Look I’m not going to lie. This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne was action packed. And funny. Although I’m not entirely sure it’s meant to be funny. But still. It was. Let’s get into it shall we?….
Andrea introduced us to one of her five nannies. And her in-depth checklist. Yes, our friend Andrea loves a good checklist. So much so, that she’s currently in the process of collating all of her checklists and putting them into a book for us. Talk about thoughtful. And helpful. Especially for those of us with more than one nanny. By the looks of things, co-ordinating the help AND your own children is pretty much a full time job, so it’s a relief to know a book of checklists is on it’s way.
Now the gorgeous Janet didn’t get a lot of air time during this ep, but she did visit her jeweller (with Chyka in tow) for a spot of welding and melting. And no, that’s not a new thing you can get done to your face. Janet watched (and helped) the jeweller melt down her wedding rings, which will be re-modelled into one mother of a diamond ring. Doesn’t it look like SO MUCH FUN. Not to mention surprising. Just look at their raised eyebrows!
We saw Lydia get into a limo with the other girls, where champagne was popped and Lydia was handed a plastic champagne flute. Plastic people. It was plastic. Isn’t that what people drink out of when they’re camping? Not when they’re sitting in the back of a limo FFS. Anyway, Lydia took one look at it and asked, “OMG is that plastic? I don’t do plastic. Everybody knows that I don’t queues and I don’t do plastic.” I hear you sister. Neither.Do.I.
The lovely Chyka, who just quietly, I reckon looks a bit like Melissa Doyle but with bigger hair, threw a casual lunch for the girls at a high end venue that she runs.
Bruce, her husband, joined the ladies for a glass of chardy and stared blankly at Jackie when she told him her husband is in a band called Silverchair. “Surely you’ve heard of Silverchair? They’re Australian rock royalty.” Nope. Still nothing. Which could’ve potentially been Very Awkward, but good old Bruce politely informed Jackie that even though he’d never heard of Silverchair, he’d really like to get to know their music. Talk about a relief. I was practically on the edge of my 4 seater movie style recliner waiting for the outcome of that convo.
Now during this lunch, it was noted that Gina was missing. Say what you will about The Real Housewives of Melbourne, they’re nothing if not observant. Turns out Gina was in Miami, visiting her partner of 8 years who, Psychic (I’m Married To A Rockstar) Jackie claimed in last week’s ep, was cheating on Gina. Oooh Aaaah. Let me tell you Lovely Readers, that Gina is a Barrister who “deals in facts” and doesn’t believe a word of Jackie’s “demonic” abilities. Ouch.
Gina and Jackie met in a coffee shop to have a friendly conversation about this minor misunderstanding and Gina went in hard with the cross examining. So hard that she made Jackie cry. And also get a bit shouty. Which, surprisingly, didn’t seem to bother fellow coffee goers one bit. I don’t know about you but if I saw a Barrister who aspires to look like a drag queen (her words, not mine) and a psychic who is married to a rockstar (again, her words. Which she likes to repeat several times per episode) going at it while I’m trying to enjoy my decaf, non fat, sugarless soy vodka latte, I’d probably settle in and enjoy the show. But nope. Everyone around them just continued reading their newspapers and typing on their laptops. Weird.
So anyway, that little run in left Jackie a bit tired and emotional, so she went home to her husband. Not sure if you’re aware yet, but he’s actually in a band. I know. So cool. The two of them then had quite the in-depth discussion about whether the tension between J&G is a Head F*&K or a Cluster F*&K. Ben The Band Member insisted it was a Cluster F*&K, while Jackie was certain it’s a Head F*&K. They spent several minutes discussing this pressing issue, before Jackie finally decided to combine all the F*&Ks and make it a Cluster Head F*&K. Clever.
We were then given a brief teaser of next week’s episode. Jackie and Ben The Band Member are throwing a housewarming party (“Youse are all invited” says Jackie to the other housewives. Who were probably shocked by her use of the word ‘youse’ but their foreheads don’t move, so it was a bit hard to tell) and it looks like Gina showers the Psychic and The Band Member with several boxes of jewellery from Tiffany & Co. So that’s lovely. And obviously means everyone is friends again. Excellent.
See you back here next week for the recap of Episode Three. Can hardly wait!
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