Right, so the series finale of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Ben and Jackie visiting a burlesque bar to audition dancers for their cocktail launch party where Jackie tells the dancers, “I want youse to envisage you’re a drink that everyone wants to drink.” Ok then.
We then watch a lot of nipple covers, feather boas, butt tassels and strategically placed bongo drums do their thing, which creates a bit of a problem. You see Ben and Jackie have already told the dancers they’ll only be choosing one of them to dance at the launch party, but Ben’s on Team Butt Tassel, while Jackie’s on Team Nipple Cover, so it’s a bit of tense 30 seconds before the pair decide to hire ALL THE TASSELS DANCERS. YAY!!! Tassel Crisis Averted.
We then meet up with Gina, who calls Janet to make sure she’s still keen to attend Gina’s Girls Night In Fundraiser thingy. Janet tells Gina she’s “so over all this crap” that’s been going on and confirms she will be there. Excellent. That should please Lyds and Andrea NO END.
We’re now at some Melbourne coffee shop where we watch Lydia leave Figaro (please note that the rolling r’s that featured so heavily in last weeks episode are no longer required) unattended in her convertible while she waits for Andrea. Who, I have to say, in this particular scene has the I’ve Just Finished Filming A Rod Stewart Video look down pat AND can strut along a suburban footpath like nobodies business.
Anyho, back to the coffee date. Long story short, Gina calls Lydia to confirm she’ll be at the Girls Night In Fundraiser thingy, which is just as well because Lyds doesn’t want to go anymore can’t go as she has something else on that was booked in “months ago.” She then gives superior eye rolling action while Gina is talking about her cancer battle, before ending things with a very polite, “Look I’d better scoot. I hope you raise lots of money for all the cancer…cue very long pause while Lyds tries to think of the correct word to use, before deciding on….wait for it….people.”
Andrea and Lydia then have a bit of bitch about Janet and decide to call her to discuss how disappointed they are that she’s going to Gina’s fundraiser thingy. Janet tells the gals that she’s “over bagging” Gina which results in Andrea and her slow talking hands telling us, “Lydia and I are united in our stance against Gina. We’re not going to move on until she apologizes. She needs to answer to us.” Which sounds both mature AND considerate, don’t you think?
We then find ourselves at Andrea’s book shoot where she tells us, “I want my book cover to show people that you can be organised, controlled, aspirational and glamourous.” She also informs us that she cleverly chose a photographer who usually shoots athletes because “she will be able to make into a different person and not just a mum who is really an accountant.” Right.
We then sit through Andrea shooting various ‘looks’ such as The Angry Look (“Where’s a picture of Gina?”), The Tina Fey Look (Holds hands either side of head while announcing, “I saw Tina Fey do this once”), The Dismissive Look (the look her nannies are most used to seeing) and Andrea’s personal favourite, The Call To Action Look (points finger at the camera and gives Zoolander a run for his money.)
Once all that glamour is done and dusted, we watch the invited housewives arrive at Gina’s Girl’s Night In Fundraiser thingy. Gina gives a lovely speech where she talks about her cancer fight, announces she’d like to write a book AND hands out goodie bags that feature her new soap range. Janet is thrilled with the freebies, while Jackie tells else, “What else is next? Good luck to her but she’s not Kim Kardashian.”
We’re then forced to sit through a few mediocre scenes involving Chyka and Gina meeting in an empty restaurant to discuss the never ending drama between Gina, Andrea, Lyds and Janet which is closely followed by watching Ben embrace his inner Tonia Todman as he spray paints several hundred masquerade masks in a confined space and may or may not be getting a bit of a buzz on.
So then we watch Gina and Andrea meet for a cat fight friendly chat about Andrea being so upset over Gina calling her “that slang word for female external genitalia” (Mum, please don’t call and ask me what that last sentence means. Google will give you a MUCH better explanation than I ever could) before whipping out, you guessed it, A CHECKLIST, because “this is a business meeting, not a friendship meeting.” Gina asks if she can read the list, which rattles Andrea because clearly nobody but Andrea is allowed to get their mitts on her checklists. Unless of course you’re buying her book of checklists. In which case, please, go ahead, buy several copies.
