Alright, so this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Pettifleur ducking into a luxury car dealership to check out a $450,000 Bentley that she wants her partner to buy her for her upcoming 50th birthday. She carefully checks out all of the features (“Where do I put my Chanel?” “Let me take a look at myself in the mirror”) before telling us that “A Bentley is like my personality; beautiful, classy, sophisticated.”
Pettifleur then asks the very patient salesman, “Can you put mirrors on the floor too, so I can check myself out while driving?” which I thought was an odd request, but then P clarifies this request by telling us, “I asked for mirrors on the floor so while I’m driving I can check out my landing strip, because I go commando.”
So two things. Firstly, if that’s not beautiful, classy and sophisticated, then I don’t know what is! And secondly, who knew Pettifleur was into landing planes AND the army?! See! You really do learn something every day!!
We then head off to Lydia’s house, where she’s picking an outfit for her dog, Figaro, to wear. Her Mum, Lena, is there also, assisting with this fairly boring to watch stressful task. The dynamic trio then go off for a walk, where Lyds tells her mum she apologised to Gina at Janet’s party and then goes onto say that Janet looked so beautiful…for her age. Ouch.
So then we find ourselves at Gamble’s house, where she is running around after HER dog, Cash, who “has a fetish for Loubouton shoes.” You and me both, Cash. You and me both.
Despite having what looks like a rather severe case of undiagnosed ADD, Gamble would like her dog, Cash, to become a show dog, so she invites Dog Trainer Brad over for some tips. Gamble tells Brad that Cash “can do pee pees on his own” “likes to chew the crotch out of everything” and “comes with me to get my lashes done”, so clearly we are off to what can only be described as a FLYING START with this whole show dog thing!
Brad then passes on his wisdom about dog training, “If you treat him like a dog, he’ll treat you like a human” before taking Gamble and Cash outside for a quick training session. Both reluctantly participate, with Gamble asking all sorts of interesting questions such as, “Are you training him or are you training me?” and my personal favourite, “Can you teach Cash how to do pilates?”
Brad then leaves (sensible man) and we find ourselves watching Gamble, Rick (her partner of 4 years) and his son Luke, having dinner. Rick seems like a lovely bloke and says all sorts of nice things about Gamble to the camera man. Gamble speaks highly of Rick’s son to the camera man also, so clearly it’s a blended family success story and how lucky is the camera man to have a job where he gets to listen to things like, “I want to impress the women from Janet’s party, so Rick and I have decided to host a murder mystery party” ALL DAY LONG?!
So now that we know there’s a murder mystery party in the pipeline, we find ourselves watching Janet, Jackie and Pettifleur do a spot of costume shopping for the party. It’s a witch theme, so Jackie goes for a skimpy red number which makes her “feel like a sexy little hoochie mumma” while Janet keeps it klassy with a simple black frock.
Meanwhile, Pettifleur is getting her boss on and ordering poor Imogen, the VERY patient sales assistant*, around like nobodies business. Janet is not impressed with this behaviour and tell us, “ordering shop assistants around in that way. I don’t like it.”
*is it just me, or do you get a feeling that all of the extras sales assistants hired to be on the show who work in the shops the gals visit have the patience of an actual saint?!
Pettifluer gets an outfit sorted, does a quick twerk session for Jackie and then decides she doesn’t like the outfit. This prompts Jackie to ask, “Darling, are you like a diva or something?”
4,752 costume changes later seems to confirm that yes, Pettifleur is indeed like a diva or something.
Right, so next up we watch Chyka, Gamble, Janet and Jackie meet for lunch, while Pettifleur heads off to have a coffee with Lyds.
During lunch the gals quiz Gamble about what she thought of all the other ladies at Janet’s party last week (FYI: Gamble hasn’t connected with Lyds yet because Gamble felt that Lyds wasn’t making any eye contact with her) before the convo turns to Pettifleur.
