partners toast Chyka and Bruce’s 22/23 years of wedded bliss and Lydia’s son’s recent wedding in Florence. Lyds got a bit teary while reminicing about the big day before discussing the passing of her firstborn son when she was just 21 years old.
Things were all a bit emotional at that point, with everyone feeling Lydia’s pain, but it didn’t last long.
Gina broke the emo moment by telling everyone her house is haunted. Jackie advised her to sage the house, to which Gina replied with, “Nah, none of that shit. They can all just piss off, cos I said so!” (CLASSY)
The convo then turned to the Barbie names Gamble gave everyone back in Episode 2, with Lydia telling Janet, “She’s blonde. I can’t understand her” which Janet thought was hilarious. Personally I thought her response was a bit odd, given that, you know, Janet’s also a blonde!
Pettifleur and Gamble then get into things with Gamble telling us, “Pettifleur is probably from a decent family, but she’s extremely obnoxious and sometimes that makes me feel she’s nouveau riche” (makes sense)
They discuss how old Gamble’s money is (not literally. I mean Gamble wasn’t sitting there saying, “Oh I got this 50 dollar note yesterday, so it’s quite new” but that would’ve made SPECTACULAR viewing if it had of actually happened!) with Janet telling us she thinks Gamble’s “fixated on the fact that people think she doesn’t have any money.”
Gamble then admits to P that she called her nouveau riche because P didn’t like G’s indian handbag. “How childish!” says P before then discussing which one of them is stupid.
P: “Are you?”
G: “Are you?”
P: “Are you?”
G: “Are you on occasion or not?”
P: “No, I asked you. Are you?”
G: “No, are you?”
P: “No, I’m not”
G: “Do you have moments of stupidity?”
P: “Never”
G: “I do”
FARK. SO DO I. LIKE RIGHT NOW. I’VE JUST WASTED FIVE VERY IMPORTANT MINUTES OF MY LIFE THAT I’LL NEVER GET BACK, WATCHING THESE TWO DISCUSS HOW STUPID THEY ARE!
Fortunately a singing waiter appears, putting an end to the stupidest conversation I’ve ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Once he’s done with the singing and exits stage left, Janet and Gamble get stuck into each other AGAIN about the whole Gamble Stripper thing. They re-hash the gossip over and over, while lovely Rick tries to calm Gamble down. Janet is pissed that Gamble’s not listening, so Bruce steps in, “Janet, you’re a good bird and a mate and I think what you’re trying to say is that…”
But poor old Brucey gets cut off by Janet’s ranting and Rick’s attempt to smooth things over between the two housewives. Gamble wants to leave but Chyka manages to talk her into staying. Gamble then admit she might be “a bit tired and drunk” (you think?!) while Rick sensibly encourages everyone to let it go and move on.
Cut to a few days later and Pettifleur and Janet meet for a coffee. They re-hash the dinner party drama with Janet suggesting that Gamble hasn’t told Rick the whole story. Meanwhile, poor old P is upset about the Barbie names and Janet attempts to quote a Kanye West song. If I’m honest, it was all a bit weird and I’m really not sure how I feel about Janet being a Kanye fan. You?
We then watch Chyks and Gamble take their dogs for a walk, which was all going well until Gamble’s dog, Cash, tried to jump Chyka’s dog, Ollie. Gamble then put Cash through his show dog paces and taking him for “Walkies! Walkies!” (please read that in your best sing song teacher voice, thanks)
Gamble and Chyks then sit down to chat about the dinner party. Chyka loves Rick (who doesn’t?!), Gamble’s STILL annoyed with Janet (move on luv!) but don’t worry because Gamble’s going to solve all their issues by inviting the gals to Sydney so they can see where she comes from and get to know her better. What could possibly go wrong?!
What did you think of this week’s RHOMelbourne recap? Are you hanging out to see what goes down in Sydney town next week? ME TOO! See you then!
Thank you to Arena TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne.
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