This week’s RHOMelbourne Recap gets of to a cracking start as we watch Chyka and Janet shop up a storm in David Jones (which is a fancy pants department store here in Australia, for those overseas readers playing along at home.)
They both score their own personal shopper who brings them champagne and various high-end outfits to try on. Talk about Living My The Dream.
Chyka tells us she loves shopping and likes to “look my best whether I’m at the supermarket, at work or at an amazing event.” Which makes me like her even more, because just last week I was at an amazing event and apart from the Faux Perm, I reckon I was almost looking My Best.
We then find ourselves catching up with Gina, who tells us she’s never been single and is feeling a bit lonely. So she decides to meet up with Trudy from Elite Introductions. Truds asks Gina various questions about what she’s looking for in a man, to which Gina politely informs Trudes that she doesn’t do saliva problems or thumbs that stick out. Ok then.
Next up we’re at Lydia’s house, where we meet Johanna The Housekeeper. There’s a very intense scene involving Johanna peeling a carrot with a knife, which intrigues Lydia no end and prompts her to ask all sorts of interesting questions like “Why aren’t you using a peeler?”
Lydia then tells us that she “hasn’t had to clean a house for 20 years”, so she “really doesn’t know what she dislikes about cleaning because, you know, that’s for someone else to do.” We then watch Johanna double as Lydia’s stylist as she picks out various outfits for Lydia to wear, which is dead set handy because as Lydia puts it, “Johanna knows where everything is. Half the time I don’t know where anything is” before adding that “Johanna is more than a housekeeper. She’s my beautiful friend. She’s my House Friend.” So that’s delightful. Not to mention a little bit touching.
Ok, so the next scene sees Chyka heading to Jackie’s house for a champers and a chat about the packaging for Jackie The Professional Psychic and Ben The Rockstar’s new cocktail range. Some random arrives with the packaging which Jackie declares looks “so classy and chic.”
Jackie then reveals the “f*&king masterpiece” she created back in Episode Five which leaves Chyka a bit gob smacked and telling us “I love the artwork but they’ve got a lot of work ahead of them. They’ve got to get the actual drink into the bottles.” Say what you will about the lovely Chyka. She’s nothing if not observant. And switched on. And slightly ahead of everyone else in the cocktail making game.
Chyka then lives up to her new nickname of Switzerland by organising a “private shopping experience” with Lydia, Gina and Andrea.
A limo picks each of the housewives up separately, which allows for what can only be described as Groundbreaking Television when Lyds gets in and promptly calls her House Friend Johanna to make sure “Mr Figaro does his wee wees.”
FYI, Mr Figaro is Lydia’s dog. Not her husband. Also, can you all please start rolling your R’s when pronouncing Mr Figaro’s name? Thanks. And finally, Johanna…you deserve a stiff drink. And possibly a holiday.
Gina and Andrea then get picked up, which is a little bit awkies because as Andrea tells us, “There’s no way I wanted to travel with Gina. I would’ve found my own way there. Hey, I would’ve hailed a cab.” Bloody hell love, that’s practically public transport. This whole Gina/Andrea thing MUST be serious.
The housewives then head to West Elm for a bit of a bitch session shop. Chyka kindly points out the lovely BBQ sets to the gals while Andrea works very hard to avoid Gina in the linen section.
Gina invites Lydia and Chyka to a Girls Night In thing that she’s organising, but informs them that she won’t be inviting Gina. Lyds instructs Gina to “get over it and get on with her life” before heading straight over to Andrea to let her know Gina won’t be inviting her to the Girls Night In.
This prompts Andrea to tell Lydia and Chyka that she’s having a pamper day just for them before whispering, “I’m undecided if I’ll invite Gina.” She then slams her locker door shut and heads off to Period 4, which FYI is Biology, laughs quietly to herself and exits stage left.
Next up we watch Jackie and Ben go in hard with a Hello Babe kiss at Ben’s recording session. He’s laying down a bit of a track, provocatively called ‘Sex’, which Jackie thinks needs more “drumos” Which is Professional Psychic talk for drums. Obviously.
