The Real Housewives of Melbourne, from left to right, are: Chyka, Lydia, Janet, Pettifleur, Jackie, Gamble and Gina
And we’re back!
If you’re new around here, you might not know that last year I wrote recaps after every episode (you can catch up by reading posts such as RHOMelbourne, Episode 9, The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Episode 10 Recap or my personal favourite, Episode 8) and this year it’s no different.
So now that the first episode of the new season has officially aired, let’s get The Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 2 Episode 1 recap underway!
Things kick off with Chyka, Jackie and Lyds meeting for lunch at a swanky looking restaurant. They discuss all sorts of pressing issues such as Chyka and Lydia’s weight loss, where Jackie tells us that Lydia “has been shagging, exercising, squatting, doing all the right things girl, cos she has dropped so much weight!”
Lydia tells The Gals that she “did do the 5:2 diet but then I decided it was all too hard to do that (I hear you sister!), so then I decided I’d just eat whatever I want (oh we are so on the same page girlfriend!) but in smaller portions.” (um, sorry but you lost me with that last bit….)
The waiter then comes over to the table and asks if they’d like a drink. Lydia whispers that she likes “wet pussies” (not even going to comment on that one), which naturally prompts Jackie to announce to the waiter that “she likes wet pussies” while Chyka politely asks if there’s another option. I’m guessing there is, but again, I’m not going to comment on that one! Lydia then asks the waiter if he knows what a wet pussy is (FFS, I can only imagine what sort of weirdos I’m going to get landing on this page now that I’ve written the phrase ‘wet pussies’ three times, not to mention the phone call I’m no doubt going to get from my mother once she reads this paragraph!)
Anyway, long story short, no the waiter doesn’t know what a wet pussy is because he’s “never had one of those.” Alrighty then!
We then catch up with the lovely Janet, who was in her convertible, having quite the in-depth discussion with her two dogs, so that was nice.
She then gives the gals a quick call to discuss her upcoming birthday party plans and whether or not she should invite Gina. She thinks she will invite Gina, even though they’re “frenemies” Jackie endorses this notion, telling Janet, “We should all start fresh, SHINE SHINE SHINE to everybody!”
Lyds chimes in with “and WAH WAH WAH* it up.”
Ok then.
*I think that’s Posh Person Talk for WOW WOW WOW, but given the amount of not so posh talk about wet pussies, I can’t actually be sure.
Right, so next up we see Janet arriving at a restaurant to discuss her birthday with some young bloke called Carlos. Janet’s a bit pissed because Carlos’s venue won’t be ready in time (“Faaaaark”) but don’t worry because he’s got 2 other AMAZING venues in the pipeline.
Janet gives him one almighty eye roll and tells Carlos, “My friends are a little bit older. They don’t like change. They’ve already worked out where they’re parking, how they’re going to get there. Now they’re going to have to get straight onto Google, get the GPS. Work out where to go.”
Well if that’s not the trifecta of First World Problems, I don’t know what is!
Also, old people out there, tell me, do you really work out where you’re going to park a week out from attending an event? Cos if so, why? Just WHY?
Meanwhile, back at the lunch, the talk of Wet Pussies has been replaced with Jackie giving Lyds a quick psychic reading. “Have you been mumbling lately? Is someone annoying you?”
“No” replies Lydia (#awkward)
On a totally unrelated note, Scott mumbles ALL THE TIME. I wonder who could be annoying him? Anyone got any ideas?
Chyka then pipes up with quite the glowing reference regarding Jackie’s psychic abilities, telling the camera, “I do believe in Jackie’s psychic abilities.” Excellent. Pleased we got that one sorted!
Lydia then tells The Gals that her son is getting married in Florence. This news is followed by a very minor meltdown as Lyds discovers via email that her PA has written two bottles of shampoo on the fairly extensive ‘I’m Going To Florence For My Son’s Wedding But Can’t Be Fucked Packing My Own Suitcase’ list, when it should’ve in fact been conditioner. A quick phone call to the PA ensures the shampoo v conditioner crisis is averted, which is such a relief because I really was worried how the hell I was going to get any sleep tonight, worrying about that!
There was then some witty banter about Figaro’s sexual orientation, with Lydia telling us, “Mr Fig is just a beautiful dog. I love gay but he’s not.” I mean, really. If these Real Housewives of Melbourne aren’t solving ALL the world’s problems, I don’t know who is?!
