Dear Girl Who Comes To The Gym And Whose Name I Think Is Charmaine,
I’m so sorry that I keep forgetting your name, but to be fair, I’ve only seen you 4 times in the past month, which makes it a bit of a challenge to remember who you are.
I know you’ve told me that you don’t like to sweat while at the gym, but perhaps if you signed up to one of my highly enjoyable and incredibly motivating personal training sessions it would solve the problem? I’m certain that after two to three sessions of yoga running up and down the stairs while I yell at you through a mega phone gently encourage you to lift those knees a bit higher, I would remember your name and you would possibly be a few kilos lighter. Not that I’m saying you need to be a few kilos lighter, but if you did want to loose that substantial muffin top tone up a bit, a few personal training sessions with yours truly would definitely help.
Also, I apologise profusely for calling you Charmaine and making the situation worse by suggesting you looked like a Charmaine. I used to date to a lovely lass called Charmaine back in the 80’s and, well, if I’m honest, your spiral permed hair and baggy workout ensemble really reminded me of her.
I thought I was giving you a compliment, but, after telling the story to my wife over a big fat juicy steak mung bean and kale salad at dinner last night, I realise that I probably should have kept my mouth shut and perhaps complimented you on your ability to walk at a very slow place jog on the treadmill instead.
You will be pleased to know that since reading your open letter, I have begun listening to a podcast entitled “How To Remember The Attractive Girl At The Gym’s Name In 5 Easy Steps” as I drift off to sleep each night. Step One involved writing your name on a post it note and sticking it in places I would see it each day. So when you come to the gym for your next workout, please ignore the 4,982 post it notes that are stuck to the very large mirror in the weights section and above the men’s urinals.
I hope you are having a wonderful holiday in the good old US of A with that gorgeous family of yours. I also hope you’re enjoying snacking on the complimentary two week supply of gluten free, soy based, low sugar, no carb protein bars I gave you before you left. Remember they do have several side effects that might involve you needing to be fairly close to a toilet, so it’s probably best for all involved that you don’t eat them on the plane.
I look forward to seeing your oversized self caused by inhaling nothing but cinabons and In and Out Burgers for two weeks straight trim self in a fortnight, where you can tell me all about your holiday and I can bore you senseless inspire you with weight loss stories my past personal training clients have achieved.
Yours in fitness,
The Guy At The Gym Who Used To Think Your Name Is Charmaine But Now, Thanks To The Magic Of Podcasting, Knows It’s Kirsten
So what do we make of that? It seems like a very honest reply to last week’s open letter, although I’m not entirely sure why he thinks I would be visiting the men’s urinals?!
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