Right, so this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Janet getting just a little bit of botox, while Jackie looks horrified on calmly…
It’s hard to tell from the photo, but Jackie, who if you recall is married to a Rockstar, was just a little bit freaked out by the enormous amounts of botox Dr Chris was shoving into Janet’s face and informed us that she could never get anything like that done. And promptly followed that statement up with, “Although if you’ve got an amazing body like myself, I guess the face has to keep up.” Yep, I guess it does.
We were then forced to sit through several tediously boring scenes, such as Lydia swinging by Gina’s new apartment (purchased for her sons) to offer a bit of decorating advice. FYI: Black and Green are key colours when decorating for boys because a) they’re masculine and b) they hide any evidence of sexual encounters that may or may not take place on a couch. Good to know.
Then it was time for Andrea and Lydia to do a spot of shopping in a “way cool shop” (Andreas words, not mine) where Andrea announces that she’s completely exhausted and is in desperate need of a holiday. I get that. I mean, running a business AND organising hardcore checklists for her 5 nannies would be TRES EXHAUSTING. Fortunately Lydia and her husband own a little holiday home in Thredbo and Lydia kindly suggested that the two of them head there for a bit of R&R. Andrea was a bit beside herself at this suggestion, before muttering “I’ll just need to organise someone to look after the kids.” Um…..
Oh and who could forget the scene where Lydia and her husband head to the local airport hanger to grab the keys to their plane. They use it for all sorts of adventures like flying to Byron Bay when they need a bit of sun, but mostly they use it to buy cheese.
Look how happy Lydia looks! She’s flying people! Flying! To King Island. To buy cheese. Which totally makes sense. Why would you head to Coles for a bit of cheese action, when you can fly direct to the source?! I mean where exactly have you people all been living? In the suburbs? FFS. Get it together. Next time you need 250 bucks worth of cheese, get your husband to back up the jet and take you to the actual manufacturer.
Meanwhile, Jackie (“I’m married to a Rockstar”) and Mel Doyle Chyka, meet to plug Chyka’s very successful cafe to discuss Jackie’s new line of cocktails that she’s about to release. Originally she was going to flog Tequila, but her inspiration board and psychic abilities told her that cocktails were the way to go. Chyka thought that was an “interesting approach” to business which of course is polite lady speak for “W.T.A.F”
We then watch Jackie and her Rockstar Husband, Ben, meet with two party planners to discuss their Mexican Themed Housewarming Party. It’s Mexican themed because they both like tequila and Ben has a moustache. Also he’s a big Kevin Costner fan. So that all makes perfect sense. Jackie informed the party planners that “because my husband is a rockstar, there will be lots of famous people” attending the party and that she was very concerned that all the other plebs the other guests would spend most of their time at the party running around saying things like “OMG he’s so famous, I have to meet him.” (Definitely her words, NOT mine) Cue blank stares from the party planners and borderline eye rolls from me.
Andrea and Ben getting into the spirit of things
So finally we get to the actual party, where Andrea got up and “boogied like Beyonce” all night long. Yes she used the word “boogied” AND compared herself to Beyonce. Which, just quietly, I’m surprised nobody else has ever mentioned before, because their likeness is uncanny.
There were a few tense moments between Gina, Lydia, Jackie and Ben. Especially when Gina almost touched Ben’s hand. Jackie was forced to intervene and put a swift end to that nonsense because “You’ve got a husband in America so why are you touching my husband’s hand?” Um, awkward. Because first of all, Gina isn’t married. Second of all, she just broke up with her American boyfriend and third of all, UM AH. They totally almost touched hands. Everybody knows that leads to all sorts of trouble. Especially when Rockstars are involved.
Ben, Chyka and Gina. Definitely NOT touching hands. THANK GOD.
Sensibly, Ben walked away from that little hand touching confrontation, which left plenty of time for Gina, Jackie and Lydia to politely discuss the physic reading that wasn’t actually a reading which took place in Episode One and has since been the source of all the drama between Gina and Jackie. Poor old Lyds felt a bit caught in the middle and told the cameraman later that it was “all gobbledygook” and that Gina was being a bit of a “Nasty Pasty”. Which I think might be rich person talk for “all f*&ked up” and “Nasty B*&%ch” but given that I’m not rich and I don’t swear, I can’t be 100% sure.
Gina and Jackie were left to fight it out, which ended with Gina walking out and Jackie declaring she felt like she was “in a f&*king courtroom.” Which just quietly, was a welcome relief from hearing her remind us for the 4,982 time that her “husband is a f&*king rockstar.”
Stay tuned for next week’s ep, where Exhausted Andrea, Deputy Pilot Lydia and My Husband’s A Rockstar Jackie hit the slopes of Thredbo. Chyka, Janet and Gina are staying behind because they don’t like the idea of schlepping ski gear through snow (can’t blame them for that) and Janet has a date with a 35 year old, which she has to get ready for. Can.Not.Wait.
Did you watch this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne? Is your husband a rockstar?
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