We then watch Janet pop into Patrick’s salon for a quick chat about absolutely fucking nothing his superior hair (“Patrick it’s sooooo sexy!) and Janet’s birthday party plans, which are apparently now all off (“Patrick, I’m like nauseous!”)
There was also a fairly lengthy chat about Gina’s attendance at the party, which is odd because wasn’t it all off 2.5 seconds ago? Regardless, Patrick suggests Janet calls Gina to invite her to the party that isn’t happening but actually is. Janet calls Gina, it goes to voice mail, Janet leaves a message, Gina calls back and tells Janet she’s in.
I don’t know about you, but that scene was so tense I basically had to comfort eat my way through 4.5 Tim Tams with a Frosty Fruit chaser just to cope!
Next up, Gina has lunch with her sister, Bettina, where they chat about everything from Gina’s LA based boyfriend (they were on a break but now they’re “back together and very happy”) to Gina’s friendship with Lydia (“It’s strained.”)
Janet then decides she needs a cake. You know, for the party that’s not happening but actually is. She visits her cake making pal, Chris, who suggests a glitter cake with skis on top. Random, but I guess that how Real Housewives roll!
Then we’re at Lydia’s house, where her mum, Lena, tells her to “give it to Gina” at the party that’s not happening but actually is. Lydia replies with, “Mum. No. We’re all humans and if we can all remember that we’ve all got, you know, little souls that get hurt….so….look….you know….she actually is, if I may say, a good person.” Ooookkkkaaaaay then.
Right, so now we find ourselves watching Jackie and Chyka limo it up with champers and neon lights (fun!), while Gina and Lyds are in some sort of povo limo arrangement that had not a champagne glass or neon light in sight, so I can only assume they were both running late to the party that’s cancelled but is actually happening and speed dialled an Uber driver.
Gina chooses to break the tense silence by asking Lydia if she has split from her husband, while Lydia apologises for her behaviour in Season One, so that was a lovely example of ‘fuck you’ and ‘please be my friend’ ying and yang.
Finally we’re at the party that’s not happening but actually is, which is all sorts of exciting because a) the gals are doing shots (yay for getting pissed on tequila!) and b) we get to meet the two newbies (welcome ladies, so nice to have you here!)
Gamble (that’s her in the floral number on the end) lives in Toorak By The Sea (whatever that means) where she likes to paint, maintain her looks using Botox and meet men on E-Harmony. She doesn’t mind a bit of “stalkie stalkie until you talkie” (WTAF?) and has “a really bad temper” (excellent!) Gambles lashes are the most important thing in the world to her and her life motto is to calorie count, so clearly we have nothing in common are soul sisters.
Poor old Gamble was a bit nervous walking into Janet’s party, which is why she wore her best Dolce & Gabbana. I remember feeling a bit like that when I went to my first Problogger Conference last year, so I wore my best Target and let me tell you, it settled my nerves like nobodies business. Wait. I think that was the vodka.
Anyway, Gamble meets The Gals (“Chyka has an ample bosom. I like that”) and then Newbie #2 rocks up.
Her name’s Pettifleur (that’s her in the yellow on the other end) She lives in a penthouse, is a property developer and would like a white Bentley for her next birthday. I mean, really. Don’t we all?!
She discusses her heritage with Jackie and Gina. FYI: she’s Dutch, Portuguese and Celonese, which prompts Jackie to ask, “So what language do you speak?”
For the record, Pettifleur speaks English.
Janet’s cake is then wheeled out and the party is done.
The next day Gina and Gamble meet for a chat, mostly about how white Gina’s teeth are because as Gamble puts it, “Gina is the only practicing academic in the group and they’re the sort of people I like to spend time with.”
Gamble gives Gina a present (a crucifix and evil eye bracelet) which was both awkward and a little bit weird thoughtful.
Carlos and his pet pig, Crackling, then meet Janet in the Botanical Gardens for a D&M about the party. Which of course is Housewife Code for ‘a bitch about *insert name here*’ In this case, it was Gamble.
“I love her but there’s a lot of gossip. I’m not saying anything about what it is though” says Janet.
Carlos reveals that he too has heard the stories and that, my Real Housewife loving friends, is where the episode ends!
Did you watch The Real Housewives of Melbourne? Are you wondering what the gossip is? Or are you more interested in finding out how you can get permission to bring a pig into the botanical gardens because OMG how awesome would that actually be?!
Thank you to the good people at Arena TV for kindly sending me advanced copies of The Real Housewives of Melbourne x
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