Janet announces that she doesn’t like her, while Gamble is a bit pissed that P said she didn’t like the earrings or dress that Gamble was wearing at Janet’s party. So that all sounded like a conversation between a group of 15 year olds like a totally normal conversation for a group of grown women to be having!
Meanwhile, over at the coffee date, Pettifleur is busy telling Lyds that she’s not sure of Gambles dress sense and that she thought Gamble wasn’t very bright. Cue an awkward laugh with Lyds, with a silly question chaser: “What did you think of me?”
Pettifleur replies that she thought Lyds was pretentious, and answer that was met with a “Wow” from Lyds and a “shit, that was a ballsy move” from me!
Back at the lunch the talk has turned to Gamble accusing Pettifleur of being “Nouveau Riche” which is basically a fancy way of saying her parents were dirt poor and now she’s loaded and has climbed her way up the social ranks as a result.
Chyka’s feathers get quite ruffled by this accusation and she launches into quite the spiel, telling that lucky cameraman, “Honestly, I think that’s horrible. I don’t even like that word. I think it’s unnecessary.” Um, excuse me, but where the hell were you when all the talk of wet pussies was floating around last week?! That seemed a whole lot more offensive than a couple of posh sounding french words!
Back at coffee, Lyds is quizzing P (I think we’ll just call her that from now on because a) it’s a bloody long name to type and b) it’s freaking my spell check out and I just don’t have the energy to deal with it right now) about her looks.
Lyds: “You have this very unusual look that I love. Is it Indian?”
P: “No. It’s actually Swiss, Dutch, Portuguese and Celonese.”
Cue as sort of deer in the headlights startled look from Lyds, which is followed by this (said to the cameraman, who by now MUST be wondering when the hell it’s knock off time, surely?!)
“It’s a real mongrel of a women. I mean she had some Thai…..Oh, I forget the other.”
A few days later, Gina pops over to P’s house for a chat about Janet’s party, Gambles pot string and P’s latest business venture.
“I’m writing a book because there’s a lot of crazy bitches out there who need to be helped. It’s called Switch The Bitch.” Ok then!
Next up, where at dinner with Rick and Gamble. Rick gets a bit teary reminiscing about their time spent in Sydney, which all seemed a bit random but then he TOTALLY POPPED THE QUESTION! Which, because I love a good love story, made me all ‘Aw, Rick seems like a top bloke with a heart of gold’ while I waited patiently for Gamble’s answer:
“Sorry. What? No! Sorry! What?! No! What? Hold On!”
Which left me all, ‘so was that a yes or a fuck no?’ I can’t be sure, but I’m fairly sure her answer left poor old Rick feeling the same way as he gently told her, “We’ve been together for a long time, sweetheart. I want you to marry me. It’s a simple question. It’s not difficult.”
Gamble then answered with, “Really?! You don’t know how much that would mean to me. I would love to marry you” before getting up and sitting on his lap.
Rick then tells the cameraman, “Gamble is a wonderful step mother to my children and a really positive influence. She’s the focus of my whole life, not only my whole life, but the whole life of my family. In a sense she’s the centre of it.” I mean, really?! Could this bloke BE any nicer?!
We’re then back in the restaurant, where Gamble says, “So we’ll go ring shopping will we? I know exactly what I want.” So that was touching.
Ok, so finally the night of the murder mystery party arrives and to be honest, I found those parties SO BORING back in the 90’s and after watching a solid 25 minutes of them in the big screen an hour ago, I can confirm they are still JUST AS BLOODY BORING.
So let’s just go with a brief highlight reel of the party and save ourselves all some time, shall we?
P thinks Gambles partner “looks like a Grandpa” (MEAN! Honestly, I will not hear a bad word said about the lovely Rick.)
Gina thinks “Janet was completely locked into Rick and if the opportunity presented itself, Janet would be in there” (#AWKWARD)
Lyds was dressed as the witch from Snow White, which Gamble LOVED because she’s “always wanted a basket of poison apples” (UM, WHO HASN’T?!)