There’s a fair bit of too-ing and fro-ing between the two, covering all sorts of ladylike topics, including, but not limited to, Andrea’s tennis party, Gina being unhinged, Gina swearing and Andrea not having a filter. A conversation that Gina tries to finish by telling Andrea, “I worry about how you behave in private if you behave like that in public.”
To which Andrea cleverly replies, “You don’t have to worry about me. I’m the one who has everything.”
There was then some classy talk involving soap and vaginas, before Andrea gets up to leave, only to have Gina leap in front of her. Andrea sits back down, which was an unfortunate tactic as it clearly showed who was most likely to score a place on The Amazing Race once this show has wrapped up prepared to give up first.
Meanwhile, back at Jackie and Ben’s house, Jackie is stressing out about their La Mascara launch party. I mean, she doesn’t know what to wear, so there’s that. And she has a $40,000 necklace that she’s also unsure about. So that’s all very taxing. Ben gives her a bit of a pep talk about not having to tell everyone how much things cost, before telling Jackie he loves her and she’s his “little goat whisperer.” I’m sorry, what? I don’t know about you, but I feel a bit ripped off. I mean, for the past 9 weeks I totally thought Jackie could talk to GHOSTS and now, in episode 10, it’s revealed that it’s actually GOATS that Jackie can chat to. FFS. I can’t tell you how relieved I am I didn’t ask for a Psychic Goat Reading for Mother’s Day. That could’ve been VERY embarrassing.
So finally, after days months of planning, the La Mascara Launch Party is here and as Jackie tells us, “It’s time for La Mascara to shine, shine, shine.” One by one all the housewives arrive and Lydia tells us, “The whole party changed when Gina walked in and it’s not because she’s so glamourous, it’s because she’s so UGH.” So that was nice.
Things then get a bit awkies, as Jackie leaves Gina alone with Andrea and Lydia, but it was ok because Andrea and Lyds ignored Gina. So that was thoughtful. Chyka then gets stuck next to a burlesque dancers backside, which as Lydia tells us was “so sexy, so sensual, so whoa.” Ok then.
Jackie then gives a speech while standing on the bar, which was both classy AND practical.
The housewives then all meet on a couch, where Gina tells Andrea and Chyka that she’s “learnt that women can be real arseholes”, Andrea tells Gina, “Why don’t you leant you need to fine tune your filter” and my son, who was on his way to the bathroom when he walked past this reality tv nonsense the scene, asks, “Why don’t they do a Real Housewives of The Bermuda Triangle?” which I thought was both insightful AND clever.
And just like that, we’re at the final scene of the series. Which is an oddly edited group conversation where Gina confronts Janet about all the drama that has gone on for most of the season, Janet tries to blame Jackie but then admits that she started the whole fight because she loves a bit of gossip, Chyka announces she doesn’t mind being called Switzerland, Jackie tries to work her goat whispering magic on Gina, Lydia demands to know why her and her vagina were involved in the drama (not even kidding on that one), Andrea is confused as to whether she actually got an apology from Gina while randomly insisting that Lydia has more money than all of the housewives (good to know) and Gina rounds things off nicely by telling us, “Karma’s a bitch and she knows where you live.”
And that my friends, brings our weekly Real Housewives of Melbourne Recaps to a close. I know. I’m sad too. There’s been a fair bit of talk over on the blog’s Facebook page about what show I’ll recap next, with one fab reader suggesting I just keep writing recaps as if the show is still going, which gave me a good laugh. I WISH I had that sort of imagination/script writing ability. Anyway, if you can think of a show that could do with a weekly recap, feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments section below. Although somehow I think we’ll be hard pressed to find another show as recap worthy as The Real Housewives of Melbourne. Cheers!
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