Janet then arrives and she’s just a bit beside herself because she’s never been in a studio before and how does it all work? And what do you hear when you have those headphones on? Ben tells us that he doesn’t mind the occasional visitor, so long as they’re quiet and don’t stay too long. Finally. Ben and I have something in common.
Janet and Jackie then break into a bit of a spontaneous dance routine and attempt to do a bit of a Q&A session with Ben. He tells Janet to “shut up and sit down” to which Jackie replies, “Isn’t that sexy?” Um, yeah. There really is nothing I find sexier than my husband telling my friends to be quiet. In fact, it’s actually quite charming.
We then find ourselves at Chyka’s house where she’s hosting a Pooch Party in her never-ending quest for all the girls to move on from the drama. Janet arrives first with her two dogs, Bella and Boychyck, who are both “very comfortable and not interested in leaving their Louis Vuitton homes.”
Lyds and Figarrrrrrooooowww arrive next, along with dog-less Jackie in tow. Andrea and Poppy rock up and after Switzerland Chyka toasts to “peace and harmony” they housewives all wait patiently for Gina to arrive. But she’s late. Again. FFS. Could someone PLEASE remind Gina what time she is due on set at Chyka’s Pooch Party.
Finally Gina and Ninja arrive and we’re forced to endure watching the waiters serve dog food disguised as human cupcakes to the dogs, before the housewives take it upon themselves to dress their pooches up in various outfits. And I don’t know where your mind was going with that last sentence, but by ‘their pooches’, I meant ‘their dogs.’
We then sit through a few scenes that we’ve pretty much already seen in previous episodes. Jackie and Ben head to the venue for their cocktail launch party, where Jackie entertains us with various psychic references and a borderline panic attack about the cost involved in the whole venture.
Gina meets up with her blind date, Daryl, who fortunately passed the saliva and thumb test, so that was a relief for all concerned.
Andrea, Lydia and Jackie then head to some Emirates Shin Dig and while they’re in the limo, Lydia tells that other housewives that Gina called her to tell her that Janet said Lydia is brainless. But everyone relax, because Lydia then tells us, “I mean seriously, am I brainless? To fly a jet you can’t be brainless.” Excellent point. And very well thought out.
Andrea then swoops in to suggest that Gina is being manipulative and that Lydia MUST tell Janet what Gina’s doing, while Jackie chimes in with, “What the f*&k is she trying to prove?” which was a lovely way of putting it.
We then watch the housewives arrive at the party, where Emirates air hosties hand the gals warm towels as they walk in the door. Random. But handy. I mean who doesn’t love a warm towel on arrival at an event? I really hope the head honcho of Coles was watching that, because I could totally do with that sort of welcome every Tuesday.
Lydia hits Janet up about the brainless comment, to which Janet smoothly replies, “I didn’t say you were brainless, I said you weren’t very bright.” This pleases Lydia and Andrea no end because “Janet owned it.” Unlike Gina, whom they’re ALL still waiting to get their apology from.
Janet gets a bit brassed off that Gina is repeating their bitch sessions to the other housewives, so she organises to meet Gina for a drink. There’s a fair bit of too-ing and fro-ing between the two housewives about who should be apologising, which Gina sums up beautifully when she tells us, “I can only be responsible for what I say. I can’t be responsible for what you understand.” Which, just quietly, would look great on a t-shirt.
Janet then informs Gina that the way everyone behaved in Mission Beach was acceptable, to which Gina replies, “Well that’s the end of the friendship.” Cue tense words exchanged between the pair which resulted in Janet walking out. While chugging on her wine. Presumably because it was free all that talking made Janet very thirsty.
And that brings Episode 9 to an end. But not before we’re given a sneak peek of next week’s ep, where we see Andrea ask Gina, “I heard you’re doing a soap range. Is that so you can wash your mouth out?” Bring.It.On.
Images sourced from Foxtel
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