Gina found it “difficult to follow who was who and what was what” (COME ON GEENS! KNOW YOUR CRAFT LUV)
P launched into yet another twerking episode (EWWWW) which she kindly followed up with a lengthy synopsis about her book (BIT BORING, but then again, when I finally get myself a book deal, I’ll probably bore everyone senseless with the details of it, so stand by for that!)
Jackie asked Rick and Gamble when they would be getting married because she “really wants a hen’s night” and Rick announced that he had JUST popped the question a few nights ago. (ODD, because isn’t Jackie a psychic? How did she not see that one coming I wonder?)
Janet then tells the cameraman, “I’ve heard rumours about Gamble and now Rick and Gamble are engaged, I think they would be quite damaging.” (OOOHHH AAHHHH)
Ok, so a couple of days later, Janet, Chyka and Gamble meet for a debrief about the party, a discussion about the engagement ring (Gamble wants a cushion cut) and a bit of goss about Gina (apparently Chyka’s heard that Gina and her man are engaged, which could only mean one thing…a double wedding! Am I right, or am I right?!)
The convo then turns to gossip in general, with a lovely little chat about the difference between nice and nasty gossip. Janet tells that gals that she’s heard gossip that she’s not interested in repeating, with Gamble asking, “Is it about me?”
Chyka pipes up with, “It’s a story about your past. And men. A variety of different men” while Janet interrupts with, “It’s not about your car.” “No,” says Chyka, “it’s not about your car.”
Fark. Could someone pass the popcorn, because this is getting good!
Gamble nods and asks, “Oh, is it about the fight in court?”
Yeah gals, is it?!
Well no, it’s not. As Chyka tells the long suffering cameraman, Gamble was seeing some random, they split up, she kept the car and there was a big story in the paper about it.
Got it. Ok, so what the hell is the actual gossip then?
Finally, Janet breaks her moral cone of silence and tells Gamble, “They’re saying you were a stripper and a call girl. As a job. As a serious job. It gets worse. Also there’s stories going around that there’s been like these SEX PARTIES.”
OH FFS. First it was last week’s Wet Pussies and now I have to write the words SEX PARTIES. Great. Stand by for numerous weirdos to land on this page when they type THAT into google! (also, if you are one of those weirdos, a) I apologise for letting you down b) thanks for reading and c) STOP LOOKING FOR PORN ON THE INTERWEBS)
Gamble replies with, “That’s insulting. Tell me where it’s coming from.”
To which Janet tells her, “It’s viral amongst the people I know” before launching into a story about Carlos (remember him from last week? He likes to take his pet pig for leisurely strolls through the botanic gardens, so he’s bound to be a reliable source!) being at a party, where Gamble and one of her girlfriends were also at, that apparently was a party which involved group sex (so wait, it’s ok for Carlos to be at that sort of party but it’s not ok for Gamble to be there too? Yep, that sounds fair and not at all some sort of sexist double standard.)
But EVERYBODY RELAX, because as Gamble explains it, she has “a lot of friends who are personal trainers and they’re really hot. They came over and put photos up on Facebook but it wasn’t a sex party. It was just girls having a swim.” Yep, I can see how Carlos would totally confuse the two.
Gamble then tells the cameraman (yep, he’s STILL there), “I felt ambushed. It felt pre-meditated. Coming up with such malicious bullshit is absolutely vile and they should just go home and have a fucking shower and wash their brains out, their skulls out, their filthy minds and get a fucking grip of life. Why don’t they stop and do something for the world and stop being bitches?”
Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m fairly sure Gamble’s just written the forward for P’s new book!
And that my friends, is Episode 2 of The Real Housewives of Melbourne done and dusted.
What did we think of it?
Are we buying the ‘they just came over for a swim’ story? And would you like to have a stern chat with Carlos about repeating vulgar gossip too?
And how much do we LOVE Rick?!
Thank you to the good people at Arena TV for sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Season 2.
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